Need a man's advice on DH...

[SuperGrrrl]

DH and i have been together 10years this year, and we have 2 kids under 2yrs. For the first 2 years our sex life was fantastic- we did and tried most things, fairly frequently. Now i know over time, things like that dwindle a bit, but since then, DHs libido have taken a huge nose dive.

I haven't let myself go- despite 2 little ones, i look pretty good. DH says it's not me, it's all him. He just doesn't have much inclination. Plus, now we're knackered too.

I'm often too tired, but i still make an effort. If we had sex just a couple of times a month i'd be happy, but we go months without now. It seems like the reason changes (work was stressful, i was pregnant, he's too tired, he's achey etc etc)

We love each other, we're best mates. We share interests and friends, we still cuddle and kiss...but i miss a sex life.

So, before i waffle on and give you my life story- does anyone have any experience of being the Dad with no interest in sex? Does anyone have any ideas of things i could try that might make him more inspired?

I'm probably clutching at straws, but throw in your pennies worth!

did you know you typed penis worth, not pennies worth?

MADE YOU LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!

hope someone more mature comes along to give you advice soonsih

It is difficult when the kid(s) are so young. Myself and DW can let a month drift past without getting round to sex just because you're so tired that sometimes no matter how tempting the thought of sex is, the desire for just a bit more sleep is overwhelming. That being said, I'm afraid I wouldn't put myself in your DH's shoes as I'm generally up for it, bone-shattering tiredness permitting!

What I would say, from both mine and DW's perspective is that sex is definitely one of those things where once you start having it more often, it creates a virtuous circle of wanting it more. On the other hand, the longer you leave it, the less you miss it. If it's been a while/ pretty infrequent, perhaps he simply has got used to not having it and just doesn't miss it.

I guess on that basis you just need to remind him how good it can be and get back into the habit. Trying to inspire someone is very personal - what works for one guy might very well not work for another so I'm not sure I (or any other guys) will have any specific advice. The only real pointer I'd say is maybe this.

Having sex, whilst fun, is kinda hard work in a way. I'm assuming when you have sex he's keen for you to, shall we say, enjoy yourself as much as possible. If he's knackered and out of the habit the thought of having to satisfy you (as well as give up sleep etc) might make him less inclined to have sex. That could be utter bollocks of course, and maybe I'm entirely alone in thinking that, so I'm hoping other dads might back me up here! If that is the case, then maybe lower key forms of sexual activity might be a better starting point, if you're happy to put his happiness first. Maybe as little as a light massage, maybe something more full one like a bj, or just something in between, but something that means he can just lie back and not do anything. I'd be bloody surprised if he didn't go for that! Maybe after a few sessions like that, his libido will come springing back into life...

Agree with cestlavie. He's nicked my post really!

Maybe before you had the los sex was just effortless
for you two, it happened and it happened lots.
Now you find yourself having to 'make it happen'.

So make it happen!

Put your dh on your To-Do-List. Do you remember how you
used to seduce him? Good. We need some of that.
Not just the good stuff that happens in the bedroom
but all the stuff that got you both dragging each other to the bedroom.

If the tried'n tested routes to bed are blocked
you need to get creative.
Plenty of topical threads on MN to give you ideas!

thing is, i never had to really seduce him as such. just being in the same room did it initially, or a flash of my arse! he's never really let me initialise things anyway, and i've been told no so many times(and even had my hand slapped away once) that i don't physically try to start anything now- i haven't for years. It ususlly goes like this: Me (giving him as kiss)'Do you feel like getting upto some mischief with your wife?' Him: 'No, i'm tired' End of conversation.

i do think it's become habit. i know he enjoy himself if he pushed himself, but i wish he didn't have to push himself- it makes me feel like crap.

i've almost lost all my baby weight, so i'm going to clear out loads of my old clothes and get some new undies etc. I don't think it'll help though

When DW and I got like this, I realised that if we didn't plan intimacy like we planned all the other things, it wouldn't happen.

So on Thursday evenings, we went to bed early, with no expectations about chandelier-swinging sex, but with the intention of being nice to each other and spending time together.

And it worked : )

If intimacy is lacking, it'll take some time to come back, but you have to try.