Advice about an ex and her possible motives

[bmuk]

I split up from my ex 10 month ago after I found out she had been cheating on me for roughly 2 and a half years. We were together for 8 and lived together for 3. I moved 160 miles to be with herObviously when I found out I was heartbroken snd she was horrible, cold and heartless. Didnt show any emotion at all. I moved back home so now live 160 mile away from her

We haven't had much contact. When we do it's her that msgs me. Maybe once a month or so to see how I'm doing. I usually reply with ok and that's roughly it

Recently I had the usual msg so I replied. This time she started saying how sorry she was and how she never wanted to hurt me etc. More emotion and apologies in that one msg that when I last saw her

2 weeks later I had a msg off her in the middle of the night saying she was drunk. As I had a few myself I replied more than I normally would. She than rang me and told me everything. How she's an idiot, she never wanted to hurt me, I always made an effort, always there for her, she can't tell anyone why she did what she did because she doesn't know as I was lovely to her, that she didn't deserve me, she took me for granted, she saw a life with me. She even wanted to see me...... we've not seen each other since march

She also admitted that she still been seeing the person (who shes known since she was 11 apparently) she cheated on me with but he's horrible to her, lies to her, she can't get away as hell ring and turn up at the house. She doesn't see a life with him, he's bad for her etc but she can't end it as he won't let her...... she read me some of the stuff he says to her and to me it's totally narcissistic and manipulative.
I knew her very well snd alot of the stuff she said she would never ever put up with. She also made it obvious hes on drugs which she also hates. I suspect if that's the case she messed up once and he's blackmailed her to carry it on and she did to make life easier for her...... although I don't want to make excuses up as she shouldn't have done what she did anyway

She said alot and cried alot. I do think she fully regrets what has happened.
After this we msged all day every day for a week or so but I started to realise she was back tracking on alot of what she told me on the phone. I told her this and she said she wasn't. I started to feel I was being used

Now I don't want to get back with her, I'll never move down there again and she says she doesn't think it would work but it doesn't mean I don't care about her

Last I heard from her was 10 days ago. And I'm annoyed with myself as I was over her znd had stopped thinking a out her but the past few days I can't get her out of my head and it's doing my head inI suppose the advice I'm after is this....... is there a reason she would do this? Some sort of secret motive? She didn't seem to care when we were together and split up but I don't get why she would randomly msg out the blue to say she's drunk then ring me for hours to tell me loads..... only for her to back track on stuff she said. I just don't get it.

I do think she massively regret it but I can't see why she would tell me all this stuff now. I have a feeling this isn't going to be the end of it though. I'd like to see what happens over the Xmas period

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for any advice

[vincettenoir]

I wouldn’t spend too much time wondering about her motives for getting back in contact. It’s clear from what you said that she’s a hot mess and feeling vulnerable. At times she probably regrets leaving you but she doesn’t appear to feel this way consistently.

But the bottom line is she lives 130 miles away, is in another relationship and is emotionally all over the place.

If you think you can offer her some emotional support without making yourself vulnerable, then go ahead.

But you don’t owe that to her; you need to prioritise your own well-being; and ultimately turning to you for emotional support may likely make her circumstances more complex.

[yhk]

Mate you have to keep in mind what she did to you.

The fact that you still care for her after what she did to you shows that you're a top bloke, however she does not deserve that care from you. She's an adult and she has to own her mistake and sort out her own mess.

I imagine the reason why she has reached out to you is because she realised that she fucked up. She has realised that the grass isn't greener and wants to re-establish that emotional connection with you.

If I were in your shoes, I would draw a line under it ASAP, as it may affect your own wellbeing.

[ginislife]

I'd block her number and forget her. She's going to mess with your head then crap on you from a great height again. She's using you as an emotional crutch because the other guy isn't nice and you are.

[HappiestSleeping]

I don't think you'll be able to move on while she is keeping you anchored in the past. Also I don't think any good will come of further contact, as others have said, she's just using you for emotional support and you need to look after yourself.

Good luck.

[Bogeyes]

Her problems are not your problems. You are not her saviour. Think very hard before getting involved.

[ThomasinaLivesHere]

I’d stay away from her and draw a line under it all. There’s no good that can come from staying in touch. Who knows her motive? Maybe she is sorry maybe she just had a fight with her boyfriend and wanted someone else to talk to. There’s no point in dwelling

[PermanentTemporary]

Secret motive?

She likes having you interested and on a string.

And she likes having more than one person on the go. She was unfaithful for years, so presumably she likes it that way. She was getting bored only having one person, or possibly only a few, maybe she usually has several on the go.

There are a lot of mixed messages in your post, because you know rationally it would be insane to get involved with her again, but part if you wants to. You're going to have to cut her off if you want to be free of her I think.

[TheRealProfessorYaffle]

I wonder what your own motive is for looking for a 'secret motive'. If you are not enjoying your ex's attention and giving her this headspace, then I would send a brief polite message telling her so and block. If part of you is interested and engaged in thinking about her and what 'all this means' then you might like to think about why this is and what you are hoping this will result in.

[bmuk]

Cheers lads, I know everyone is right

I can't cut her off yet though as she's still living in a house I'm paying for....... I wouldn't throw her out as I wouldn't make her son homeless. It is on the market but it has been for months with little interest. I'm going to put it up for auction after Xmas. Til then I'm always going to have a remaining link with her

I do still care for her, can't shut that off after 8 years despite what she did but I know it would never work as I'd never trust her. I just don't get why now after 10 month as she must also know there's no chance after what she did for so long.
It's been doing my head in and I'm annoyed at myself for letting it get to me