I posted this in the divorce forum in a thread that a person would prefer remains a female only space so have asked for deletion from there and reposted below. I'm not sure it even needs or deserves an answer but I arrogantly would like to know what people think. A male perspective would be helpful. And me saying I am not safe means I know I am not safe for others to be near. I also think were I to initiate separation I may also be unsafe myself.
This is a helpful thread. I think there was one or a similar one 3 years ago when I tried and failed to separate from my wife. I still can't do it, the guilt is what stops me.
Married 20 years, no kids of our own, adult kids from previous marriages we ended in a sordid emotional affair. Moved in together straight away, damaged our children and tried to show the world it was 'true love'. Of course it wasn't, it was a toxic mess from day 1. Extreme jealousy from her, phone checked daily, accusations of other women, not allowed to speak to my ex wife unless she was present. Stropping off from me, driving away, saying it was over. These moments were awful. I'd try to leave the room, she would block the door, grab my arms. She bit me once. I yanked my arms out of her grip once and pushed her away, my hands on her neck. I know what that means about me. I am not safe.
After 8 years I conformed her worst fears and kissed someone when drunk. Someone I didn't want a relationship with. I confessed first thing next day. It was a passive aggressive way by me to trigger an ending but it didn't happen.
12 years later we live as housemates. We share a bed but no intimacy. Occasionally we talk of separating and three years ago we agreed to do so. My wife was ok with it until we looked at money. Then she was not, we agreed counselling. This did not go well, she ended it when counsellor said we could both make changes. She had expected counsellor to support her in it all being on me.
Now when separation is raised I am told that I will leave her in poverty and go on to a life of happiness. The reality is that I would be prepared to leave, rent, pay half the mortgage until house is sold, give her some f my salary to balance things out until divorce and am happy for my pension to be in the pot. Be as equitable as possible. We both work full time but I am the higher earner. £72k versus £40 both public sector.
That said, we would both be poor and two years ago she had a serious infection that was life threatening. She is recovered but it may have had long term effects. Subtle but possibly there.
So I sit with the belief that for me to be happier alone she must be unhappier alone. She is adamant she will be. Whilst she doesn't like me much in many ways, I do all the housework, life admin, organise most things, walk the dog. I'm not saying she does nothing but I do a lot more. I am a support person in some ways.
I don't have many friends now and if I make a new one she always has to meet them, be involved. So I don't really have anyone to talk to. I don't invoke my kids, they are both struggling due I'm sure to our affair and marriage. I just support now as best I can.
Part of me knows we deserve to be together to pay for past sins.
Sorry, just screaming into the void.