Feel bad about an argument with my mother

[adamsund]

A few days ago I was at my mothers house with my kids. The kids had gone to bed and my mother asked me how things were going with my ex-wife (we divorced a couple of years ago). My mother criticized a recent and action I had taken with my ex and our discussion turned into an argument. In the end I got fairly upset and told my mother that I only visited for the benefit of the kids and that I felt nothing towards her (I don't have any relationship with my mother aside for visiting with the kids). My mother was domestically violent towards my dad when I was a kid, and violent and possibly abusive towards myself when I was a teenager. I feel bad about the argument.

Don’t tell her anything of importance, that she could have an opinion on, and make your visits as short as possible.

Don't feel bad about the argument, you have unresolved issues regarding the treatment you received from the hands of your mother. What action you took towards your ex wife is nothing to do with your mother. How would it work if you dropped the kids off for an overnight stay on their own every now and again? Then you don't have to be subject to arguments and her criticism. Does she treat your kids ok?

If she was abusive when you were a child then it is understandable you feel anger towards her. Is there benefit to your children of visiting someone like that? Or has she massively changed now.

Is it to the benefit of your DC to have a relationship with her if she is abusive?

My mum was the same to my dad and me as a child. It was honestly a relief when she died a few years ago. With hindsight I should have cut her out of my life a long time before that, in fact I ended up living with her till I was 32 because I felt sorry for her! (Including when I was married and had my dd, now aged 20). You don’t owe her anything - you certainly don’t owe her contact with your kids. You feel bad because she’s clearly good at manipulating you but you don’t have to put up with this.