I think my dh is depressed - how can I help him?

[ConcernedWife]

he is feeling really under pressure at work (he is the boss, so can't go Above and ask for support) and it is leaking into his home life

he is bringing his computer home and fiddling on it, not 'working' as such, just following up little puzzles that his work has brought up - but to me it seems like he is retreating into his little world. He does very little for himself - doesn't go out with mates (never has, even when single). Even when he had a 'hobby' he did Kung Fu, and started going in for exams, and then it became an extra stress

he is not going to go to the doctors, or for counselling, or whatever. he reckons he needs 'a break' and is looking forward to a week off - but I have never seen this make any difference before - this has been coming for a while but he can't see that it has been a long time coming. Even after a few days off he is still the same.

I just wonder what I can do.

ask him to fill in one of those 'are you depressed' questionaires. tot it up and discuss the results.

good luck

Don't know what your financial situ is but what about paying for him to have a 'day out', one of those experience days?

I sent my dp on a 'drive a porsche round a track' day and he came back buzzing. I firmly believe that exercise and the great outdoors can help a lot when you're feeling down - can you get out more as a couple/ family at the weekends?

Good idea - If you post your email addy I can send you a copy of Beck's Depression Inventory which is very trustworthy and a good measure of depression.

oh thanks

it is themeg1 @ live . com

To be honest, the only thing that drags me out of that kind of mental state is forcing myself to do things for other people, practical, mundane house-hold things. I don't know if that would help him in the long run but you could ask him to shut the computer for a day and help you with various tasks (that you think out yourself ahead of time). It may get him away from himself for a bit - and will also give you some sense of progress. Just a thought.

I have just been through this with my dh, its very distressing as you as their partner can feel a little helpless as it seems only they can sort the problem.

We have come through it for the most part, by doing lots and lots of talking and arguing so that he could get it all off his chest, quite often it is an unpleasant but necessary experience.

A very important element is that he needs to start taking care of himself and eating properly with perhaps vitamin supliments.

I do hope you manage to sort it out.

I'm going through that same thing. I am certain that DP is depressed ( I have suffered in the past), but he is doing bugger all about it. We have separated as he was becoming very agressive and too depressed to live with. I am hoping he does something like join a gym / go to his GP as I think it will help.

Men will mope about. Give him something to do, seriously. Start with 1 or 2 simple tasks in house or garden, or send him to shop with a list of a handful of items.

Sounds trivial, but gives him something else to focus on.

I hate gyms, but I joined one, and excercise releases something that makes you happy. I dont do a lot, but I feel better coming out the gym than I did going in. Again, gives us something else to focus on.

As for laptop at home - set him a deadline like 8pm to put it away. Say you want to discuss something, or plan something, or shout him thru to try a new biscuit at 8pm. Just any excuse to break the cycle and get him to stop thinking about work.

Sounds like my DH too. The problem with the suggestions to set him some housework tasks is that he's a stay-at-home-dad so he does this everyday anyway!

He's having difficulty coping with the boredom and keeping up with DS who's 2 and a handful, especially when he's tired but won't nap.

I'm also getting quite depressed at the moment too so his depression is dificult to cope with and we're having loads of arguments.

Give him something to do e.g small DIY project always makes me feel better when I get into it. He might moan a bit initially but if hes a "loves a project" guy it might work. Make it clear it doesnt matter if it takes him a while etc so you dont add more stress.

Another thing is exercise - I find it makes a big difference to stress but you have to exercise at a reasonable intensity for 30-40 minutes a 10 minute walk is no good IMHO.

BUT

If hes not used to exercise he should see a doctor first, start gently and work up to 30-40 mins running, swimming or cycling.

Gyms aren't for all blokes some love them and some hate them, but I find it helps me unwind, but if cash is an issue running, swimming etc is just as good for stress relief.

Try your best to talk to him about it but DONT trivialise work issues etc saying things like "its just one client" or "itll be fine" don't really help me anyway. The issues are real to him even if they seem silly to you - if they do keep it quiet.

He should see his GP if it gets serious. I did when I had some issues and ended up with several appointments with a really good mental health nurse who helped a lot using therapy-type techniques - no pills and no time of work with stress. All part of what you are entitled to as taxpayers so take advantage!

Good luck

Get to the bottom of this now. Ask him outright how he feels. I have suffered from depression and stress for a while and there is a massive difference between the two. If he is stressed then he needs to take action to avoid the stress. If he is depressed then he need to get help to make himself better. Depression is an illness (a depression of the chemicals in your brain that make you happy). Anti depressants might be the answer, they certainly worked for me. I was ont hem for 5 years and am now much better and off them.

I would go back on them again tomorrow if I felt that I needed to. there is no point being miserable. Excercise is very good too. Swimming twice a week or a few runs etc might help get some of the nervous energy out of him and replace the happy hormone levels in his brain. Good luck.

Exercise, exercise, exercise. My Mrs gets concerned when I am not doing at least 2-3 good sessions a week (running a lot at the moment). She can plot my moods to my exercise levels.
Diet is also a big factor for me. Nothing boring, just a bit more balance and moderation.
Oh, and lots of love and affection from the MRs. Hope it gets better.

Agree with LostVagueness - my suggestions are more for stress - depression needs to be tackled head on before it spins out of control.

essexman, LV and givemesomespace are absolutely in the zone.

I've been through a bout of intense stress when the spectre of redundancies hung over the organisation I worked in. We still have a heavy mortgage for a poky flat - the prospect of not even being able to afford that with two DKs caused me great anxiety. The big problem is not having an external perspective which makes things seem worse than they really are.

I found the only thing which really lifted my mood for any long period was a long run (30+ mins) and going to bed no later than 11pm (and if necessary, getting up early to do any work which needed to be done). IMHO housework is sh!t for stress - you just end up going mental seeing all the things which need to be done which you never noticed before and it makes you realise there is another heap of things you have no time to do and can't afford to get someone in to do for you...

Exercise, sleep and healthy eating are all key, but so is turning off the electronic devices and talking to each other in the evening, or playing something immersive like scrabble with each other to give the brain a really good change (a change = a rest). Walking the kids to school or nursery is pretty good "down time" too.