Marriage and Relationshi*s (it's a p or a t - take your pick)

[AngelEyes74]

Hi

I thought I would post this on the Dadsnet section to try and get some male perspective on my question as well as female... cos we all know the ladies will wanna have a nosey to see what the men are talking about heh heh.

Why else did I end up here??

Anyway, OP and myself are having our 1st baby imminently and are engaged but not married. I have never been into the whole idea of getting married for various reasons but now there is a child on the way I am thinking maybe we should get married. How not romantic is that? OP always says he would love to marry me and have me as his proper wife but we don't have a conventional relationship and TBH I don't really know what a real, happy, proper male female relationship is meant to be like since all the men I know (well 80%) talk to their wives or about their wives in a really derogatory manner. They moan about being nagged all the time. Half appear to be hen pecked and do everything to keep the wife happy but then when they're on their own they talk about her as if they wished they had never met and "only stay with her cos of the kids" but the next thing they are away for a romantic weekend to a 5 star hotel which I can't see someone doing with someone they can't stand the sight of. Then there are the others who have their wives wrapped around their little finger, treating them like a doormat and the wives are so beaten down mentally that they seem to just go along with everything the husband says and does and the man thinks everything is hunky dory but still they don't show any respect in public.

However, there are the ones who act all lovey dovey and over the top ALL the time and seem to have this facade over their relationship where they want everyone to be jealous of them and think they have the best relationship ever. The next thing they have split up and gone their separate ways or you find out one of them is cheating their way through the phone book!

I just don't get relationships at all. I suppose I would like to be a fly on the wall to see what really goes on in people's lives cos sometimes I just want to get up and leave and run away with my dog and just do everything I want to do and not have to compromise on every little thing right down to the type of toilet paper we use, what washingup liquid to buy, where do we wanna go on holiday cos he thinks it's too hot there and she thinks it's too tacky there so we both end up somewhere neither of us REALLY wants to be but both decide "ok".

AAAARGH!!!! Sorry to intrude on your message board and rant but I just want some opinions on an age old topic.

I'm not a Dad but would like to comment anyway.

Why are you so hung up about other people's relationships? What difference does it make to yours whether some one else is henpecked, or a doormat or whatever? Of course we all make judgments about other people's marriages/relationships from what they say and do, but personally I always bear in mind that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I can't think why any couple would want to make every single decision together, to the extent of coming to an agreement about the brand of toilet paper. Big decisions, yes of course, but in our house some things are his province and some are mine.

If you're having a baby then your decisions about how to live your life affect not only your partner, but now also the baby. It's fine to have fantasies about being a free agent, but if you put them into practice now there will be enormous repercussions.

Marriage isn't about romance, in my opinion. Romance was a literary construct of the Middle Ages, when a young swain would fall in love with some one unattainable and it would be a doomed relationship, usually ending in the early demise of one or both. Nothing to do with marriage which is the long term contract entered into for mutual benefit and the raising of children. The ownership of property has a lot to do with it too.

This is like asking "What's it all about?" " How did the world start?"

Hoping you don't mind too much, but it doesn't sound like you've thought about this a great deal...and a bit well, teenager'ish.

Can only suggest you have a longer think about how you'd like to live, not compared with anyone else. And do it.

Afraid your title doesn't add anything good to the impression either.

I married because I wanted my husband to know he was worth my standing up in front of witnesses and promising to be with him for life. I also wanted him to make that investment in me.

I love him deeply and of course, it hasn't been easy all the time, but it's been fantastic most of the 8 years of our marriage.

You have to expect it not to be easy all the time, what is, that's got any value in it?

Do you love your partner? Do you want to be with him for life? Does he fulfil your needs? Do you think being married to him will enrich both of your lives and bring out the best in both of you? Can you trust one another?

These are the questions to be thinking about, not worrying about what other people's relationships are like.

How is your relationship "not conventional" if you don't mind my asking? Other than because of your obvious misguivings about relationships per se..

Is your OP your best friend? Do you look forward to seeing him? When you think of something funny do you want to tell OP first? When you are sad do you want OP to hug?

Every relationship is different, as Elasticwoman says, don't be looking at the rest of the world and measuring your relationship against them, but every successful relationship IS a partnership. Compromise is an important element of a relationship, but the most important thing is that you support each other.

Concentrate on what's important to you and on how you and your OP will build a happy, loving and supportive family with your baby... not on anyone else's relationship.

Appropriate that I'm writing this on Valentine's Eve... romance is spontaneous and special - an expression of love itself, not what defines it. Love is smiling when you see your best friend asleep next to you in the morning, or sat on the couch stuffing their face with crisps.

Marriage is a form (and a formal one at that) of relationship and not actually important. What's important, and especially now you have someone else to care for, is that being together is a positive decision, not a "needs must' thing. I do everything to keep my DW happy, and I always will, not to keep her quiet, but because her happiness is important to me, why would it not be? I am confident that my happiness is important to her!

By the way - in our house, I buy the toilet paper and washing up liquid... after comments and advice from my DW of course...

Is the 'unconventional' aspect of your relationship to do with it not being monogamous? Or is it to do with you being vegans/travellers/homeopaths/Napalm Death fans? Whatever, if your relationship is generally making all those involved happy, then don't waste time worrying about what other people think or do.

crisps... chocolate... *substitute food item of choice

must go, am being yawned at.

hey! it could be ME sat stuffing MY face...

oh, that doesn't make it any more romantic does it...

And can I just add how rewarding it is bringing up a child within a relationship. Who else will care about the minutiae of your child's life, from the colour of poo they've done, to the amazing new steps they've taken, to the cuddles and love they give you? Who else will give you the support and understanding you need when they day has been a really tough one, filled with tantrums and upset? IMO it's only the other parent of that child who has that level of comprehension and interest.

FWIW I am also not married to the father of my one and a half children (am currently pregnant with numebr 2) and, although we do intend to get married at some point, it isn't the most important thing for us.

sunshinemummy - what an apt name

it's EQUALLY as rewarding bringing up my wonderful children more or less on my own because i don't feel the need to share their achivements, I know they are down to my hard work, love & nuturing.

when the days been tough, i go online! ;)

Angel74, please don't just get married because you feel you should because of the baby. get married because you want to shout it from the rooftops, do dizzy terrifying romantic things together, can't imagine what life would be like without your OH. Getting married because of a pregnancy is wrong. I turned down a marriage proposal when pregnant - just as well, the solicitors would have made a fortune when he buggered off. ''

( I didn't mean 'apt' in a snideyway btw sunshinemummy i know the internet can be a bit one dimensional, where it comes to nuance. i think it's lovely that you feel like that about your OH - I'm just 'cloudy' or 'overcastmummy' sometimes!)

PSnape I wasn't trying to denigrate (can't think of a better word at the mo) single parenthood, I hope you don't think that. I'm sure it's incredibly tough and equally rewarding.

I guess where I'm coming from is, when I was pregnant with DS, one of DP's colleagues went into his office to speak to him and said something along the lines of, don't tell me about your child and what they've done because I'm not interested, and you aren't in mine. DP is away at the moment and it's lovely being able to tell him things DS has done or said and he's genuinely interested.

But equally, we are not together just for the children (in fact we'd been together for 15 years before we had DS so we could hardly be). He is my best friend and there is nothing we love better than being together. And we are still quite romantic with each other.

x posts PSnape. It can be hard to get things across sometimes exactly in the spirit you mean them.

Hmm. YOu don't have to be in a couple-relationship with the other parent of your child to be on amicable terms with him/her to the extent that you can chat away about what your DC did/said/excreted to the other person in the world who is just as interested. You can be married to the other parent of your child and find that he/she would rather talk about work or his/her spiritual growth than the DC's spelling test results. There's waaaaay more possibilities than the two poles of: loving-married-couple-with-DC and single-parent-with-Fiendish-Ex-who-never-sees-DC, after all.

Sorry Madamez I didn't mean what I put to be so controversial. I guess I am really lucky that our relationship works in this way.

I'd been with DW for 10 years or so before we got married. The proposal was about as unromantic as it gets - I was a little tipsy one evening and feeling very good about the world, crawled into bed, gave her a big hug and suggested we get married. Amazingly she said yes - and I'm glad she did.
Maybe I'm lucky, but I've never felt remotely hen pecked, although I know some men who have.
DW is happy for me to go out on occasion (being a financial journo evenings out are with work are kind of part of the job). But I always ask first if its ok with her, because that's just polite. I think the key is to give each other a bit of space if and when they need it.
The situation you describe is sad, but it doesn't mean it happens to everyone. And if your relationship is good, then marrying doesn't mean it has to change. It didn't with us. The arrival of DS has been a serious challenge. It's tough, we're both frazzled, and stressed, but I'm glad we had him too.

Sunshinemummy I don;t think your post was controversial or rude or anything. It's good that you are happy and your situation works. But getting married and/or staying together for the children are not always the best options for everyone.

Gimli, your proposal does sound romantic - a bit tipsy and feeling good about the world. What's wrong with that?

Angeleyes, you are the only one who can decide whether to marry your partner or not. But I chose to marry my man because I couldn't imagine living without him. I wanted to grow old with him and walk to the post office and collect our pensions together. (We were 20 and 21, this seemed a romantic vision at the time.)

Btw, OP usually means 'opening poster' i.e. the person who starts the thread. (There's an acronym list at the top of the page under 'useful stuff' that you might find helpful.)