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How to tell my ex

29 replies

Bobty123 · 16/09/2022 19:03

I’ve been separated from kids mother about 6 years now and I’ve been seeing my new partner for 8 months. We can both see a really great future together and want to move to the next step which would be introducing my twin boys (10) we’ve been happy with how it’s going and neither of us have pushed for this to happen but we feel it’s the right time to introduce.

i know the kids mum will not be happy, she’s always been of the opinion I should never introduce our kids to anyone new and I should keep my romantic life separate from our children, meaning when I don’t have the kids only then can I see and spend time with my new partner and when I have the kids no one else should be there.

i don’t agree with this thinking and as said I want to introduce my new partner to my children so we can start spending small amounts of time together to build a relationship between them. Again, we are both happy to take it slowly with small meetings and activities together and we’ve both said she will be a new friend that I’ve been spending some time with and want them to meet and to start, nothing physical around them I.E kissing or hugging.

how should I go about telling my ex this? She isn’t a talker face to face as she will scream and shout and probably become abuse (happened when we were together) so the only way I can think of is to send a message letting her know I have been seeing someone for a while now and it’s going really good and I can see a good future together and want the kids to meet her as a friend of mine. I will let her know beforehand when it will happen and what we will be doing, if she wanted to know this info, as I want to be as open as possible to her as I know everyone is different when it comes to new partners being introduced to their children.

any advice?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 16/09/2022 19:04

Sounds like a reasonable plan.

IncompleteSenten · 16/09/2022 19:05

Meant to ask - does she follow these same 'rules' herself?

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 19:09

My first bit of advice is put your hard hat on, there is a weird selection of MN that feel you shouldn’t introduce a new partner unless you have been together for AT LEAST 12 months.

Your idea seems considered, and you don’t sound like you’re intending on framing this as a new ‘family’ situation. You might get the whole “I’m not ALLOWING my children around someone I’ve never MET” response, but if it’s your contact time it’s up to you who they spend time with.

Take it slowly as you seem to intend to, and prepare for a reaction. Best of luck.

Bobty123 · 16/09/2022 19:13

As I mentioned, she’s always had this opinion that our private lives should always be kept separate from our lives with our kids. Meaning she would only have time with a new partner whenever she spend have the kids and vice versa.

i work full time as does my partner but sometimes different shift patterns and I have my kids every weekend for 6 weekends and then they have 1 weekend with their mum to allow me to have my own free time. I also have them 1 day in the week after school. Kids mother on the other hand doesn’t work and hasn’t since they’ve been born. So the time that me and my new partner do have is limited occasionally.

This isn’t to say we want to introduce the kids just so then we can get more time together, we are happy with the time we get and it also allows us to have our own time and she’s also fully aware and acceptant that when I do have my children, majority of my time is devoted to them. Introducing is just, we feel, the next step in our relationship.

OP posts:
AlmostOver22 · 16/09/2022 19:14

My only advice would be don’t lie to your kids and say she’s a special friend. Introduce her as what she is - your partner. It’s a big deal and the kids may catch on that you’re lying and they’ll certainly realise they were lied to when you eventually come clean.

discuss with your ex well in advance of it happening. Give her a chance to get her head around it/air her objections etc. Make compromises if you can so that everyone is comfortable.

tell the kids that you have a girlfriend before they meet her. They’ll also need time to get their heads round it.

But still don’t kiss and hug etc at the beginning.

Itsnevertheend · 16/09/2022 19:20

so basically you can never have a partner/family etc with anyone else … I feel for you. I’m a step mum and I met my partners son prob after a couple of months. Obv nothing happened infront of him but if your serious about your partner then there’s absolutely no reason to not introduce them. Maybe speak to them first and ask them if they want to meet your friend as you like her and would love there approval. My step son has turned 11 this year. Your children aren’t babies and deserve to be involved.

perhaps tell your ex about your partner and say you want your children to meet her and would be nice if your ex does as well so there’s tension etc and you could all meet at the park or something neutral ground …

Bobty123 · 16/09/2022 19:20

I completely understand everyone has their own opinions of the ‘correct’ amount of time a relationship should be going before introducing anyone but everyone’s relationship and everyone as human is different. It’s not to say I’m right or they’re right, that’s why it’s opinion. And I will always listen to anyones opinion.

definitely wouldn’t be framing it as ‘this is our new family’ and ‘this is your new mum’ … they have 1 mum and I will always push that. And I’ve always said that to the kids mum whenever this conversation had been brought up in the past.

to me, she isn’t the type of person who would want to meet my new partner before introducing but I would have no problem if she did want to. likewise I have always told her, if she had ever found someone who she had been with and could see a future that I would have no problem with her introducing him to the kids, if the kids were happy and weren’t complaining about the new partner and seemed happy with everything then here’s no issue for me. Personally I would want to meet the guy and get to know him also as he would be a big figure in my children’s life.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/09/2022 19:23

At 10 they'll see through the "special friend" so I'd just be honest with them from the off.

I also think you need to do it from an informing perspective rather than a seeking permission perspective with your ex and I would be going out of my way to give all details it were me either. Time frames etc are none of her business. You have decided, as a grown adult, that it's time to introduce your partner to your children. The details beyond that are none of your exes business.

Itsnevertheend · 16/09/2022 19:24

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/09/2022 19:23

At 10 they'll see through the "special friend" so I'd just be honest with them from the off.

I also think you need to do it from an informing perspective rather than a seeking permission perspective with your ex and I would be going out of my way to give all details it were me either. Time frames etc are none of her business. You have decided, as a grown adult, that it's time to introduce your partner to your children. The details beyond that are none of your exes business.

Agree ! Don’t ask, just tell her . Do you even need to tell her ? Maybe just ask your children if they would like to meet your partner, even for a coffee and a park walk.

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 19:27

Oh lord don’t fall foul of “the interview”. You ex doesn’t get to meet/grill her as a condition. I had someone try this, in the end after much hysteria I agreed to a phone call but have never set eyes on her otherwise.

Flumpymc · 16/09/2022 19:29

Don't introduce as a friend. Kids aren't daft.

Bobty123 · 16/09/2022 19:32

Apologies, I am going to let her know from an informative standpoint rather than a seeking permission standpoint. I’m fully aware what I do in my time and what I do while I have the kids with me is my choice.

I’m doing it more as a courtesy to let her know as their mother that it WILL be happening, not asking her if it can happen.

thanks for the points about introducing as a ‘friend’ rather than a partner :)

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 19:35

Good luck OP, MN gets a real bashing for not being helpful to men but I’ve been delighted on this thread to see lots of good, solid advice.

Nightynightnight · 16/09/2022 19:39

You don't have to ask her, but you should let her know that it's going to happen. The best way for the children to be ok is if she demonstrates that it is ok for them to be ok. Children this age often need parental approval to accept a new partner. Let her know you are happy to talk about when and how the meeting happens so that she can prepare herself to answer questions or support the children when they come home. If she becomes abusive disengage and formalise your contact arrangements.

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/09/2022 19:49

6 yrs and she's still dictating.

Bobty123 · 21/10/2022 18:01

Well… update… a month later from the post and I told her I was in a relationship with a new partner and wanted to introduce to the children and go out on the weekend to go pumpkin picking and then back home to carve them (fun interactive activity for all of us) aaand as expected all hell broke loose.

started calling my new partner all names slg slt cnt … anything you can think of she probably said it.

i left and said I am more than happy to TALK to her about it but I won’t argue with her.

me and my partner aren’t stupid and are happy to take the introductions slow and over time so maybe a couple hours a day over weekend do some stuff together and no staying over for a while but the mum straight away demanded that ‘the new b
tch will never stay over’ and that one of our kids must sleep in my bed with me (he’s 10)

so yeah, it went as expected but as much as she will try to make demands and cause trouble and friction we won’t allow it to ruin anything…. Wish us luck 😂

OP posts:
RFPO77 · 21/10/2022 18:04

Sorry haven't read whole thread but why do you need to tell your ex anything? It's between you and the kids, she doesn't get a say who you introduce and when. If it feels right go for it 🤷

AlmostOver22 · 21/10/2022 19:20

I think given the fact that your ex doesn’t sound like a reasonable person you would be within your rights to keep information sharing to the bare minimum. I don’t think that includes not ever telling her about this new gf however because otherwise she’d have found out from the kids and they’d have been put in an upsetting situation if she got angry in front of them, so you’ve done the right thing. You definitely don’t have to give her much if any information moving forwards though. She sounds abusive and very controlling.

Bobty123 · 22/10/2022 09:06

So I just wanted to go about introducing new partner to my kids in what I thought was the right way and to me that was letting her know beforehand that this would happen. Clearly it didn’t matter as to her I should never be introducing anyone into their lives.

OP posts:
Bobty123 · 22/10/2022 09:07

She definitely isn’t a reasonable person and I definitely won’t be sharing any information going forward.

i tried to go about it in reasonable way but clearly it doesn’t matter to her. She’s already started with the bring them home now, and you’re not seeing them again texts.

woke up to over 150+ messages on my phone 🤦🏻‍♂️

OP posts:
ChakaKhanfan · 22/10/2022 09:12

Good lord, sorry you are experiencing this.
hope you can find a way to navigate this without the children feeling hurt.
All the best OP

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2022 16:36

That's unacceptable.
You need to go straight to court on this. She cannot use the children as a weapon. She needs to care more about them than that.

SandyY2K · 30/10/2022 01:53

Your Ex sounds unhinged.

She’s already started with the bring them home now, and you’re not seeing them again texts.

Do you have parental responsibility for them?. Are you on their birth certificates? If so, she cannot withhold them.

Don't talk to her about it anymore.
Hopefully your involved with their schooling enough that the school knows who you are... they you're on the contact list and could pick them up from school if she attempted to stop you seeing them.

Bobty123 · 31/10/2022 12:05

Yes I’m on birth certificates.

and that’s exactly what I’ve said to her. I told her I wanted to be respectful towards her and let her know when they would meet and what we would be doing as I know if would probably be hard for a parent to hear of a new person coming into their childrens lives. But after the continuous bombardment of texts and threats I told her I will not let her know whenever we are going out, whenever she will be at the house, I tried to be respectful towards her by letting her know of a new person in the childrens lives, now I wont be letting her know anything.

OP posts:
justusandmoo · 06/11/2022 08:04

Hold your ground OP. Stay calm and polite about it but unemotional. You did everything right but her emotions are getting the better of her atm. I know it's tempting but don't start playing her petty games.

It is ridiculous after 6 years tbh but it sounds like you are handling it well.

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