Alcohol dependency

OptimisticFather · 2024-06-30T10:11:48+00:00

Hey Dads! Looking for some advice! I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years, we moved in together six months ago, I have a ten year old boy and she has a ten year old girl from previous relationships. My partner will drink a bottle of wine a night. Last weekend it was a bottle of gin over the two days, plus wine. Every night she will drink. For me it feels like my partner has a dependency on alcohol. We have tried to discuss, and the answer is that ‘she has to change who she is’ to make this relationship work. Apparently it’s who she is, she has always drank this amount. my mum died of alcohol addiction and my sister has had her challenges. I’m worried we are heading that way. is this amount of drinking acceptable or am I reacting too much? Should I just accept this? So the relationship can continue? thanks!

SixFifteens · 30/06/2024 12:13

Your partner is an alcoholic.
Are you happy for your child to be exposed to that level of drinking and think it is normal? I’d move out. Living with an alcoholic adult has a huge effect on children. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who drank that much, but I have alcoholics in my family and know the issues it causes for relatives/children.

GCdad · 30/06/2024 16:58

I think you have to judge how this is affecting both you and your child. It sounds like she has a serious drinking problem, and that it is enough for you to doubt the relationship.

I would encourage her to seek help, and maybe you should consider living separately. You'll soon discover if she loves you or the bottle.

RevelryMum · 15/10/2024 14:21

She's an alcoholic op and knows it she doesn't want to face it and unfortunately you can't make her ..: personally I come from a family of alcoholics. my DP knows I would leave with our DD if there was a hint of him being dependent on alcohol I was raised around it and I’m still putting up with it to this day and no way will I put my DD through that ever ! she will come first above all else

username3678 · 15/10/2024 14:22

You can't bring your child up around an alcoholic, you have to move out.

Allofthelightsss · 15/10/2024 14:23

She’s an alcoholic. You can’t help her until she’s ready to get help.

You need to protect the children involved in this.

Minor1000 · 23/11/2024 14:58

I feel for you. I'm a pub landlord and until a couple of months ago I was the same as your partner - 6 pints a night plus a bottle of red or a bottle of rum over 3 nights. I knew I was out of hand and that I had to stop but couldn't. It's not easy doing so when you own and run a pub. You're surrounded by the stuff, it's "free" and customers are always buying you a pint. The only person who can stop herself is your partner. I wouldn't badger her or threaten or nag her because that'll have the opposite effect. Mention it quietly and leave it like that to sink in. Try to have at the start the odd alcohol free nights. It's a slow burn. I had two medial scares in August and September that finally made me address my problem. I've cut down from 150 units a week to 14-20 and don't drink 5 or 6 nights a week. Don't force her to go tee total. You can't go cold turkey on this one. Reduce slowly and gradully and reward her with praise or a hug or "I'm proud of you" etc when she has a night or two off. I still find it difficult but have lost over a stone in 2 months and I look on the top shelf in my pub with disdain now. Having said that, I'm not working tonight and haven't had a drink since last weekend. Good luck with it all.

DogsandFlowers · 23/11/2024 15:33

Minor1000 · 23/11/2024 14:58

I feel for you. I'm a pub landlord and until a couple of months ago I was the same as your partner - 6 pints a night plus a bottle of red or a bottle of rum over 3 nights. I knew I was out of hand and that I had to stop but couldn't. It's not easy doing so when you own and run a pub. You're surrounded by the stuff, it's "free" and customers are always buying you a pint. The only person who can stop herself is your partner. I wouldn't badger her or threaten or nag her because that'll have the opposite effect. Mention it quietly and leave it like that to sink in. Try to have at the start the odd alcohol free nights. It's a slow burn. I had two medial scares in August and September that finally made me address my problem. I've cut down from 150 units a week to 14-20 and don't drink 5 or 6 nights a week. Don't force her to go tee total. You can't go cold turkey on this one. Reduce slowly and gradully and reward her with praise or a hug or "I'm proud of you" etc when she has a night or two off. I still find it difficult but have lost over a stone in 2 months and I look on the top shelf in my pub with disdain now. Having said that, I'm not working tonight and haven't had a drink since last weekend. Good luck with it all.

Well done 👏

CountryTunes · 13/04/2025 21:09

Minor1000 · 23/11/2024 14:58

I feel for you. I'm a pub landlord and until a couple of months ago I was the same as your partner - 6 pints a night plus a bottle of red or a bottle of rum over 3 nights. I knew I was out of hand and that I had to stop but couldn't. It's not easy doing so when you own and run a pub. You're surrounded by the stuff, it's "free" and customers are always buying you a pint. The only person who can stop herself is your partner. I wouldn't badger her or threaten or nag her because that'll have the opposite effect. Mention it quietly and leave it like that to sink in. Try to have at the start the odd alcohol free nights. It's a slow burn. I had two medial scares in August and September that finally made me address my problem. I've cut down from 150 units a week to 14-20 and don't drink 5 or 6 nights a week. Don't force her to go tee total. You can't go cold turkey on this one. Reduce slowly and gradully and reward her with praise or a hug or "I'm proud of you" etc when she has a night or two off. I still find it difficult but have lost over a stone in 2 months and I look on the top shelf in my pub with disdain now. Having said that, I'm not working tonight and haven't had a drink since last weekend. Good luck with it all.

Too much work for a relationship. Better to get a new partner....

LoftyLemonCat · 26/04/2025 03:25

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GilesMiles · 05/05/2025 22:09

It sounds like she drinks a lot (and maybe she does) but it is the behaviour rather than the quantity per se. That being said, drinking every day is certainly not healthy. This is something she will need to change herself. No amount of nagging on your part will change anything.

Cold turkey is one approach, AA is another. Failing that Allen Carr (not the comedian!) does an excellent book on stopping drinking. There are a very few who can cut down to a healthy level of drinking while still remaining somewhat dependent. This is extremely rare though (in fact, I only know of 2 cases in 50+ years).

She might see the light herself and stop, or she might drink herself to death or cause herself severe mental health problems. It is hard to know. And of course you need to make the tough call as to whether you see this working and support her, or walk away before she destroys her life.