Family finances after marriage

[discodancer25]

First time posting! After some advice folks?

My wife and I have been in a disagreement about finances for some time now. I moved in with her 4 years ago. She has 2 children from a previous marriage who live with us most of the time, I have one child from a previous marriage who stays here every other weekend and one night in the week.

When I moved in my wife lost all of her child benefits, tax credits etc, so I agreed to match those and pay half the bills on top, over the years I've slowly paid more and more into our family home and to support her children's upbringing in the hope that one day my wife would allow for my name to go on to her mortgage/house. It's always felt a bit like a lodger/landlord type arrangement as I don't get much say on how the money I send is spent. Since we married 6 months ago, I've started to enquire more regularly when we might further integrate family finances, including suggesting a shared account where we both contribute a portion of our wages and both retain exactly the same real monetary amounts in our personal accounts (I am the higher earner as she is part time). That felt like a true marriage arrangement (martial income, not personal income) but my wife appears apprehensive.

Ultimately I was hoping we were on a road to eventually calling it "our house/home" not just her house, but I haven't pushed for any formalities around that until now despite contributing significantly to household finances.

In recent weeks my wife has almost weaponised my desires to integrate finances further and has started to use it as leverage in arguments and I really don't know how to move forward. At the moment it feels l'm contributing to a home/family/house that could be taken away from me at any point and I really don't know how to move us out of this situation.

Ultimately I just want a situation where I feel like I'm providing for my wife, child and step children, but where my wife is prepared to financially commit to me. At the moment it feels like I'm kept at arms length with regards household finances.

Is it right that I'm made to feel guilty or dismissed about wanting what I pay to be ultimately lead to joint names on the house (obviously apportioned appropriately)

I should add that her parents helped her significantly through her divorce and have a large stake in the house which they want to ensure is protected for their blood grandchildren, I have always been respectful of that and have said I will sign something to ensure that their portion of the house would be protected in the case of death/divorce.

If you divorced the house bar any protected proceeds would be considered a joint asset. So marriage has given you a stake in the home.

However I question the wisdom of marriage without an agreement on how finances should work. Your situation is complicated due to blending families. You have not mentioned the contribution of your step children's father. You must also be paying child maintenance. So any household budget must include all income, all outgoings and a fair proportion of bills according to income.

If you don't have a joint account you should aim at least to be open about your finances and have a shared budget and plan together for your future.

Your children may need separate plans as you will have different grandparents etc. for them to potentially inherit from.

This cannot be a sore point for the rest of your marriage as it risks ending the relationship. Money arguments are damaging

Excellent response above..

i would agree that money issues can destroy relationships if they aren’t resolved

money is very emotional to a lot of people. It sounds like you are more able to talk about money in a matter of fact way that your wife. That could just be because you are the high earner so she may feel in a less powerful position so defensive, or it could just be how she was brought up.

if in her previous divorce her parents needed to help her buy the house it’s understandable that she has an emotional attachment to the house, and that she is scared of divorce again and losing her house and security.

You do need to talk about this and get beyond the emotional long enough to work it out. She needs to be able to trust that you are wanting a solution that is best for you and her

involving a professional could really help here. A neutral mediator with experience

Your marriage gives you a stake in the house and you are contributing more than your fair share towards bills. It doesn’t make sense that your wife doesn’t want to share finances when she would be the one gaining from the situation as the lower earner.

Have you asked her what’s behind her thinking?

She (and you) incorrectly think that the house is not now already classed as a joint asset, so your contribution on splitting up would be considered. You said you pay half of the bills, and the amount she lost in benefits due to you moving in- have you ever paid any 'rent' towards the mortgage? Because benefits and half bills doesn't sound like too bad a deal for you.