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How do you know if you want kids?

7 replies

OCDan1 · 21/10/2022 13:47

I apologise if this topic has already come up.

I have recently split with my partner of 4+ years due to our differences in having kids. She wants them, and traditionally I always said I didn't, but realistically I don't know.
We've been apart now for around 7 weeks, me living back at my parents and her in the house we shared together with our dog.

I can't stop thinking about her. I know I love her and our dog. Now, because it's the only scenario that allows me to be back with her, I keep picturing our life together with a kid. This doesn't scare me. I picture all the cool stuff me and a little mini-me would get to do together. I also pictured things like disturbed nights from a crying baby and getting pooped and peed on and I don't really care about it.

I'm working with a counsellor to deal with anxiety as well as this and this in part led to our breakup as I've had a lot happening in my life. I was studying for a PhD I hated which I ultimately withdrew from, and at the same time I am dealing with some physical and mental health issues. This meant my life is far too unstable to consider having kids even when she's not pressuring me for them immediately. Now we've split and I've left my PhD, these instabilities are slowly relaxing.

I'm just trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is normal. Have any of you experienced similar feelings of not wanting kids but later realised you do? or had one by accident and then realised you really like it?
Or on the contrary, did anyone think they wanted kids but has really hated it?

I've become a person who seeks a lot of reassurance. I guess I'm trying to figure out if I'm trying to process all of this in the right way. I'm trying my best to not let my emotions blind me.

It's a hard question, but help me make my decision? I currently feel like I've made a huge mistake breaking up.

OP posts:
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wowfan873 · 30/10/2022 10:08

It might not be a good idea to have a baby as a condition of getting back together (there are for example long hard nights of sleeplessness where you might end up resenting the decision!).

But in general I wasn't really sure I wanted children until I had one, and now it's clearly something I was born to do; it's completely enriching and rewarding and I love it. The problem is that you can't really know - having children changes you and you're not quite the same person afterwards. I found this article really helpful in thinking about it lapaul.org/papers/transformative-experiences-rp.pdf - though it's very academic in approach.

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stevetaylor20 · 08/11/2022 02:13

Not a good idea to have a child unless you really really want to.

If you're happy to simply go along with it then do it knowing the risks of what can happen if you're not happy in the relationship with a child. You may well be very happy. For sure you should never get married if you're having a child not 100% set on having, as it could have severe implications down the line (like I enjoy lol).

You should think very carefully before deciding. About what life you want as once you go down that route there's no turning back :)

I wouldn't rule it out but honestly mate, if you like her that much maybe talk to a therapist or 1 or 2 sessions. I did with my ex, I didn't get back with her but what I was impressed with was how they ask very good questions to bring the answer out. I wouldn't discount it if you're a man's man, with a beard lol it actually was good and I'm normally negative on those things.

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Somerandombloke · 08/11/2022 15:32

I always wanted children, something deep inside me, but I know many men don't.

Many only have them to keep their partner happy.

My kids, and now grand kids, are the best thing in my life by a country mile.

Don't underestimate how hard the first few years are, it's a very different life. At least most men can escape to work for a rest, last thing I wanted was extended maternity leave.

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GingerFadir · 13/12/2022 19:49

I have, what i like to refere to as, a SURPRISE child. The caps are intentional.

So before the arrival of said child, the thought of being a parent had barely crossed my mind. Was more than comfortable being the weird (I'm autistic), but fun uncle. (There is no shrug emoji and that is annoying 😂)

That said... he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i include finding a career that accepts (puts up with) my ideosyncracies and rampant weirdness in that. 😅

I learn new things everyday, and week, about myself with him, and his growth/ development into a person is one of the most awesome things i have ever witnessed or experienced.

I missed out on the first few months of his life due to the circumstances of his conception but, beyond that, i have learned that poo is easy to deal with... vomit is less so. Fatigue is not nearly as daunting as people like to make out, though i don't reccomend driving when super tired... voice of experience there.

I would not reccomend having children as a way to mend a relationship. I know couples that tried it and now the children are either stuck in the middle of a loveless angry marriage or get caught in the periphery of their parents arguments and emotional "trauma" (quite hesitant to use thaty word but my brain is not providing an alternative), or both. The other issue is the child/ren being used as emotional footballs by either parent.

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ACynicalDad · 10/01/2023 00:27

Babies are more likely to destroy a weak marriage than strengthen it. Not all kids wake in the night, ours slept through almost immediately.

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Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 10/01/2023 00:54

I can honestly say having children is the best thing I have ever done. There can be a lot of hard work involved but they are a million percent worth it. Me & my partner were together for 15 years before we had our little girl who is now 4, and we also have a 1 year old boy. My only regret I'd not having them sooner. It's hard to describe the amazement I feel when I look at them, we are totally blessed.

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yourjustnotfunny · 10/01/2023 12:03

I can't remember if I wanted kids or not when I first met my wife , it was a long time ago.I do remember joking when in my twenties that I wanted alot of kids with former girlfriends though.
It was really tough and really was a strain on my marriage, I remember one occasion in particular when I thought I couldn't go on being married but my mother said get of your arse and get back to your wife.Teenage troubles with my first definitely pulled us back together and I think we are mostly happy now they are in their twenties.
I still remember my first one emerging a mop of black hair ,the others I can't,probably knackered, but I think all in all it was definitely worth it.They are great kids ,they are all working but they still need money so helps to be earning😉.

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