Issues surrounding re-registering my daughters birth

[pablo1988]

hi all,

need some impartial opinions -

• due to a relationship breakdown, my daughter was registered without me knowing. I was not named on her birth certificate, nor do I have PR at this time. My daughter also does not have my surname, instead carries my partners married name (same surname as her other kids). Because of this, I sought legal advice to obtain PR and get our daughters birth re-registered to include my details as her father and give her my name as well as my partners (I feel this is important for our daughters identity).
• me and my partner recently began to resume our relationship, despite our issues (too many to mention!) above all, I love her, and I saw a future with her.
• with the relationship starting off again and being in a good place, I wanted to address the issue of my daughter’s birth certificate, and booked an appointment to address this. I had told her several times that I wanted this addressed ASAP, BUT she took issue with my actions, saying I was going behind her back. Because of our original breakdown, she stated she was worried what I would do being named on her certificate, like I had other motives or try to take our daughter away from her. I had said that I would seek to have my daughter half the time, at the time of the breakdown.
• because I thought we were moving forward and working towards our future together, I feel that going through court to obtain PR and re-register her birth and give her my name is not necessary, however, she does not feel the same, stating that in both cases, I will be named on our daughters certificate, and just wants to do things the right way (though, to this day, I don’t know what that means!)
• because of her insistence of doing this through court, I do not see a way forward for us as a couple - I don’t feel like partners should make each other go to court for something that would take an hour down the registry office, together. I saw it as a way we could get one of our issues. Sorted and out of the way. She feels that the relationship could and should still continue even going through the court process, but that doesn’t make sense to me at all - I feel I’m having to fight my partner to obtain PR and be named on her birth certificate as her father. Safe to say that I will go to court to get this issue resolved, but I do not see how me and my partner can move forward if that is the case.

am I crazy, or is there logic to her reasoning? I feel pretty strongly that I shouldn’t have to go to court, but I wanted impartial opinions, if anyone would grace me with their thoughts.

thanks in advance :)

Is there any suspicion on your part that you're not the baby's father, or any suggestion from the mother's actions that you are not the father?

Is that what this is about?

@ConnieTucker i read it as @Alopeciabop did.

The child has the mothers ex husband’s name. The Dad has said he’s her partner not her husband.

The reading comprehension on MN is shocking as it is supposed to have a demographic of intelligent women!

OP I can totally see why you don’t want your child having your partners exes surname as their only name at least. How old is the child now? Does the child know their surname or are they still a baby/toddler?

You partner is being totally unreasonable unless the child is a teen. Double barrelled names are common when the parents aren’t married. I work in children’s services and see multiple DC in the same family with different surnames as differently fathers, and double barrelled names.

Your partner sounds a bit flaky especially if she’s going to threaten to end your relationship over something as fundamental as this and in your position I’d go to court and get PR and request your surname be added to the birth certificate which is a very reasonable request as her ex husband is not your child’s father, without delay, in case you need to go for access rights later on.

Your insults couldnt be less imaginative. First “garbage”, then “stoopid”, then “idiot” now “drunk”…what’s next? Unhinged?🥱

This is the dadsnet section would Mumsnet be so accomodating of blatant abuse by women of the black mumsnetters section or feminism and gender section. Can't the bitter women stay off dadsnet section like men in the feminist section and non black people in black mumsnetters?

There are some obvious red flags here. A man who thinks the only suitable name for the child is his. A man who thinks it's acceptable to demand 50% contact with a newborn. A man who confirms there have been issues in the relationship but won't specify what. A man who thinks he can overrule the mother and simply re-register the child. There's nothing to suggest that he's only interested in being a good father.

If you're not going forward together (not sure where u are at the minute), one would assume she will be seeking maintenance from you - are you happy to do this for the next 18 years?

It all sounds really messy.

Why of course? That’s a massive generalisation and assumption
My DHs 12 siblings share four different surnames as product of several marriages and/or partners.
Its actually more common for half-siblings to have different surnames than the same surname.

But it is her surname.

It isn't her original surname, but it is now her surname. Factually and clearly.

My DS changed his surname by deed poll. Its not his original surname but it "factually and clearly" his surname.

What in the name of holy hell are you on about? WTF has an entitled, butthurt man whingeing coz he can't get his own way, got to do with 'black mumsnetters?'

Way past your bedtime sweetie. Off you pop.

Except for the facts that the mother wants the exact same things- why are they not red flags for her too? Then adding additional facts that the OP wants to raise his daughter as a full coparent and is obviously wanting to pay child maintenance by being added to the BC.

If he were a feckless sperm donor who didn’t give two shits, he’d be overjoyed he is not on the BC.

@WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie
The patriarchy is strong in you if you seriously think that a husbands surname is unequivocally his wife’s surname. 🤨

You clearly haven't spent any time on Black Mumsnetters or FWR if you think that. FWR is fucking bombarded with arseholes constantly. Some even have pet names we've given them.

Anyway it looks like OP has plopped and buggered off. Possibly to the 99% of the internet that is by men for men. So he won't have to listen to the mean women any more.

I see reasoning isn't your strong point ducky.

I don't think he's a feckless sperm donor. I think there's an element of control. The two things aren't even remotely related.

Anyone with any knowledge of abusive men would appreciate what's potentially going on here.

PurpleButterflyWings

What in the name of holy hell are you on about? WTF has an entitled, butthurt man whingeing coz he can't get his own way, got to do with 'black mumsnetters?'
*
Way past your bedtime sweetie. Off you pop. *

If you think a man concerned that he has been denied Parental responsibility for his child is 'butthurt man whingeing coz he can't get his own way' Then you need to go to reading comprehension school and take a couple of family law courses to understand the importance of both parents having PR... before you also pop off to bed and give your brain a little rest .

I’d say get your name on the birth certificate… but I don’t see anyone (even a judge) changing the child’s name. I can understand why the mum would want her children all to have the same surname she has. She obviously has no intention of ever changing her name.

I think this relationship is doomed though.

Its not control to want the parental responsibility you are entitled to. If anyone is being controlling it’s the mother by saying one thing but forcing the OP to go through the courts to actually get what he is entitled to. That’s a clear control tactic known as abuse of the justice system.

I also didn’t even know there was a dadsnet section. This has popped up in trending.

WTF has an entitled, butthurt man whingeing coz he can't get his own way,

I think this is an awful way to speak about the op. He came on dadsnet to ask advice. He wants his name on his child's birth certificate. That's an entirely reasonable thing for any parent to want, regardless of the state of their relationship with the other parent. He'd also like her to have his surname included as a double-barrelled name. Also not unreasonable.
His concern is that his partner is making him go through a court process rather than a simple form-filling exercise. He thinks that shows a lack of investment in their relationship from her side. (I think she's got trust issues about them splitting up again.)
But I just don't see any entitlement or whingeing. Just a guy looking for opinions on what's going on and advice on how he should proceed.

It's her surname because she has chosen for it to be.

Yes that decision may well be based on the patriarchal tradition, but it is now her name.

In fact, claiming it isn't her name because its her ex husbands is more patriarchal imo, like it was only ever on loan to her whilst she was married.

No. As a woman I disagree. You can’t go into having a baby with someone saying “well you’ll probably be a shit dad and leave so you don’t deserve to be treated as an equal in this.”

also what about same sex relationships? Does the same rule apply?

Honestly it’s insane how much some women hate men. and for the record, I have had awful experiences with men - but I don’t tar everyone with the same brush. How can you?!

and I’m never going to believe that any woman would be cool with their kid being given their partner’s ex wife’s surname. because that is laughable.

The OP clearly didn’t care about keeping her maiden name and took her first husband’s name. It was her choice to take the name BECAUSE she was marrying HIM. The name is absolutely linked to the HIM. She he and their kids all have HIS name because they were a family together. And now the new baby also has HIS surname. So no I do not buy that OP should be totally cool with his kid having that surname. I mean are you seriously trying to say you’d be cool with that?

by your logic, you might as well not bother trying to have the man involved at all because they’re crap and you’re going to be left holding the baby.

You might like the idea that the man is just a satellite to your mothership but you quite literally COULD NOT have a baby without a man. He is half that baby. And you pushed it out? Well yeah Mother Nature gave us the short straw on that. But you use it as currency to get your partner to make you cups of tea, or do the worst of the nappy changes. You don’t use it to cut a guy out of their baby’s life before they’ve even proven themselves to deserve that.

Oh yes, you are quite right a woman once married should not only take her husbands name but keep it like a brand once they’ve divorced. Once his, always his, isn’t that the case?

Its all very 18th century isn’t it? Once the property of a man, always his property and the woman must keep his name even if cast off by him and his name is still given to any products of your womb, because that’s still his property is it not? After all you were bought and paid for?

So not patriarchal isn’t it?

I can see why Dadsnet isn't a very frequented corner of this website.

This guy didn't stand a chance. He wants his name on the BC, he wants PR and to play s full part in the child's life, and he'd prefer that his child didn't just have his partners ex's surname. I'm not sure what's so unreasonable about any of that.

YABU

It is much more important for your daughter to have the same surname as her siblings and mother than it is to have your name. She can know you are her father and have a thriving and positive relationship with you, without needing your name.

50:50 care between two households is not usually in the best interests of the child. It can be the right solution in rare circumstances but a lot of children find it really upsetting to not have one "main" home and to never quite feel "grounded". Pushing for that is a selfish act.

Your relationship with your daughter's mother is clearly doomed, and the longer you pursue it, the more messy and traumatic the eventual breakup will be. You would be doing your child a massive favour if you could step back, stop pursuing the relationship and just learn to interact as co-parenting adults who respect one another but do not want to be in a relationship with eachother, and who put their child's needs first.

But I just don't see any entitlement or whingeing. Just a guy looking for opinions on what's going on and advice on how he should proceed.

Exactly. This place embarrasses me sometimes.