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How do you prepare and deal with it

7 replies

Bobty123 · 07/01/2023 11:53

I have twin boys close to 11 yo and have been seperated from their mother around 6/7 years. I have them 3 weekends in a month and they spend the 4th with their mum, and I also have them on a Tuesday after school till 8pm when I take them home.

i’ve always thought of it as the normal thing to happen as the children grow up and when they get to a certain age/point they would want to start spending less time at the ‘2nd house’ and more at their ‘home’ wether it be because they have more friends by their mothers house so their friends can come round or go out to play or because they have certain things at the mums house they wanna do / play so they wouldn’t want to come to mine as much.

At their mums house they have their own bedrooms, she spoils them beyond belief and lets them do pretty much what they want. An example being when they are off school she allows them to just stay up to ridiculous hours, I’m talking 1/2/3 in the morning doing what they want, they’ve told me on a few occasions they do an ‘all nighter’ whereas at mine they have to share a bedroom and have a set bedtime, yes it’s a little later when they’re off school but never to the extreme she allows. Likewise with other stuff like sweets or fizzy drinks, I will limit the amount they are allowed and have a cut off time for fizzy drinks, whereas again she won’t.

i pretty much have rules and limits where she doesn’t so I know they feel they have it ‘easier’ at their mums and can get away with a lot more there. They both have their own bedtime routines and likes, one of my boys likes it to be dark and quiet, the other still likes a night light and having a fan on (the fan on every night I believe has stemmed from him having some bad bouts of croup and I feel it’s a mental thing where he thinks the fan will help him breathe better through the night so has become a normal thing for him) and so this especially causes a lot of moaning and arguing around bedtime. Their mum has told my lad who liked the dark and quiet that I should allow him to still sleep in my bed.

So I was just wondering if there’s anyone on here who’s been in a similar situation where as the children get older and toward their teens they start expressing they want to spend less time at your house at more at home so I know how I can prepare and deal with it when that time comes.

sorry, long post I know but I’m becoming more and a more worried about hearing the words ‘I don’t want to come this weekend’ thanks ☺️

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 10/01/2023 18:25

Bobty123 · 07/01/2023 11:53

I have twin boys close to 11 yo and have been seperated from their mother around 6/7 years. I have them 3 weekends in a month and they spend the 4th with their mum, and I also have them on a Tuesday after school till 8pm when I take them home.

i’ve always thought of it as the normal thing to happen as the children grow up and when they get to a certain age/point they would want to start spending less time at the ‘2nd house’ and more at their ‘home’ wether it be because they have more friends by their mothers house so their friends can come round or go out to play or because they have certain things at the mums house they wanna do / play so they wouldn’t want to come to mine as much.

At their mums house they have their own bedrooms, she spoils them beyond belief and lets them do pretty much what they want. An example being when they are off school she allows them to just stay up to ridiculous hours, I’m talking 1/2/3 in the morning doing what they want, they’ve told me on a few occasions they do an ‘all nighter’ whereas at mine they have to share a bedroom and have a set bedtime, yes it’s a little later when they’re off school but never to the extreme she allows. Likewise with other stuff like sweets or fizzy drinks, I will limit the amount they are allowed and have a cut off time for fizzy drinks, whereas again she won’t.

i pretty much have rules and limits where she doesn’t so I know they feel they have it ‘easier’ at their mums and can get away with a lot more there. They both have their own bedtime routines and likes, one of my boys likes it to be dark and quiet, the other still likes a night light and having a fan on (the fan on every night I believe has stemmed from him having some bad bouts of croup and I feel it’s a mental thing where he thinks the fan will help him breathe better through the night so has become a normal thing for him) and so this especially causes a lot of moaning and arguing around bedtime. Their mum has told my lad who liked the dark and quiet that I should allow him to still sleep in my bed.

So I was just wondering if there’s anyone on here who’s been in a similar situation where as the children get older and toward their teens they start expressing they want to spend less time at your house at more at home so I know how I can prepare and deal with it when that time comes.

sorry, long post I know but I’m becoming more and a more worried about hearing the words ‘I don’t want to come this weekend’ thanks ☺️

Is there any reason why you think that they would stop wanting to come around and stay with you? Children need boundaries and spoiling them and allowing them to do whatever they want doesn't guarantee that they won't want to stay with you. I accept that they won't appreciate the need for boundaries at their young age (but probably will some day) but you're their dad and nothing can change that. I assume that they appreciate the time that you spend together and you do fun stuff. Don't forget that as they get older, you are bound to relax rules a little anyway. They won't appreciate it with their mum if she's letting them get with everything at this stage.

SpacersChoice · 10/01/2023 18:27

My teen DDs aged 16/14 visit their Dad more than ever now. Most of their childhood he only had them EOW due to work, he changed jobs around 2.5 years ago and is available more, so they go more. It’s really lovely and neither of us expected it. However we both parent in the same way so there’s no “preferred” home.

Bobty123 · 10/01/2023 20:25

Thanks for both your replies.

i guess i feel that way as it seems the norm to me for some reason, not sure why.

My boys do love coming to stay with me as we do a lot of stuff together wether it be playing games watching movies doing activities whereas they do say mum doesn’t do this or that with us, we just sit in our rooms and play/watch alone. And when they have the weekend with her I ask them ‘did you do anything on the weekend with your mum’ and it’s always no.

I think the worrying right now is a lot to do with theyre at their age where the want their own space to do their own thing and at my place they can’t really do that, and kids being kids they wind each other up and annoy each other to the point where one of them will say ‘can’t I just go to mums to be away for a bit’ and that probably is playing on my mind I guess.

OP posts:
Roseelane · 10/01/2023 20:55

I'm not sure if this is helpful but would there be a way to split their room in two with a room divider or one of those big ikea square kallax things, so they each feel more like they have their own little space?
I think spending quality time with them doing things together is really valuable and will build a solid relationship between you and them regardless of what else goes on.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 21:00

The time may come when it works better for them to come separately, so they each get one to one time. Maybe that could be a suggestion when it starts, that they each miss the occasional weekend, but the other comes anyway.

To be honest, if you make an effort with them, find things to do together, they'll likely still want to come. Where they are clashing, ask them for suggestions. Maybe one could go to bed earlier while the other stays up with you, for example, so their bedtime routines don't clash.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 21:00

Oh, and maybe a timer socket on the plug, so it cuts out once they are asleep. By agreement with them, obviously.

Voice0fReason · 10/01/2023 21:01

I don't think it helps to compare their mum's parenting with yours. You are dad, she is mum, you have different houses, different rules and different relationships. That's ok.
Being critical of how she does things isn't going to help anyone.

I would talk to them to explore any possibility of dividing their room, even with a curtain. They can be part of the solution rather than you just deciding for them.

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