Is this normal?

[AnonymousDaddy]

Hi all,

I just wanted to get some advice from others that do not know me and would therefore, give a more unbiased opinion.

A quick run down on the situation. I have two kids (3 and 6) and a 50/50 lives with court order in place with a transition on a Friday. Prior to court, handovers from their mother to myself were always emotional as their mother would cry to them and tell them she would miss them and tells them she gets sad when they are not there, which as expected, would always make handovers difficult. As a result, the Friday transition day was put in place during court so that the transition happened during school hours and both parents were ordered not to put emotional strain on the children at handovers, which is great.

Fast forward a few months and I am now in a situation where the children bring items back from their Mums (these are not toys, as I have no issues with bringing stuff back and forth), items like bracelets with Mummy written on which again, I do not have any major issues with, however, the children were told to make sure they rub the bracelets so that Mummy knows they are thinking about her. I would then randomly catch them in the hallway reminding eachother to rub the bracelets so Mummy knows they are thinking about her. After a day or two, these bracelets would be forgotten about and normal children madness continued, but during the court agreed call (basically every other day) she would ask them if they have been rubbing their bracelets and they would either go get them from wherever they took them off last or start rubbing their bracelets and I would be at square one again.

This went on for a couple of months, until last week, for whatever reason, my daughter was told by her teacher that she is no longer allowed to wear the bracelet. I found this out as my daughter told me after I picked her up from school on Friday (the school had sent an email to all parents asking the children not to come to school with personal items so I assume it relates to this). To me, this was a relief as the bracelet nightmare was finally over, however, when going through her school bag to get homework out etc, I found an engraved wooden disc the size of a coaster that reads 'Use this pocket hug when you need comfort. Love Mummy x'. Now this, again, might sound sweet and cute, but to me feels like mind games with my daughter who seems to worry alot about Mummy at the moment.

I tried to talk to my daughter about it and she explained that the school might take away the bracelet and the wooden disc but they can't take away the heart. I asked her what she meant by that and she stood up and asked me to feel her heart, so I felt it and she told me that means Mummy is thinking about her, she said she can feel it all the time and when she can feel it it means Mummy is thinking about her. I tried to explain what the heart does and the human body etc without trying to burst her bubble too much but it was pretty much ignored.

Fast forward to yesterday and during their video call with their mum, she asked them if they have both been feeling their hearts and they both stood in front of the camera with their hands on their heart. It almost felt like little soldiers standing up and was quite sad to see.

My biggest issue with all of this is that I feel for a 3 year old and a 6 year old, they have a lot of pressure on them to worry about their Mum when they should be able to enjoy their time with their Dad. You can tell it does seem to put emotional strain on them, but if you even toy with the idea of taking the bracelet off, or telling her to leave the disc at home with Mummy, then it creates sadness, which is something I don't want to do, nor become the bad guy in it all.

Are these things small and trivial? If not, how would you handle it? Am I otherthinking it all and the kids will be fine? Do I try and put a stop to it somehow?

Any advice would be great :)

That’s absolutely not normal and is nearly like emotional abuse or brain washing… cults do similar things. I have no idea however on how to confront this or stop this behaviour except for potentially mediation. Maybe this is innocent on mums part or maybe she knows what she’s doing re guilt trip and is planting a seed that eventually means they may refuse contact with you. Based on the answer to the above the solutions will be different.

Thanks for your reply. I have thought similar, but at the same time, figured I may be being biased being the dad and maybe it was a normal thing to do (although speaking to close family and friends, they have similar thoughts like yours).

Without going into too much detail, having been married and lived with her for a number of years I know she usually does these type of things with an agenda/plan, but I can't think of what the agenda could be other than what you have stated above. I am worried if I contact her about it, then it may escalate and worse could come from it for both me and the kids, especially when things have finally started to calm down now the court order is in place.

I also wondered if maybe these things were put in there so that she gets a reaction out of me and hasn't, so is ramping things up.

Yeah potentially, the mind games are so petty and juvenile honestly
i mean I think of this we’re a romantic relationship you were talking about it would be deemed coercive control, it kind of reminded me of the Andrew gate documentary and some of the tactics he’s used on women to garner their attention, commitment and become their obsession.
or perhaps it is innocent and mums struggling to adjust and it is something that would go away or lessen with time as she becomes more comfortable with the arrangement . It would drive me mad all the same and isn’t nice for the kids.
my advice would be to see how things play out for a set time, depending on your arrangements could be a few weeks to a few months and if it escalates at the very least it’s good to have a record of it. Maybe ask teachers to note it or raise or with someone officially just to be safe in the extreme scenario it becomes parental alienation.
sorry I hope I haven’t freaked you out now may be nothing but better safe than sorry.

This isn't normal or healthy from their mum. A well rounded mother will step up to the plate and not want her kids to worry about her when her children are staying with their father. I personally as a mother would never want my child to be worrying about me like this or even thinking of me this much when we aren't together. I'd want them be to playing and having fun. I'd want them to be happy in my absence and come back to me in high spirits. An emotionally mature mother would want her children to be confident and happy and know their mum can take care of herself rather than trying to constantly get them to think and worry about her. I don't think her behaviour is healthy and I'd worry in the long term that it will make them deeply worried about her for no valid reason which can cause various degrees of emotional distress over time.