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Original poster

Fallen Out with Son

22 replies

EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 10:52

Hi all - I hope you are all ok.
A bit of background ..
i was married for 30 years and it was an abusive marriage (mostly mentally and a bit physical). I accept I was not perfect but even she admitted at the end she had significant issues. The divorce was reasonably amicable (as far as I thought and the communications went). I stayed in the marriage (rightly or wrongly) until my son left home for Uni. She has been working abroad since he went to Uni. I was there for him while he was at Uni and was always on the end of the phone to him, emotional support, picking him up if there were issues - the usual dad stuff and we would say the relationship was good. He is now 27 years old, also working abroad and doing very well. I am proud of him and love him but I now struggle to communicate with him.
I met someone and we married 6 years ago- I am now incredibly happy in my marriage(can’t believe married life could be like this!!). I wanted him to be my best man as we were that close and he eventually agreed but only if I ensured my Will was totally in his name.

i think my son struggles with my new wife- she loves him as well and bends over backwards to make him happy(she doesn’t have her own kids) he doesn’t really return it. I cannot believe how accommodating she is- she comes from a big family that are very close and loving.
Things came to a head recently when he was being negative to me about my wife and I blew up at him- first time ever in my life. i apologised immediately for my behaviour to his face then again in a message. I have heard nothing from him since.I feel like he is ungrateful, only interested in money and how people perceive his wealth - these were sadly his mother’s traits as well. He is planning on getting married in 2026 and as a result of the argument has said I’m not invited to the wedding .

I am thinking - am I flogging a dead horse with trying to maintain a relationship with someone who clearly has totally different values to me.- even though it’s my son? I might sound mad but having been in a toxic 30 year relationship with his mother I do not think I can continue in the same way with my son. I have more confidence and self esteem now , down to being married to someone who makes me feel loved and wanted (and vice versa).

I hope this ramble makes sense - any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Quinto · 05/01/2025 10:56

This sounds like a fairly dysfunctional relationship if you had to bribe him into being your best man by disinheriting your second wife? In fairness, I don’t think most young adult children would want to be best man when a parent marries someone else…

Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:03

Yes in hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have asked him- but we had a good relationship at that time and I was doing it more to make him feel like he was still part of my/ our lives

OP posts:
madroid · 05/01/2025 11:24

Hard though it is, I think you should step back and give yourselves space now. He needs to know that you are not his emotional punchbag and that you feel about your wife and marriage just the same as he hopefully does about his.

You have apologised so really it's up to him if he wants to accept that. It's very immature to use the wedding as a threat but again, his choice.

Let the dust settle for a few months and then maybe message him that you would love to be in touch again but don't want to impose that on him if he doesn't want it so your door is always open and you love him. After that the ball is truly in his court.

Nosferfartu · 05/01/2025 11:33

Were you violent to his mum in front of him?

Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:37

Thankyou so much - I am really appreciative of all responses. That is exactly how I am feeling at the moment and to be honest how I have felt for a few years . I think I have blinded myself to what has been going on .thankyou all

OP posts:
RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 05/01/2025 11:38

Has he had trauma based therapy for being made to endure an abusive house his entire childhood? I speak from experience when I say that really, really fucks a person up for life.

Cross posted. How soul destroying, the child asked you to save him from the abusive household and you made him keep on enduring it. He had no choice.

Read up on childhood trauma, how cortisol effects a developing brain.

Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:39

Hi Nosferatu- nope sadly it was the other way around. She was abusive to myself and towards our son. To the point that when he was 12/13 he said to me “why do you stay with mum?” But that is all water under the bridge now .

OP posts:
Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:41

Hi Rupert - I am not aware that he has had any therapy and he has never opened up to me about it - do I think it made an impact ? It would have been difficult for it not to - Another good point tbh but not sure what I can do about it

OP posts:
Quinto · 05/01/2025 11:45

EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:39

Hi Nosferatu- nope sadly it was the other way around. She was abusive to myself and towards our son. To the point that when he was 12/13 he said to me “why do you stay with mum?” But that is all water under the bridge now .

It’s not, though. Living with abuse can have lingering impacts that are lifelong. I’m in my 50s and currently in therapy to deal with ongoing issues caused by my own childhood.

Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:47

Hi Rupert - I do not think he was referring to abuse from his mum to him at that stage - he was talking about abuse from his mum towards me. I don’t want to go too deep into these things in a public forum but I take on board what you are saying and think that is communication channels open again it will be time to talk to him about it - I have broached the subject before.

OP posts:
Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 11:48

Hi Nosferatu - yes I think from all your comments I am realising that now - Thankyou all

OP posts:
Scentedjasmin · 05/01/2025 11:49

Firstly, it sounds as though you met someone quite quickly after leaving your wife. Your son left home at 18 and by 21 you were happily remarried. It sounds like perhaps he felt somewhat abandoned by both parents during a time of significant change for him. The will issue was most likely him trying to get you to prove that you love him more than your new wife. Do you have more money than your new wife? Does she also have children that stand to inherit what your son assumed would be his one day? Inheritance is a complicated business. If money had been mentioned a lot during your divorce, then he may have learned to associate it with heightened emotions.
Secondly, you would be highly unreasonable to give up on your son. By all means put boundaries in place. Explain to him how sad you feel, but without adding pressure. Say that you would very much love to be there at his wedding and by all means go without your new wife. I am of the camp that you never give up on a child. That's different to bending over backwards and enabling difficult behaviour though. I would possibly try to repair the relationship by just doing things together once in a while and steer clear of emotional arguments for now.

ThejoyofNC · 05/01/2025 11:55

I wanted him to be my best man as we were that close and he eventually agreed but only if I ensured my Will was totally in his name

Please tell me you didn't agree to that?

Original poster
EdC1968 · 05/01/2025 14:05

Hi - the Joy - nope didnt

OP posts:
Nantescalling · 05/01/2025 22:11

I think you have to choose, him or her. If you try to juggle them both,you'll fail!

Danfootie · 11/01/2025 17:31

Best piece of advice for youi-s sit down with him ans talk to him.Try to invest time in his hobbies and be very supp3ortive verging on over the top.As a dad (3 boys) all lads want is a supporting dad.

cansu · 11/01/2025 17:38

It is a bit strange that you expect him to have a close relationship with your wife. He was an adult when you married and it is also strange to say that she lives him. This is unlikely. She may well show him kindness and may like him but not love. You are also describing him in v disparaging terms saying he has traits like his mother. It really doesn't sound good.

BellissimoGecko · 11/01/2025 18:46

I wanted him to be my best man as we were that close and he eventually agreed but only if I ensured my Will was totally in his name.

What?! And did you agree? What does your wife think of this?

If you have to bribe anyone to do something for you, this should be a sign that either they don't want to do what you have asked OR they are grabby and selfish.

I'd leave your greedy son to think about things. I'd remake my will. And 'd focus on other people in my life.

Pat888 · 05/02/2025 02:10

I think sometimes in a dysfunctional marriage / his child hood - the non abusive parent is also held responsible by the child for not dealing with the bad parent. Also his DM is his DM - what does that say about him -he has her genes. I had an alcoholic parent that I hated but …. He was my DF.
You’ve sailed off into the sunset with this ‘wonderful’ person - he’s left with the scars. Cut him some slack.

thedigitalme · 03/06/2025 08:56

Hey Ed, having read all the feedback I can see people are coming at it from both your and your son's perspective. On the one hand your son is being mercenary in requesting that you make him the beneficiary in your will - I was in a similar position when my mum died and my step-dad remarried within 18 months. She was earning a lot and he was left a fortune, and I was worried that the wealth would all go to the new wife and her 2 x kids when he died, rather than being shared with my sisters and I. In fact, he created a trust that will be shared.

I would also point out your son is scarred, and is hurting from what's happened, whilst he is also trying to forge a new life abroad. I bet he is just head down, working hard, and hiding from you in doing so.

But I also think he is really young and unable to see how his treatment of you is unfair. Some people form grudges and struggle to shake them off, and life just goes on until eventually it's just easier to ignore it. I think that's where he is and I think you need to wait until he's older and wiser before he will be able to rationalise everything. So I think you should reach out now and again so he knows you care, but don't talk too much about the new wife, just stay in touch so he knows you are there for him.

ZilasAndersen · 25/11/2025 23:26

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Maddy70 · 25/11/2025 23:46

He was 21 when you married. Boys mature much later. He doesn't have to like her ),or you tbh). Back off a bit , let go of your feelings a little just be a lovely dad to him. Let him know how much he's loved ,

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