Troublesome teen

[PaulieS091]

Good day everyone,

Just wanting to seek some advice with other dads here. I have two boys, the one has just turned 19 and is, and always has been, an absolutely amazing lad. He is off to university in Sept and will soon be earning more money in a year than I could make in 5. Very proud of him.

My second lad however is 15, 16 early next year. He is very troubled and incredibly confused and rebellious and at the moment, I am at my wits end and really not sure how to deal with it.

I divorced their mother 6 years ago due to domestic abuse - she was very narcisstic and abusive. My youngest took to this very hard, especially as she used him as ammunition, and seemed to enjoy playing mind games with him during the process to make me the bad guy out of everything.

We have a court order in place where its a 50/50 split of who stays at what house at night and we still live in the same village so there is a bit of flexibility there for him to come between the houses during the day after school etc

There have been numerous occassions where I have had to protect him against his mum, the court order has a clause in it where I could keep the kids with me, even if it breached the agreement of them due to being at hers, if there was a risk to their health. I have implemented this exemption a few times when she has just simply neglected them.

My youngest however, is confused still. At her house, there are absolutely no rules at all. He can stay up as late as he likes playing computer games, watching youtube, etc. He doesnt sleep in his own bed, rather falls asleep on the couch watching TV out of exhaustion rather than a scheduled bedtime. His school work is suffering and he struggles with his mental health.

He then comes to me - where there are rules (and consequences for not adhering to them). He has said he likes the rules and order at mine, yet its clearly an easier life for him at his mums in the sense that he can do what he likes. He pushes against me really hard and he has said that he wants no rules at mine, which I have said isnt going to happen. Im his father number one, not his friend.

He absolutely stinks. His BO is horrendous. Its better when he has been with me for a few days, but he has no sense of body image and despite me trying for months, he refuses to wear deodorant, shuts down whenever I challenge him over it, and makes the house a really unpleasant place to be. My partner refuses to be in the house when he is here as the smell makes her physically sick. His mum however, says that there is nothing wrong and has told him that there is no need to use deodorant as it has chemicals in it which are bad for him etc.

I feel helpless and I feel like I am failing him as a father, but I honestly do not know how to tackle these two things. I have sought advice to be told that as he is almost 16, he would have a voice in court anyway and that would carry a lot of weight behind it.

Has anyone else experienced these things? Complete conflict between living standards, rules, hygiene etc?

Regards the hygiene issue, or rather lack of. I do understand the difficulty as his mother is telling him one thing and you the opposite. I Believe that there are natural deodorant’s available but I’m not sure of the name or availability. However I wonder if you could obtain information about this and even get some and also a natural, preservative, chemical free shower gel. Then say to your son that his mother is right: the use of chemicals on the body should be avoided if possible and present him with the new products. Do y know if that will help but worth a try. Also does he do any sport or exercise? If he spends a lot of time online gaming etc he will be lacking in exercise, fresh air etc. Maybe look into healthy activities you and he could do together. Say, thinking of joining a gym - you be interested in going ? Or a bike ride if you own bikes. Or would he go out for a meal with you. OR help cook a meal. Hello Fresh have some really great deals eg 50% off. You could choose the meals together and hopefully get him involved in the cooking.
Need to try to connect with him somehow. The teen years are so difficult and even more so when parents are in opposing camps.
Do hope you can do something to make a difference

@Froniga why did you quote the entire OP?

@Froniga - Thank you for your response. I am a very active person, and would often go cycling with my eldest. My youngest hates any form of exercise despite me trying to get him to even go for walks with me. He has a computer at mine however its locked down through my network (I do IT work). I have told him many times that when he can prove that he can self manage his time and prioritise his own health first, then we can look at removing the restrictions, but at the moment, he is only allowed to do his homework on it and an hour of online gaming a day if his homework is finished.

He still blames me for the divorce as, despite me telling him about the abuse, and he himself being a victim of it from her, he feels that I should have "fixed it" anyway. Unfortunately, some things cant be fixed, and some things, even if they can, shouldnt be as you must have self respect I have told him, he sees the school counsellor which he asked me to help him with and the school only communicates with me as they too, dont communicate with her if they can with me instead as she is a bit crazy 😂

I have bought him more natural deodorant, but he still refuses to wear it. He wears the same school clothes for the whole time period when he is at his mums, and gets upset when he is at mine because I make him wear fresh each day.

Pretty much everything I do is met with resistance, and I am at my wits end. I have tried to engage with him, tried to reason with him, tried to meet him halfway. He is free to talk openly with me, I encourage that, but it appears that he is just wanting the easy way of everything.

Im feeling like a bit of a failure as a dad if I am honest. Maybe thats a bit harsh, but its how I am feeling at the moment