ok I want some dads advice..

[Used2Bsosweet]

Ok ladies, this is going to be long but i need to get it out before i explode.

I met my ds1's sperm donor in 1995 the following year we got together and the year after that I fell pg with ds1. Throughout pg now ex would tell me how he wanted ds1 to be called Gess as opposed to Jess which is what he and his ex were going to call their child if she hadn't had an abortion. I refused and asked my mum to pick a name which she did. Also thoughout pg he would tell me how i was fat and ask me if it was any wonder he would rather wank over page 3 girls than have sex with me, along with this came the beatings which progressed from when we argued to hom having a bad day at work, or his footy team losing...basically any reason. I had ds1 in 1998 and for a cple of months things were ok then the beatings started again along with the verbal abuse and him running me down so much i had no confidence. Sad to say the thing that gave me the confidence to get him out was the attention i started getting from another man...who turned out to be married i didn't know for a cple months. So i called police one day and got ex out, ds1 was 22 months old. I did my best for them to have a relationship but ex would do things which he knew would annoy me for instance instead of bringing him home at 5pm it would be 9 and he wouldnt have had any dinner so i was left with a hungry tired grump 2yr old. Eventually i gave ex a choice take care of him properly when he was in his care or stay away and stop being so evil to him. He then started taking ds1 to his mums on visiting day, now at the time ds1 would not eat anything but chicken, he would be returned to my parents or me with a bag of biscuits and a bottle of coke. I had to put a stop to it and told ex he could see ds1 but things had to change, ds1 was then coming up to 3yrs old and told me he didn't like calling him dad as when he was with him he spent more time with his other son than being a dad to him..not in those exact words mind. I tried my best to convince ds1 he should call him dad but he refused nd called him by his name....I did try to stop this. A few months later after always returning distressed ds1 said to me " i don't want to see him again" I tried to convince him he should etc but every sunday he would do something to prevent going even deliberatly wetting himself just before he was due to be collected, throwing his shoes out the window, soaking the clothes i got ready for him in the bath along with many other things. We moved and regardless of what i did or said ds1 refused to see his father, so i started inviting him to our home for the visits, UNTIL the day I cooked a sunday dinner and because i shunned his propositions he threw the dinner down and told ds1 he was going to leave and take his ds1 to the park. I was furious for this, He then began sitting outside ds1's school and telling him he would kill me and take him away...ds1 refused to go to school, sleep, and the bad behaviour started. Now ds1 is 9 1/2 yrs old, the bad behaviour has got to the point that he thinks he is big enough to hit me, screams so loud that last week we had the police in the flat and he told them, i know what i am doing i can stop if i want to but i don't want to yet. I am at my wits end especially as now ds1 has got it into his head that ex is best thing since sliced bread and told me tonight he wants to go and live with him, its as if he has forgotten all he did to him and out it all on me. He tells people i have no respect for my mum she won't let me see my dad, but i don't stop him i have spent the last 4 weeks emailing, phoning and texting him but have no reply. I don;t know where he lives or anything else....I am in tears most of the day and i know this is not good for ds2 4 months. Tonight ds1 has ripped me out of a photo, smashed a garage i bought him when i had ds2, told me he wants to either live with his dad or go into care and all this started because i asked him to empty the dishwasher???????????? what am i to do? I have only ever said once that he couldn't see him and that was 4 months ago when after not seeing him for 3 yrs he asked to take him to a footy match, but knowing his drinking habits i said no....The other times when ds1 has asked to see him i have done all i can to try and get him to come and see him.

ooppss should have changed where it said ladies,,,,

SO SORRY GUYS BUT IT IS LONG.

Have done this as a few peosters would be massiveley put off by trying to read the OP, all in one go,as it were. Really hoping you DON'T mind??

I met my ds1's sperm donor in 1995 the following year we got together and the year after that I fell pg with ds1.

Throughout pg now ex would tell me how he wanted ds1 to be called Gess as opposed to Jess which is what he and his ex were going to call their child if she hadn't had an abortion. I refused and asked my mum to pick a name which she did. Also thoughout pg he would tell me how i was fat and ask me if it was any wonder he would rather wank over page 3 girls than have sex with me, along with this came the beatings which progressed from when we argued to hom having a bad day at work, or his footy team losing...basically any reason.

I had ds1 in 1998 and for a cple of months things were ok then the beatings started again along with the verbal abuse and him running me down so much i had no confidence. Sad to say the thing that gave me the confidence to get him out was the attention i started getting from another man...who turned out to be married i didn't know for a cple months. So i called police one day and got ex out, ds1 was 22 months old.

I did my best for them to have a relationship but ex would do things which he knew would annoy me for instance instead of bringing him home at 5pm it would be 9 and he wouldnt have had any dinner so i was left with a hungry tired grump 2yr old. Eventually i gave ex a choice take care of him properly when he was in his care or stay away and stop being so evil to him.
He then started taking ds1 to his mums on visiting day, now at the time ds1 would not eat anything but chicken, he would be returned to my parents or me with a bag of biscuits and a bottle of coke.

I had to put a stop to it and told ex he could see ds1 but things had to change, ds1 was then coming up to 3yrs old and told me he didn't like calling him dad as when he was with him he spent more time with his other son than being a dad to him..not in those exact words mind. I tried my best to convince ds1 he should call him dad but he refused nd called him by his name....I did try to stop this.

A few months later after always returning distressed ds1 said to me " i don't want to see him again" I tried to convince him he should etc but every sunday he would do something to prevent going even deliberatly wetting himself just before he was due to be collected, throwing his shoes out the window, soaking the clothes i got ready for him in the bath along with many other things. We moved and regardless of what i did or said ds1 refused to see his father, so i started inviting him to our home for the visits, UNTIL the day I cooked a sunday dinner and because i shunned his propositions he threw the dinner down and told ds1 he was going to leave and take his ds1 to the park.

I was furious for this, He then began sitting outside ds1's school and telling him he would kill me and take him away...ds1 refused to go to school, sleep, and the bad behaviour started. Now ds1 is 9 1/2 yrs old, the bad behaviour has got to the point that he thinks he is big enough to hit me, screams so loud that last week we had the police in the flat and he told them, i know what i am doing i can stop if i want to but i don't want to yet.

I am at my wits end especially as now ds1 has got it into his head that ex is best thing since sliced bread and told me tonight he wants to go and live with him, its as if he has forgotten all he did to him and out it all on me. He tells people i have no respect for my mum she won't let me see my dad, but i don't stop him i have spent the last 4 weeks emailing, phoning and texting him but have no reply. I don;t know where he lives or anything else....I am in tears most of the day and i know this is not good for ds2 4 months.

Tonight ds1 has ripped me out of a photo, smashed a garage i bought him when i had ds2, told me he wants to either live with his dad or go into care and all this started because i asked him to empty the dishwasher???????????? what am i to do? I have only ever said once that he couldn't see him and that was 4 months ago when after not seeing him for 3 yrs he asked to take him to a footy match, but knowing his drinking habits i said no....The other times when ds1 has asked to see him i have done all i can to try and get him to come and see him.

Pan that was nice
am posting so I can have a look tomorrow

i think he def needs some sort of counselling, but as to what i dont know. i am sure this is a 'phase' and with the right help he will grow out of it.

sorry i cant offer anymore.

cx

used2be - I'm not sure what it is that you are asking for advice/support on? There does seem to be quite a few things that are occupying and draining you.

IT springs out at me at least is that you should stop trying to "make things better" when that involves another adult who appears to place no value on you or your eldest child at all.

And, that the care and protection of your second child is v. important, esp. if the sheer anger of ds1 is beginnig to make itself real in terms of abusing you.

There are lots of things to say, and I am stuttering over them. But the 'not trying to make it all nice' and protection of ds2 stand out.

also, shift it over to Rel. or behaviour/development section.

Not sure why it's specifically Dad's stuff you need here..and this place is often Tumbleweed Junction.

Hi,
Sounds like he is a very angry boy and I suspect the "I want to live with him" is simply the best way to lash out and get a response.
If your XP is loathsome enough to have hit you, do you really want your DS to have a relationship with him? Is it really healthy? I say this because such abusers are depraved and it sounds like he has been emotionally abusing your child. I agree that for the most part it is important for children to have a relationship with their father if possible, but in a case like this, I'm not so sure.
However, in this case what he really and you really need is professional help, and quickly.

As with Pan, I would also suggest shifting the thread to behaviour/development thread.

I feel for you, this sounds like a terrible situation.

Your son has had really poor models of masculinity to base his behaviour on. You deserve credit for trying to keep the relationship between your son and his dad going, but his dad sounds like a nasty, aggressive, domineering bully. Frankly, he sounds like scum and he shouldn't be let near your children again.

Unfortunately, dads are the most important men in their sons' lives, even when they are behaving appallingly. It seems that your son has picked up that violence and confrontation are the ways that "real men" behave, especially towards women.

You will need some family counselling to get over this. Please get some professional help as soon as possible.

Going forward, your son needs positive, affirming, responsible male role models in his life. These could be the martial arts instructor, the sports coach, the funky music teacher, the uncle who likes messing about with classic cars. People who can absorb his energy and show him how to behave properly. It's your job to try and find these people somehow.

Triath, Thankyou for your reply. Ds1 has not seen his father for almost 3 yrs and I have been with my dp for just over 2 yrs. It has been very hard over the time to try and help ds1 and ex to forge a relationship. Ds1 emailed his father the other day and got a reply back that has infuriated me, thankfully i read it before i allowed him to, and I then read it to him even though he is more than capable, Its just I wanted to save him more heartache....His fathers reply was...

"I just feel that I have been messed around, where seeing you is concerned, I find it very difficult to get on with my life, find some happiness and a new family when I am forced to deal with the emotions I was being subjected to by seeing you.

Please do not ever think I have not wanted to see you, I think of you every day!!! I just feel the terms of our spending time together unfair as i want to take you to football and you don't want to go, i want to see you alone and you won't come out with just me"

He tries to play games with a 9 yr old.

Pretty sick. Your DS might be better of without him.

Scarcely spoken to my father since 12. A great motivation for doing better with my DS.