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If my computer were my kettle...

11 replies

UnquietDad · 22/01/2008 11:51

It would:

  • require the handle, spout, lid, jug and plug to be bought as separate items, each of which becomes obsolete at different times between 2 and 5 years from day of purchase.

  • only work with one kind of water in it, and only if the water was put into it in a certain way.

  • only be suitable for making EITHER tea OR coffee, not both.

  • say "attempting to connect" when you turn it on.

  • stop when the water is almost boiled and send it back to stone-cold again, giving you a message which said: "WATER failed to BOIL. Please check defibrillator sprocket and secondary vector valve then re-initialise."


  • come up with a message on the side saying "could not BOIL: Configuration Error no.46438383747a".

  • require the water to be emptied and the handle, spout, lid, jug and plug each to be separately tested before proceeding.

  • be incapable of being mended by a Normal Human Being With Screwdriver, and instead require the intervention of either a) helpdesk person with incomprehensible accent or b) spotty 20something oik with personal hygiene issues muttering technobabble about megabyte filling modems and the STMP-water-ometer being jiggered and the heating element warp drive needing re-configuring.

  • need to be scanned every week in case someone had poisoned the water, sabotaged the element or introduced jam into the plug-socket.

  • suddenly be incapable of being switched off, and be busy belching steam into the room while you frantically look around for the 4000-page manual.

So, why is the most advanced and expensive item in my house also the most useless, the most high-maintenance and the one which breaks the most often?
OP posts:
BigGitDad · 22/01/2008 12:00

Having problems with the PC then UQD?

EricL · 22/01/2008 12:45

I have a love/hate relationship with the damn things too.

It takes years of experience to know how to work one properly - i think they expect everyone has a computer degree when you buy one.

I still am amazed how i managed to work one years ago with all the knowledge i have now of them.

I had one crash on me years ago and had a PC expert come in to fix it and the list of things i wasn't doing was horrendous.

I was annoyed that i had got myself into the mess by not knowing how to do some basic maintainence on it.

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UnquietDad · 22/01/2008 13:18

I'm all right with little things. If it was a car I'd be OK topping up the oil and so on, but serious rattling noises would have me running to the nearest garage.

It's making funny chugging "turning-over" noises today.

OP posts:
EricL · 22/01/2008 14:52

Yeah - was talking to others earlier about them introducing more practical things into schools such as cookery, cv writing, basic DIY and the like.

I would also like to see basic vehicle fixing skills as well - as most of us end up with one and have no idea how it works.....

BigGitDad · 22/01/2008 16:09

But cars are becoming so much more complex today, that is why less and less local gararges are unable to carry servicing etc of the newer cars since they are unable to obtain the software in order to carry out such maintenance. it's a rip off if you ask me and is an abuse of trade.
Anyway that is why basic car care might not be much use. You want to try and change the rear light bulb on my Passat, it's a nightmare you have to take out a whole panel whilst having double jointed wrists.
No wonder when I see a car that is twenty or so years old I look in wonder when the bonnet is up, the engines are so simple.(Boring old git emoticom)

harleyd · 22/01/2008 16:10

oh hark at you lot

men just dont have a clue

EricL · 23/01/2008 00:29

Yeah - i suppose so. On my recent cars you lift the hood to see the engine and there isn't anything to see anymore - it's all encased.

I wish they would add some fake shiny important-looking pastic tubes or something for me to look at.

What pissed me off is when we found a private dealer who changed Audi bulbs for free in five minutes. That's right - never even charged for the bulb.

Going through the big Audi dealer would take me two weeks for an 'appointment' and an hours wait whilst they arsed around and charged me £50 for parts and labour.

They have the damn cheek to chirp about the 'Free Coffee' they give you while you are slumped in boredom in the waiting area.


Daddster · 24/01/2008 11:17

Quote from "Tomorrow Never Dies" where the press-baron villain Elliot Carver enquires of his minions before a multi-screen wall:

Elliot Carver: Mr. Jones, are we ready to release our new software?
Jones: Yes, sir. As requested, it's full of bugs, which means people will be forced to upgrade for years.
Elliot Carver: Outstanding.

Threadie · 24/01/2008 11:20

But on the other hand if your computer were your kettle you would be able to download a cup of skinny latte from Starbucks, or have your favourite Mumsnetter CAT you a cup of tea.

Daddster · 24/01/2008 14:41

Eric - ever thought about joining a car share club like City Car Club or Streetcar.

Better if you live in the Smoke than the Sticks however...

Jeremyll33 · 09/02/2008 00:49

I am now Mondeo Man. i took the car to the local garege in the German town ehere I live and luckily the boss there owns a Mondeo otherwise he said he wouldnt have a clue.

Back in the day - we're talking 1995-1997 - I owned a Lada Niva 1700 which I used to go desert camping with in Saudi Arabia. Before anyone smirks these were incredible cars - the instruction manuals showed how to remove brake pads, change every part and on one trip we even cleaned out the carburettor. I owned a 1970s AA Book of the Car which showed

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