7.5 year old son doesn’t want to go with his mother

[Rich1981]

Me and his mother are not together since his birth. From the age of 2.5yo he was always upset when time to go back to her came . At this moment he spends with me 4 out of 7 nights and during school breaks or summer holiday he is with me 6 out of 7. Every week when I drop him off at school on her day to pick him up after he gets upset and doesn’t want to go. Teachers are aware of this, but say they cannot do anything. I spoke to his mother about it but she refuses to acknowledge his distress. My son is asking me to pick him up on her day just to reduce time with her. I can’t watch him upset every single week . At the same time I don’t want to go there and make her start to pull or drag him causing scene . I don’t want police to come and see me as the bad guy and further use this against me. We don’t have court order, so my lawyer said it’s nothing to do with police anyway. I don’t want to go court because if they side with the mother I will get 50/50 and my son is going to be even more distressed. She is very selfish ,indifferent towards him ,depressive and immature attention seeking. Years ago she would take his toy away and just watch him upset. When I addressed this the next day she would call my phone and put hers on loud speaker so I can hear his screaming because she done it again. At that time I didn’t put things together and didn’t know it was done to make me upset. So yes attention seeking , causing distress in others to regulate own self esteem. Another time she would leave for work without underwear saying that she gets thrills knowing other men at work don’t know how easy it is to get access to her vagina etc. I’m actually embarrassed now saying all this. That’s my sons mother! What can I do? I’m sure if the table was turned and child didn’t want to go with father school would sort this out. Because it’s her I think everyone ignores and refuses to help. Any advice apart from going to lawyers and let myself go broke?

Are the school aware of the mothers behaviour? What do they say about it?
I would be collecting evidence of all of this, if my child was in distress I wouldn't be worried about how much it would cost me, I would only care about his well-being.
You can get free legal advice from most solicitors, might be worth starting there and see what they advise.

Go to court. It isn't 50/50 by rote.

OP the custody arrangement between you and your ex is nothing to do with his school or the teachers, so don't bring them into this. You and your ex are listed as your DS's parents and you have made this access arrangement between you, so it's nothing to do with the school.

Your ex sounds very unpleasant and like she's not a good mother at all, but the way to address this is legally. Have you ever had legal advice since your split? If the answer is no, I advise you to go and speak to a solicitor and if you have evidence of your ex's behaviour towards your DS, take it with you. The solicitor may advise you to continue as you are and not rock the boat, but equally s/he may advise you to go for full custody, which it sounds like your DS would prefer.

@purpleboy yes school is aware of my son not wanting to go with her . They simply refuse to see it . They say “ he is ok when she picks him up” . I said of course he has no choice other than go with her. I got brief legal advice and solicitor told me that I should go for mediation and court if needed. I’m so scared to go court as many men ended up with less than they had.

@zafferana yes I had some advice. Solicitor told me that I should speak with her first then mediation and court . Nothing concrete, it’s difficult when father wants something I guess.

@zafferana I don’t have evidence. He is not physically abused. Emotional neglect or psychological abuse is hard to prove

When you had the legal advice, was your DS showing signs of distress at going home with your ex and did you tell the solicitor about your ex's previous unpleasant behaviour to your DS?

It's tricky when one DP wants to limit the access of the other DP to the DC, because sometimes one parent is seeking to abuse/control/manipulate their ex by limiting access to the DC. Solicitors and courts have to try to pick apart who is abusing whom, so evidence is key, if you have it.

DC also have the right to see and spend time with both DPs after a split and the rights of the DC come first. Unfortunately, that sometimes gives abusive DPs access to their DC, when it's not in the DC's interest at all. But young DC are easily manipulated and generally aren't good witnesses, so the whole situation is very complex and open to abuse.

@zafferana i don’t know what DC, DP is . He always shows sadness and distress. When he goes to bed the night before school he tells me how sad he is and sometimes cries , in the morning before school cries . When standing in line with other children before entering school at 8.55 doesn’t speak to other children just stands there with tears or looks down crying. I told solicitor about her behaviour before. When is summer holiday or break from school he doesn’t want to leave my house to meet his mother outside. He would hold on to furniture. I stopped dragging him out and most of the time he stayed with me until school started again. Summer holiday comes soon and I don’t know what am going to do. I don’t want to drag him outside and at the same time I can’t keep him full 6 weeks away from his mother

DC - Mumsnet abbreviation for child
DP - Mumsnet abbreviation for parent or partner, depending on context.

She sounds like an abominable mother, and with her spiteful behaviour towards her own child, feulled by jealousy, she is a disgrace to the human race and needs to sort her head out.

I can understand why you don't want to involve authorities though, its a dreadful situation I hope an agreement can be reached where your child stops suffering.

Mediation is the first answer, but also be aware that children can play wash parent off each other, is actually distressed now when he's with his mother or just doesn't want to go? If there's abuse that's of course different and you need legal help

@zafferana I read about family law issues a lot . I was on forums for dads etc. everyone there was so petrified that only advice I got was “ don’t rock the boat, be quiet, fly under the radar, don’t open can of worms “ etc
I also know that family courts don’t recognise emotional neglect, personally disorders etc. They see if child is clean and not hungry it means is all good.

@motogirl doesnt want to go and says he is sad and angry when with her. I don’t know how he is over there as I don’t go to her house. He makes remarks such as. When I grow up I won’t have to go to her house or why there’s a Mother’s Day? I don’t like my mom etc

@Irridescantshimmmer yes am simply scared of authorities. I don’t want to make this worse . I would rather defend him without courts and if she decided to go down that route then of course I will defend my case.

@motogirl I think him playing around is unlikely. He is like this towards his mother since the age of 2.5yo . I don’t think I have unnatural genius child. If that was the case he would have probably figure out how to expose her and detach from her for good

With kindness I think you are being naive about child courts and emotional abuse, they are very much aware it is as damaging as physical abuse. In what you describe I wouldn't hesitate to take it to mediation and then court if needed.

@CombatBarbie maybe u right. Am just not confident about it.

Ok. We know courts are unlikely to remove her completely. So what is my aim here? Her time with him 1 or 2 nights per week? Is that too much?

I think you've had good advice here, you really need to go down the legal route if your son doesn't want to be forced to go.

Just a note though, I understand the perception but a lot of mothers face the same problem when they have children who don't want to go to their fathers, it's not necessarily that system to biased in favour of women but that it often seems to enforce joint parental involvement even when the child hates it.

@Basilbrushgotfat exactly . Now imagine I got 50/50 and need to drag him at certain times not being able to keep him as I am now. I will be breaching court order right?

This foul excuse of a human being does not deserve to be a mother. You sound like a lovely caring dad and the kid should be with you full time. Get legal advice OP, the best you can afford. Will be expensive but worth it. Not all judges are pro-mother by default. Doesn't sound like she wants the kid anyway and you clearly do.

@Mariposista ok I will look into it. Thank you.