Struggling Dad

[BrooklynCoffee]

Hi all, first time posting and not really one for opening up before.

currently struggling with being a dad. Love my children so much, but find that I’m just completely worn out that I’m not enjoying the moments with them.

i have a 9 month old who is a nightmare when it comes to bedtimes. Bedtimes can take up to 6 hours with her refusing to sleep unless she’s in someone’s arms and we’re walking back and forth. Tried cry it out method and a few others and this is the only thing that works. On top of this, she will wake between 2 and 4 for a feed and then will take another 2 hours to settle again.

i have a 3 year old who goes to sleep well but will wake up between 5&6 and immediately call ‘dad’ until I go to him.

me and my partner take it in turns to have lie ins on the weekend, and rotate with getting the youngest to sleep in that 6 hour period.

I find however, on a weekday we’re getting ready for work from 6am, home for 5 ish, sort tea out for ourselves and start the bedtime routine and before I know it it’s time to sleep and start again. On the weekends it’s difficult to rest as the 3 year old is full of energy and needs entertaining.

we have very little support so doing it as a family of 4.

Find I’m low all the time, because despite the normal lack of sleep, I have no time to switch off and just do something for myself.

Getting to the point of breaking but want to hold it together for the family.

I can totally relate. It's exhausting. Sounds like if you can cut down the bedtime routine with the little one you'll at least get an hour or two in the evenings to recharge. It's not much, but it does make a difference. How is she for naps? Will she sleep better if you bedshare or cosleep with her?

I just have to keep telling myself it’s a phase and she’ll soon get out of it and it’ll settle.

Monday - Thursday naps are a mix bag. Depends on nursery and how she settles there. Friday to Sunday naps are pretty good.

the crazy thing is she’ll sleep when we’re walking with her in our arms and she can be snoring away, the second you sit down or go to put her down she’ll wake and be the most alert person.

we’ve had success with bed sharing but it’s the whole battle of just getting her down.

Sounds exhausting op.

Your 3 years old sounds fairly typical, some of them just do wake up early.

Your 9 month old’s sleeping is tricky, taking 6 hours to get to sleep isn’t really a bedtime at all. Are there any medical issues which could be causing her discomfort and stopping her sleeping? I think I’d visit the gp to get her checked out.

Hang in there, having a poor sleeper is absolutely exhausting and it’s unsurprising you feel low.

This too shall pass, etc etc.

Have you tried a sling? Putting the little one in a sling and then getting on with stacking the dishwasher, or walking on a treadmill or going for a walk?

It won't solve the fact that she wakes when you stop, but you can at least get some exercise and clear the chores.

Some kids are a nightmare to get to sleep, my DD was. DH used to rock her for hours. What times is she waking/napping/sleeping? 6 hours suggests that she’s just not ready to sleep. Is she falling asleep naturally for naps or is she being put down?

Mine dropped naps earlier than the sleep guides said so before she was one she had one solid nap in the day.

Mine also only started sleeping through at 4 so 3 years olds waking up is unfortunately very normal (shouldn’t be for too much longer).

These are really tough ages, it will get better but the sleep deprivation can feel like depression. Especially when you feel like you are just in a daily grind.

Having kids that age is exhausting! Like a treadmill. Can you afford a sleep consultant for the younger one? That's your biggest issue.

6 hours to go to sleep is crazy how do you sustain that ? I'm In the middle of doing a very gentle sleep course with mine it's with sleep well with Hannah and it's going so well (it's not cry it out ) have a look at her website and see what you think you could apply it to both kiddos . You can't keep going like that OP x

What time do you start bedtime? If she's napping well at the weekend does she sleep any differently in the evenings? I think probably you'll need to add another sleep association to the walking - e.g. singing twinkle twinkle while you walk. Or recording it on your phone and playing it on loop...before scaling back the walking to swaying and then sat down rocking and then lying down cuddling and then just twinkle twinkle

Cut out a nap. Co sleep.
It gets better over time