Advice from Dads please for a new mum to be: how to include DH in first 6 months

[Bea0001InowwishIhadabettername]

Hello,

I hope you can help me here. I've just finished listening to this morning's Woman's Hour phone-in which included quite a few men talking about how they really wanted to be a big part of their child's life and from the very start but felt, in the first six months, that they were excluded from a "mother-baby circle". Everything they said made all kinds of sense. So, now I'd love to get some suggestions from Dads on what I, and my DH - who is planning to take some extended time off - can do to ensure that he feels included in the first six months.

I'm an absolute newbie to all this, so any thoughts - no matter how seemingly obvious - gratefully received!

DH loved having a bath with DD and also as he was FF he used to share that as well, If he is taking extended leave then just let hime take baby out and about for a walk, gives you time for a much needed rest.

IF you are thinking about trying baby massage, then dad could do that - I tried it, but it made my milk leak all over the place and would drive the baby barmy!! - Also - dad might be better at soothing sometimes because baby can't smell the milk. A bottle of expressed breastmilk can also be handed over to dad to give you a bit of a break, or maybe just push them both out the door for a walk so you can shower and nap in peace.
Remember that dad doesn't have to always be doing something - just being with baby an be enough.
Plus, dads also need to understand that there is a certain limit as to what they can do in the first 6 months as it really is more for moms, unfortunately, especially if you breastfeed.

Make sure that even though you know you could do everything better / quicker / causing less stress and screaming that you don't say / tut / raise eyebrows / shove him out the way etc. etc.

Is really difficult to watch someone fiddling around with nappies / baby grows / not holding how you think is best but really really try not to say anything negative and be as encouraging as you can about what they are doing, possibly not standing over and watching everything that they do as well.

He will be much more likely to want to help with the baby and form a bond with them if he and you believe that he is just as capable of caring for it as you are.

What a good thread!

DH had an active part in Kieran's life from the word go, he came to all antenatals etc and was of course there at the birth.
Working round shifts (his) we worked it so that on his evenings off (2 a week) Roy did his bath, bottle, bed routine (nice for me), and did lunchtime bottles. (I did the early morning breakfast etc etc (he worked evenings) and we worked it so that Roy was "on duty" from me going to bed until 4am and I did 4am onwards (with working lates he slept in). It was great, he had a complete role as did I, we both still got free-time, no arsey-ness about who does most - absolutely fab.
Now Kieran is 19months old and we still have a fair share each and he has "Daddy days" out so I get a day off or time to do my paperwork (I work from home) and we share everything.
Setting out a plan before kieran was born which worked around his shifts etc worked great.

Good luck

Thanks for all the thoughts so far - really helpful. And really encouraging!

Bea, when are you due? Exiting stuff, hope everything goes well!

In my experience it will be up to you as the mother
how involved your partner will feel. The more you can let go and
completely hand responsibility to him, the more he will feel included.
Letting go might be more tricky than it sounds, though!
Try and combine 'Dad time' with 'treat time' for Mummy,
i.e. while he entertains lo for an hour, you enjoy a bath / power nap.

If there are Dads out there who were disappointed with
the lack of involvement and bonding in the first 6 months
then maybe some expectation management is in order:

Don't expect the first 6 months to be a bed of roses
with lots of fun and carefree bonding alround.
Expect it to be bewildering, knackering and at times downright boring.
Expect to play an important but ultimately peripheral supporting role.

View the first 6-12 months as the start-up investment.
You are investing your energy, your time, your sleep and a chunk of your sanity.
You are investing in new skills and in your new team.
Don't expect any returns until after the first year.
The returns will come, though, and by God they are pure magic!!

I wouldn't worry too much. DW has got to know several mums near where we live, and goes out to various things with them. It's never made me feel at all excluded from DS's life. I have been lucky in that I've been freelancing from home (forced by circumstances) but to be honest DS was a two person job from the word go and still is (wouldn't change him for anything).
.

The most important thing is that DH wants to be included. Discuss it now and be prepared to be flexible. I had a wonderful, if trying, time in my 3 weeks' paternity leave. I had DS a lot while DW was sleeping it off - even took him up to the allotments on day 2 to meet the committee!

Now I bathe and put him to bed in the evenings, and do as much at the weekend as I can - take up the allotments, strap him to my back when I'm cooking, play around with him.

Kind of gets in the way of all those other things I enjoy doing at times, but life is about positive choices.

More great advice. Cheers!

Changing nappies, doing housework, cooking, taking baby out in the pram, driving to Tesco at 3am with crying baby!!! Basically anything which means that Mum can get some rest, put her feet up and breastfeed the baby which is the ONLY thing that Dad can't do!

I would feed the baby at about 9pm then go to bed, while she stayed downstairs snoozing with Daddy - just him and her. He also did all the nighttime changes as I had a c-section and found it difficult to get in and out of bed (at least, that;s what I said ). And he did the baths, including her first one. One memorable, she pooed all over him at 3 in the morning - aaah, nothing says bonding like smelling of your baby's poo!

invest in a sling and let Dad take the baby out in that - my DH loved doing that with our first (second time round, he's entertaining the first one!) remember they do sleep so much in the beginning so that is a good way for them to have together time whilst mum rests. also looking after the mum is another way of ensuring harmony at home and good relationships all round.

We just approached the whole 'adventure' of having our first baby as a team, from going to the antenatal classes together, to preparing nursery etc. When dd finally arrived I exclusively bf for 6 months, so you might think that my dh would feel 'left out' but not at all. They developed their own relationship and now I'd say by dd is as close to him as she is to me, despite the fact that I still bf now at 15 months, and am at home with her 6 days a week. I don't think it is necessarily the amount of time or the type of activities dads do - it is feeling that you are a team together. He can help and support you when you need it, he can do things with lo - as long as you both keep communicating then your happy twosome will become a very happy little family. The early days when you are all tired and learning are a bit difficult, but keep leaning on each other, and before you and your dh will be getting on just fine. Good luck to you all

Let him find his own way and make mistakes.

As DaddyJ says, expectation management is important. In the first weeks, babies tend to sleep, eat and cry, and the crying can go on for a long time. They don't spend much time just being at one with the world. I think dads can feel excluded because if you are bf they can't do the feeding, and some babies will only fall asleep in the early days if 'fed to sleep' (which, incidentally, despite what the books say isn't a problem in itself). This leaves them with the crying bit. In the early days there may be nothing you can 'do' about the crying bit except hold the baby and wait for it to pass.

Stuff they can do is hold baby in sling, go for long walks with baby while mother sleeps and do baths and baby massage, and ofcourse change nappies. It all gets better at about 4 months when they are more interested in playing.