Struggling with Intimacy After Baby

[Fandyman]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice or shared experiences about how to navigate a lack of intimacy after having a baby. My partner and I have an 18-month-old, and while our relationship was never very intimate or touchy-feely to begin with, things have gotten even worse over the past couple of years.

In the last two years, there’s been almost no physical affection—no touch, no kisses—from either of us. We haven’t been intimate in about 15 months. While we both still think about sex from time to time, it feels like the constant arguments and stress during the first year of parenthood have created a rift. We hurt each other a lot during that time, and it seems to have affected our attraction to one another.

I want to rebuild that connection, but I don’t know where to start. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you move past the hurt and rediscover intimacy in your relationship?

Thanks in advance.

I’m sorry you’re both struggling OP, without knowing really what you’re dealing with it terms of “hurting each other” it’s hard to advise. We have a nearly 9 month old baby now so can relate to intimacy looking different to it did pre-baby, it’s not long kisses/cuddles, long deep conversations over dinner and hours of foreplay/sex anymore because we just simply don’t have the time, but we are still physically intimate with each other every day whether that is a hug, kiss, or sexually intimate. Would you both be open to therapy together to work on communication and getting that element of your relationship back?

Thank you for your response, and I appreciate your perspective. A lot of our issues stemmed from different expectations during the first year of parenthood. My wife felt I wasn’t doing enough, and at one point, she even considered divorce because she thought I didn’t understand how to support her.

As an example, she expected me to take care of the baby after work from around 6 p.m., which I was usually happy to do, but she also wanted me to handle the dishes afterward. On weekends, she wanted things split 50/50, which I understood, but with a demanding job and builders around the house at the time, I couldn’t manage it all. She was furious about this.

I proposed getting some outside help with childcare, but she refused, saying she wasn’t comfortable with it until the baby was at least three years old and could communicate what happened while we weren’t around. I respect her decision, and she’s a full-time mum, which I fully support. But it also means that some things—like housework—remain unresolved, which is a continuing source of tension.

At this point, I just want to find a way forward. Do you think therapy or something similar could help us rebuild our connection?

Are you doing your fair share now? It’s hard to get over the resentment when someone doesn’t pull their weight in looking after their own child, and that reduces the trust and after that the intimacy.
I didn’t take any maternity leave from my demanding with the second child because I am the main breadwinner so I can compare both situations and the stay-at-home parent is the one working harder (unless there’s extensive family help or a nanny)

If her full time job is childcare (meaning you have no childcare costs), the rest of the household tasks should be split 50/50. Same with time - for example if you work 9-5pm, she is on childcare duty 9-5pm. When you get home, you split the evening tasks 50/50 (child’s bath / bed routine, making dinner and clearing up).

I’m sure you also work very hard but being in charge of a small person all day is very challenging. She probably gets very little time to drink a coffee, or chat to another adult, or go to the toilet by herself. If you can give her a little bit of time back in the evening, it would probably really help. My partner works 3 long days a week, on those days I get maybe an hour at 9pm to myself by the time I have got baby down and the house back in order. On the days he is home I very much need that hour to myself sometimes where he does baby’s routine and I can have a bath or switch off a bit.

It’a hard having small kids & it can really impact your relationship. Just wanted to let you know how I think things can be split fairly so you both feel you get a bit of a break and perhaps if less exhausted, with a bit of time to switch off, you can work at regaining a bit of that intimacy.

I think therapy could help you both communicate better and find a way forward, yes. If nothing else having a neutral third party there for those conversations helps prevent them from ending up in another argument which doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s hard to communicate what you want sometimes and especially with a young child you don’t always actually even know yourself what it is you actually want, it can be hard to keep a clear head and stay constructive rather than it all blowing up. I can definitely admit I’ve had days like that, where my husband gets home and I want 5 minutes peace but I also want the dishes done, I want to put washing away, I also just want a cuddle, I want someone to hold ME and I acknowledge not all of those things are possible at once but being alone with a baby all day in a messy house does overstimulate you and sometimes by the time my husband gets home it all comes out all wrong, I can’t expect him to know how to support me when actually on those days I couldn’t even clearly articulate what it is I need myself. I would say we’re pretty good at communicating overall and we both know we are trying our absolute best, therapy might help you both better get to that point and once you’re able to both understand and communicate better you can try to find a way forward.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate the perspectives and suggestions.

To answer the first question—yes, I do my fair share now, or at least I believe I do. I work from home most days, and while I try to focus during office hours, I often end up helping out with the baby during the day as well, which can be exhausting and makes it hard to switch back to my work mindset. I agree that clearer boundaries during office hours and a more defined split after work and on weekends could help.

I think part of the issue is that early on, I adopted the mindset that we just needed to "wait out the storm" of the first 2–3 years with the intimacy etc while doing my fair share with the baby care and that things would eventually go back to how they were before. But as you both pointed out, this approach probably isn’t sustainable, especially with how exhausted we both are.

The therapy suggestion is something we’ve discussed, and I think we’ll give it a try. I know we both need to feel less overwhelmed and more supported to even start working on regaining intimacy. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts—it really helps to hear different approaches and experiences.