Lack of intimacy,AIBU??

[ThatBrightLilacSquid]

Myself and the other half have been married and divorced years ago . Separation was due to me having an affair . Now the divorce got a bit nasty when she tried to restrict access to our 3 kids citing all kinds of abuse toward the kids and herself .

I managed to fight this in court and succeeded on access and the alleged abuse allegations .

fast forward to now we have tried to reconcile our relationship last year , I thought it was going well until she woke up one day and asked me to move out . I moved out without a fight somewhere close to our kids .

6 months go by , she says I miss you and want to try again . I clearly stated that if we were going to try we had to make sure the past wasn’t an everyday problem and she agreed .
however this has led to a non existent sex life , I even asked if she could consider improving our intimacy without sex on the table and this always seems to strike a cord .

her reasons lately is because when I’m joking around with her and the kids she feels she’s the butt of the joke and it turns her off . I accommodated this and apologised because I genuinely hadn’t realised .

How can I make this better for the both of us ?
or am I just clutching at straws to keep my family together ?
Thanks in advance

Leave, find someone better.

Why do you want to be with someone who made up lies about you in order to deny you access to your children?

Regarding the recent issue, it sounds like you're belittling her. No one wants to sleep with someone who is regularly humiliating them.

The recent issue , i understood her point of view and apologised . Although the lack of goes beyond the recent reason .
myself and the three kids have the same sort of banter and I assumed incorrectly.
tbh i think the pull of keeping the family together was strong hence getting back together . Just don’t know now . But thank you ☺️

This seems like a revolving door situation, which must be so difficult on the kids. I wouldn’t have entertained any type of reconciliation after the day she woke up and asked you to leave. You lied about your affair, she lied about the abuse during the divorce - all the trust is gone isn’t it? And trust is the bedrock of any marriage.

I think you should both cut your losses and focus on being good parents who are not romantically attached. Neither of you can blow hot and cold like this when kids are involved and sometimes people are just not able to get past the past.

If you're talking about longer term lack of intimacy, an affair tends to do that. It's very difficult to get over. In order to regain her trust, stop belittling her and start treating her with respect.

You will be right in that an affair can do that . The devil’s we are fighting are both the affair and the accusations and trying to restrict access to the kids.
i agree about belittling her albeit with jokes like mummy will kill that plant etc . It’s never been nasty jokes , jokes about appearance but the point stands I guess

I agree the kids are stuck in between it , it’s crossed my mind .

I think relationship counseling is needed here to work out if you should stay together and if you do, how you can both be happy and regain trust

If you are going to decide to reconcile, you need to discuss all this upfront and then leave it behind you. You are divorced. This has to be a completely fresh start, baggage left in the past. Which is easier said than done.
Start from rebuilding a friendship, not cohabiting, get to know each other from scratch. Once you are comfortable as friends, you can explore what you each want from a relationship and whether each of you can do it, discuss and explain what your expectations are of each other. Both of you have to be able to listen to the other. All of this needs to happen well before any actual relationship starts because you both have expectations based on past experience with each other.
It can take years to get through. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons

Ah, another post from a man who says he isn't getting enough sex.

i think you’ve misunderstood, the lack of intimacy of any kind . It’s the intimacy that I personally crave , weirdly as men we value this as much as women do . I’m no slouch as a parent /partner , chores, kids etc I pull my weight as it’s my duty . Wanting to be desired as much as the next person is what I’m trying to figure out ways to make it better for both of us ☺️

Yourself should obviously leave this shitshow and put the children first for once. How confusing this must be for themselves.

Well, I haven't misunderstood the inalienable fact that if you hadn't had an affair in the first place, none of this would have happened.

That is true , thank you for your contribution ☺️

Insightful, thank you

Another poster who is so fixated on men and sex that they didn't read any of the posts properly

An affair would put me off too, it's understandable and has probably made her feel really insecure..but If she really wants to make a go of things try counselling. Have you tried being affectionate without bringing up sex?

I think a lot of the times what’s hard is going without the affection / intimacy without sex being on the cards . I have communicated that , I understand we have two different libidos and perhaps it would pose such an issue for me if the affection wasn’t missing , counselling seems the only viable option ☺️

I think it's his wife who needs to find someone better.

Thanks for your contribution , lots of love ☺️

Yep.

Other posters have given good advice on counselling/taking it slow etc for the sake of the kids and I agree.

On intimacy, I wonder if you have really considered how low your wife must feel. She has been through the anger phase (and behaved appallingly in trying to deny you your kids) and sadness (which I imagine is why she wanted you back), but her self esteem is probably rock bottom - she knows you've come back for the kids/family life and that she "wasn't enough" for you first time around. You've been doing her down in front of the kids. What do you do to build her up? Why would she want to make the move in her direction. It's trust (and I'd have huge issues if I were her), but it is also about being the bigger person and being generous and loving towards her because you want to, as we would with anyone we want to be with.

you have tried the split happened due to your infidelity but she obviously did not forget even if she forgave if she did. i would think that you tried enough and all you are doing is confusing yourselves including any children; no one knows if you are together or not! cut the ties and get on with your lives but remain civil for kids etc