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Original poster

Am I in my right to send Daughter to family member in my care

53 replies

Graveturtle · 11/03/2023 08:42

A breif description of my situation

Ive been apart from my ex nearly 4 years now
I live with new partner and we have my three children regularly. Everyone in the household get along but my eldest daughter has now been showing displays of disrespect towards me and my partner. To the extent she has hit and kicked me and tells my partner to shut up she doesnt have a say

Ive tried numerous occassions to talk with her on a level, but it doesnt seem to be setting in. Ive explained that rules in our house may differ from your mums, but whilst you are here, you respect our rules. We both pay towards the house and your little brother and sister follow the rules

There obviously is history between me and ex and the disrespect towards me certainly stems from this

The past 2 weeks I've taken it upon myself to take all 3 children to my mothers, to try diffuse the hostile situation between me and my partner, however, this is a massive upheaval as she lives a 30 min drive.

I don't want her in my home at this moment in time and am looking into counselling for us both, but in the meantime, I need to make her realise its not ok

The little 2 children are suffering, as am I, my partner and mother. What's the next step I ask?

As her mother refuses to keep her till its sorted, I'm thinking of stripping further luxuries of the home and send her to my Aunties. Its walking distance from her school, she's 13 years of age and the walk is only 20mins.

She shows no remorse, empathy and spends to much time on her phone to acknowledge what its going on around her. She insists she is happy to come to our house but wont talk to my partner. I said that's not how a family home works and I'm not happy with that mentality

Good solution? In my right? Please advise

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/03/2023 11:02

Ruffpuff · 11/03/2023 10:22

Let’s not all pretend it’s normal teenage behaviour to hit and kick parents. I think in this circumstance professional help and family counselling is needed.

Of course it isn’t it is an indicator of something going badly wrong. But given what the OP says about moving new partner in, new partner trying to lay down rules and be an authority figure/parent far too soon has gone wrong and he is siding with his new partner.

it’s also telling there is a lot of my home and our home (him and partner) but no recognition that it is her home as well. Just implementing sanctions rather than solving issue

AltheaVestr1t · 11/03/2023 11:06

Your daughter has gone through a difficult time with the divorce of her parents, accepting a new partner, new siblings, as the eldest, she will find it hardest to adapt. She already feels rejected by your leaving the family home, and is acting out her feelings in her behaviour. And you propose to fix this by abandoning her? What kind of parent are you?

Letstaketotheskies · 11/03/2023 11:10

Is there somewhere you can ask her to be WITHIN your home when she’s being rude? Basically, her having a room (or half a room if she shares with a sibling) that is HER space within your home might help.
So if she’s being rude you can tell her that it’s not acceptable and she should go do her homework/read/relax up in her room rather than be rude to family members in the shared space of the living room/dining room.
If you send her away to a relative then you’re telling her she isn’t part of your household.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 11/03/2023 11:11

Have you considered going to parenting classes because you only have your DC for a very limited amount of time and you don't seem to be coping very well?

Your DD's life has been completely blown up. Her parents live apart, you spend more time with your new DP than you do with your DC so there's going to be an element of testing you to see if you actually love her (your DD) and you're responding to this test by ejecting her from your house and pushing her away even further?

How would you feel if your DP unilaterally decided to move another adult into your house who could boss you about and if you didn't do what this stranger told you then your possessions would be taken away from you? Would you be ok with that? Really?

Because this is what you've done to your DC and you seem to think they should be fine with it and are very surprised when they're not.

Look into getting some parenting lessons that will hopefully help your home life and possibly some counselling for your DD as she's clearly struggling at the moment and you are doing nothing to help her.

MILLYmo0se · 11/03/2023 11:14

No its not the right thing to do, you arent prepared to do the hard work of parenting a teen and are looking to outsource it to a relative. YOU and the other adults have created the situation your child is trying to deal with on top of the usual teen upheavel of hormones, friendships, testing boundaries etc. What does your aunt think of your proposal? If she has a good relationship with the child and contacts her to meet up or go for lunch as extra support for her and help relieve tension in the house great, but you need to parent your child. Theres no guarantee the currently perfect younger children wont also be hard work as teens too!!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/03/2023 11:15

Maybe you should purchase some books on talking to/parenting teens.

JimnJoyce · 11/03/2023 11:23

just nope!

Schnooze · 11/03/2023 11:23

The more she pushes you away, the more she really needs you. The worst thing you could do is send her to her aunties. You need to spend some extra one on one time with her and show your love for her, make her feel secure and that you love her regardless of how annoying she can be.

She wants you not your partner. She probably resents that she get you more than she does. So for now, get your partner to stand back. Don’t force her on dd any more than is absolutely necessary. When the pressure is off then gradually she can be included in your lives more.

Throwncrumbs · 11/03/2023 11:25

So her mother ‘won’t keep her to sort her out’ your mother won’t have her, so now you want her auntie to have her, what a awful ‘dad’ you are, trying to pass the buck to anyone who will have her or not have her…poor child, no wonder she’s ‘playing up’ no one wants her! It’s everyone else’s problem but yours isn’t it. How about you spend time with her as that what she needs , but you are obviously to selfish to see that !😡

gazpachosoupday · 11/03/2023 11:37

If this is fairly new behaviour from you daughter.

Is it because the move is fairly recent?
Or your Partner is pregnant?

Ttwinkletoes · 11/03/2023 11:53

you should probably limit the time she is on her phone

SheilaFentiman · 11/03/2023 12:11

“As her mother refuses to keep her till its sorted”

How, exactly, do you think her not coming to you when her younger, more biddable siblings do, will “get it sorted”?

Her mum is absolutely right not to collude in this!

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 12:14

I'm thinking of stripping further luxuries of the home and send her to my Aunties I'm not sure I fully understand this but are you saying during your custody time you're going to make her live with her aunt?

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 11/03/2023 12:18

Your poor DC.

My own DS has a, shall we say, tricky relationship with his step mum. Their (his dad and step mum) solution was to stop him going to their house. No other contact was offered.

Ex can't understand why DS now chooses not to see him more than about 3 times per year.

Please don't put your DP before your child.

Original poster
Graveturtle · 11/03/2023 12:28

Thank you all for feedback. We have councelling in place and some parenting stuff coming up. I know what i should do

OP posts:
jellybe · 11/03/2023 12:31

How long have you been with your partner?
How long ago did you and her mother separate?
Are the younger two your kids with partner or with ex?

Honestly, you trying to ship DD off to a family member is just telling your DD that you don't have time for her. She is testing you because everything feels up in the air for her and she isn't feeling part of the family when at your house. Make time for her! Just her, she needs time with her Dad one on one. Doing things she is interested in.

SheilaFentiman · 11/03/2023 12:35

Graveturtle · 11/03/2023 12:28

Thank you all for feedback. We have councelling in place and some parenting stuff coming up. I know what i should do

What have you decided?

Maedan · 11/03/2023 12:40

No, sending your daughter to a family member or expecting your ex to sort out her the teenage years is definitely not right. Try parenting her yourself 🤷 what's the cause of the problem?

MelchiorsMistress · 11/03/2023 12:40

You need to give your dds feelings a much higher priority than you are currently doing and stop putting your new partner first. You don’t have the right to force her as family onto your child. You made that choice for you, not her, and you still have a responsibility to act like a decent loving father towards her even if she doesn’t accept you wanting a new partner.

LittleAIexHorne · 11/03/2023 12:40

If you had remained married and ended up with you and your wife dealing with a typically stroppy 13 year old girl, what would you have done about it? Would you have parented her, sent her away, or let it all up to your wife?

You need to parent your child. That doesn’t change because you’re in a different home.

SheilaFentiman · 11/03/2023 12:45

And if your DD is hitting and kicking at home too, why should your ex get it 24/7?

Jadviga · 11/03/2023 13:16

I agree with everyone else that you need to parent her, not foist the problem unto someone else. Her mother is right to refuse to keep her full time - you seem to be looking for a cop out.

My advice is :

  • try and spend one on one time with her. It doesn't need to be intense or a full day, but it should be regular - every week-end you have her ideally. Take her shopping, go for coffee, go for a walk...
  • take on the brunt of the parenting - if she misbehaves in front of you, YOU need to make her stop and enforce consequences. Your partner should only deal with her behaviour if you're not there (and ideally you should limit as much as possible the time your partner spends alone with her because it's not her job to parent your daughter and your daughter came to see you, not her step mom).
  • do not tolerate blatant disrespect or physical violence. What did you do when she hit you ? Did you let your partner deal with it ? That's the worst thing you could do. Enforce consequences. Time out, phone away, ground her. She's not too old for that. I repeat, do NOT cop out of parenting her when she misbehaves. That would be really unfair on both her and your partner.
  • you mention she spends too much time on her phone. Take the phone away and let her earn phone time in the evening for good behaviour. It doesn't have to be a huge effort on her part - if she spends the day being polite, it should be enough.
  • give as well as take. If there is conflict about unimportant things such as chores, bed time, how much time she spends on her phone... Either let her, compromise, or give her a chance to earn it. For instance if she has chores that she would rather do at another time, tell her she can manage her own time as long as it gets done. If it doesn't get done, she loses the privilege of managing her own time. Treat her, to an extent, like the adult you would like her to become. When she misuses her freedom, yank back.
  • communicate. Talk to her as much as listen to her. Tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. Tell her you love her. Tell her you would like to find ways to improve the situation for everyone, and listen to her input. If she asks for something unreasonable (eg : "I want you to leave your partner") tell her that's not happening but perhaps she can suggest something else. If she doesn't that's fine - the important thing is that the conversation may make her reflect on the issues and find ways to explain what it is that she is struggling most with.
Anotherturnipforthebooks · 11/03/2023 13:23

I don't want her in my home at this moment in time

But it's her home too?

Ask yourself if what you're planning would be acceptable if you were still living with her mother. Parents don't generally send their 13 year olds to live with older relatives because they're not compliant.

OopsAnotherOne · 15/03/2023 11:55

Your 13 year old DD has been through a hell of a hard time with separating parents and the emotional turmoil that comes with that, new houses, her whole life has changed due to something she had no say in and now she is being told that she has to live with and accept being disciplined by someone who is essentially a stranger to her, and she's pushing back against this! The solution is not to abandon her by fobbing her off to female relatives because you're unable to handle the situation. Your daughter should be the priority over your DP in this situation.

You obviously met your DP and began a romantic relationship with her and have strong feelings towards her, but your DD won't feel the same. Your DD has a mother, she doesn't want to accept your DP as a mother, she doesn't have to like her, she doesn't have to love her, she doesn't have to accept her as a second mother. She shouldn't be disrespectful but you cannot force your daughter to treat your DP as a member of her family.

The home you and your DP live in isn't your home that your DD visits sometimes, it should be your DD's home too. She should feel safe, secure, happy, loved and prioritised. It's likely she feels your DP is prioritised over her, and that her dad doesn't love her as much anymore or that she's been replaced by your DP. Removing her luxuries and threatening to send her away to other relatives when you should be spending time with her yourself, creating a bond, having 1 to 1 time together, taking her on days out, getting involved with her hobbies and interests etc will just cement in her brain that Dad doesn't really love her and she's been replaced by your DP. She cannot be forced into playing happy families with your partner as the second Mum, she has a mum, your DP may always be "Dad's girlfriend" in her mind and she's not doing anything wrong by feeling that way. Her feelings are valid, they're real and she is clearly suffering.

You need to step up and be the dad she deserves now, or if you're unable to do this and want to send her away to other family members so you can focus on the relationship with your DP and your two younger children then you also need to accept that as she gets older she will want less to do with you. Your DP may need to move out while you focus on repairing the relationship you have with your DD by spending a lot of time with just her, without your DP present. She is feeling like she's losing/lost her Dad, she's not your priority anymore as your DP is, and she's acting out because of this. If you want to support your daughter you must prioritise her, as your child, over your girlfriend.

Orange11 · 11/02/2024 01:45

How is the relationship between you, your daughter and your girlfriend. Is your daughter now allowed in your house? Do you think the the counselling helped or did it become a choice of either your daughter or your girlfriend.