Struggling with knowing I won’t see my child every day

[pablo1988]

Hi all,

I'm a new father and im no longer with the mother of my child - we do currently get on, really well, however, it had been a really difficult break up and I ended up missing out on the whole of my child growing and being able to support her in the way I wanted to.

Because we are no longer together, I know that it’s going to be likely that I won’t be able to see her as much as I would want, and especially as she is a newborn, it’s likely that I won’t have time with her, without the mother being present (which I totally understand the reasons for, being she’s so small and her mother is her primary carer).

does anyone (dads or mums) have any advice about how to co-parent newborns? It’s such an odd situation to be in (and I’m aware I’ve been quite vague with the details!) but I just feel broken and sad that I don’t get to see my daughter physically every day! How do I get through this?

How old is your child and what attempts have you made to secure time with her?

What happened to end the relationship? Is there any chance that both of you are willing to put the hard work in to try and repair your relationship? Do you think that might be possible?

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I can’t imagine what that must be like.

Would it be possible to live together just until the baby is a little older, that way you can see her everyday and help your ex partner overnight too with nappies etc

For newborns and young child its important that contact is short but regular as they child gets older you can start increasing the time and decreasing the frequency to make it more manageable for eveyone. Contact doesnt have to be physical either, its never too young to start reading bed time stories over face time etc and getting the baby used to your voice. Its lovely that you get on at the moment but if its still fresh its probably best you maintain boundaries, dont have contact at her house but at a neutral place or take baby for a walk around the park etc whilst the weather is good if you live too far away to go back to yours. Mum is going to be shattered dealing with sleepless nights and may not always react rationally - sleep deprivation is a nightmare and the hardest part of being a single parent. Financial support is also important dont fight her on it, go through the CSM to find out a reasonable amount and then pay it, you can always start a bank account or SIPP with any extra money you want to pay towards your child if you really dont want to give it to the mum.

I think its probably best that overnights dont start until 4 - 5 years old and the court were happy to agree in my case, in fact my DD didnt enjoy sleeping out until she was 10. So my ex and I were flexible he dropped her off every evening if she didnt want to sleep and picked her up again in the morning for the nights she was supposed to stay.

As the child gets older, make sure you support their hobbies, lots of children in split families miss out as mum/dad wont take them to sports training and birthday parties etc.

You can coparent successfully, although its hard not to see your child every day actually it works out well. Both parents have chance for a real break, you can do chores without it eating into the quality time to the child and both parents actually have to look after the child and actively parent.

Thanks for all the replies -

• child is literally 2 days old - not enough time has passed to see how things will pan out, but I'm just struggling with not being able to be with her physically. this is my first child, and it's not something I'm going to get to experience again. I'm just sad about it all and don't know how to cope with it.
• What happened between us was horrible - both took it's toll. I can't go into to much detail, but essentially she and her children were in danger from her ex husband who physically assaulted her whilst pregnant with my child, and I tried to do everything I could to get them away from him, we moved to another area where things took its toll and we've not been together since. at the time, I felt that not being together and doing what was best for our daughter was the best thing, but I didn't have the bond that I felt when I first held her. I didn't understand what she was trying to say when pleading with me to work it out for her, but I couldn't and wouldn't listen. Because of how things were with us, we ended up not speaking for long periods of time, and her ex is now around to support their kids. She told me that he turned out to be the person she needed, when I felt that person should've been me, but I felt he was always the barrier. If there was any possibility of trying over again fro the beginning as much as possible, I would, because I'm really struggling with being away from my girl.
• The possibility of living together wouldn't be an option, and because of everything we went through, she doesn't want to disrupt her other children, which I get, but this obviously comes at the expense of my time with my child.
• The ex is likely to be spending more time with my child than I will, and that is the hardest pill to swallow.
• We do get on, and we have talked at length about it, but just holding my girl when she arrived and now being sat by myself only hearing about how she is with the odd picture hurts. I don't want to rock the boat by pushing my desire to see my child because I know she needs to recover, but I just wanted to be the one that helps and spend time with my child, but, and I do understand her point, she said that she just wants to be able to proceed as it will be down the line. Again, I get it, but I just feel that our situation is so unique, that there is no 'normal' way to deal with this. I just feel at her mercy a bit.

I guess that this is my fault, and i just wanted to see if there was anyone who has been through anything similar, because i'm feeling like I'm the only one!

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it!

My adult nephew was in a similar situation and very much wanted to support the mother and see his child. He developed a routine of going to her flat every evening and caring for his son for a couple of hours. The mum appreciated a break at that time of day and it was mutually beneficial. He took the baby out at weekends and to see his own family.

Eventually this was formalised in a custody agreement and he, and his new wife, have the little boy every weekend and they take him on holiday. The only small problem they have is that the mum will phone him when she’s run short of nappies etc and expects him to drop everything and help her out immediately. Overall,though, with goodwill on both sides, it can work out well.

So she split up with an abusive ex who she had to flee, then had a baby with you and now is back with the ex? That sounds horrible, and so difficult for you. I don’t have any good advice I’m afraid, I’d just push to be able to visit and see her at home as much as possible so you can build a bond with her. I’d also look into safeguarding procedures at this point - your baby is living with a man who attacked her mother when she was pregnant. That means (I hate to say this) your child could be at risk. Abusive men are more likely to target the child in the household who isn’t their own.

I agree with PP. My main concern would be the abusive ex being in contact with the baby. That is a safeguarding risk. Were the police involved when she was assaulted?

Regarding contact, it's unlikely you'll be able to see her daily but that doesn't mean you can't build a relationship with her.

I would get some legal advice.

Sounds like a crappy situation, if you don't get anywhere with arranging contact directly with your ex then I'd seek legal advice. As a newborn it's unlikely you'd get overnights to start with especially if mum is breastfeeding, but you will have access and be able to build up a relationship with the child (easier if you formalise contact).

I'd be concerned about the baby being around an abusive man as well but I'm not sure what you can do about that, I'm sure someone can advise. Not quite the same as DS was a bit older (but still a baby) when we split, it was quite tricky to arrange something that worked for all of us- including DS- but it did get a bit easier as time went on. They now have a fantastic relationship, as does DS with my husband.

Awful . I can't see things ending well for your little girl . An abusive partner will not take lightly to another man's child .
What a stupid woman is her mother to go back to an abuser .

Is she back with her ex? If not I still don’t understand why you split up

I think the problem that is really getting the better of me is that I don't want to go down the court route and jeopardise our co-parenting relationship as I don't want our daughter to be exposed to any of the issues we have as parents. I want her to see that her parents get on and do things in her best interests because we are able to and should provide that for her. Obviously, if it so happens that the ex is around my child because she decided to properly get back together with him (it's difficult because their share kids), then I will seek legal advice for that, but she has all but forgiven him for everything that he's done because he's been able to be the person she needed when I wasn't able to be there - she is likely to say to social services that, yes, it did happen, but this is the reason for it and I don't have concerns about him any more. Police were involved when he assaulted her, however, so I don't know if that would change anything.

I totally understand not having overnights, I know that this is a crucial time for our daughter, and I'm so willing to work with her to identify and agree times when I can spend time with my daughter, but it just seems unfair that it has to be all on her terms. Maybe I'm naive to think that I would have any say in that. To be fair to her, her conversation has been open with me, and we are still talking, so I'm hoping that thrend continues.

It's just such a minefield, and I'm sorry if you aren't able to understand everything, it's hard to articulate every single nuance this situation contains!

I really appreciate all the responses and time you have all spent trying to help me out, THANK YOU :

Also, visiting her at home isn't an option - she does not want her kids to be around me as she says it wouldn't be fair on them or our daughter to have me be there because it wouldn't be normal going forward, whatever that means. I can't argue her point as it will again jeopardise our working relationship!

I would get legal advice, I can't imagine a violent man treating someone else's child well.

Whilst of course it's better to get on well with the other parent, you need to focus on your child and no one else is going to be looking out for you so you have to do that for yourself. It's not like court usually is where someone is in trouble, it's to formalise and negotiate what will work- it can be best for all parties tbh.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

What an awful situation to be in though. You have to put your baby’s safety first. If the ex assaulted your baby’s mother whilst pregnant, and police were involved then I’d hope that social services are already involved, but I don’t know if that is automatic. Social services won’t just take her word for it that’s he’s changed.

I’d suggest ringing NSPCC for proper advice regarding the risk to your baby from the ex.