Advice for dad wanting to establish coparenting with difficult ex GF

[Oblongogo]

Hi, I’m trying to support a friend in a difficult situation with an ex. He has a baby with ex GF who is emotionally abusive and he would very much like to be involved in his child’s life. They don’t live together and pregnancy was unplanned.

ex GF has issues with debt, appears to be a compulsive spender. friend has been supporting them financially however ex is constantly asking for money saying it’s for the baby using emotional blackmail and he feels he can’t say no.

He’s had some advice from a solicitor re gaining court access, but I suppose I’m looking for any experiences people may have had of similar situations, what route did you take to establish a positive and manageable set up? to or any possible support networks / advice he could reach out to help navigate the situation?

Any particular reason why he's not doing the asking round and posting on websites for advice and seeking support networks.

It's his life, and his DC and he needs to be the one who finds the way through.

I know you want to help, but I think this is something on which you should stand back.

It is good that he is paying maintenance

Oh love. Don’t believe him about his crazy ex who won’t let him see his child and is only after his money (so she can spend it recklessly and not on the child).

The main thing he can do is go down the legal route. How much he pays and contact should not be linked (as frustrating as it can be).
The solicitor should be able to give him all the advice he needs and if he really wants to sort out contact and have an order in place then the only sure way to ensure it happens is by going down the legal route, even if it means a few trips to court. He also could have CM set up so his child gets exactly what they need.

He wants to fuck you.
His ex is probably completely normal

Considering this is the Dadsnet part of Mn you do wonder if the posters have the Dad's best interests at heart. But anyway, it's mediation and then court if things can't be agreed.

Will be tough with a baby with gradual visits built up in time I'd imagine. It can be done though. Can point you to a site if it helps.

I’d say that my response to the OP has her interests at heart.

She shouldn’t necessarily believe his sob story so commonly told it’s an actual cliche.

He can sort out his own child contact. Presumably he’s capable of seeing a solicitor, like most adults would if they were in this kind of situation.

But this is Dadsnet. Why are you on here?

@SoggyPaper

Read the whole post instead of the bits you only want to read. It says he's sought advice from a solicitor and they are asking for personal experiences of how things may have gone.

Don't be so cynical - not all men are liars. Just as many women are liars and it's just as likely that his ex is stopping him and using his money, as it is that he's lying.

Every single post I've seen so far on this site that suggests the woman is difficult, MN's can't believe it and the bloke is lying 🙄 I know many women who are tw*ts with their exes and use their kids as weapons unfortunately. So many man haters on here.

Yet he’s told his story and enlisted the women around him to seek information for him about why his ex is so evil.

He’s not seeking the advice himself.

The OP is not posting about themselves as a dad. Why is this IN dadsnet then?

The OP is on here after advice. Why would you be on a part of the MN site you clearly have no interest in?

Some very unhelpful responses on here. I have no experience with this; however it all sounds a bit informal and not necessarily in the long term interests of the child (who is the important person in all this). He needs to get legal advice on a formal arrangement involving contact. This current situation doesn't seem very sustainable in the long term.

@SoggyPaper

Pretty sure you're a troll.

She is a FRIEND, I have male friends. If they were going through a hard time and I had access to a platform that may be able to offer some guidance then I would help, I wouldn't say "do it yourself".

OP I don't have any personal experience but the advice I would offer is to work out through the CMS calculator what he needs to pay in maintenance. Pay this via standing order so there is a record of each payment. If the baby requires more things, he buys them rather than giving money. Regarding access he needs to keep any evidence of her

Hit post too soon...

....abuse and see the solicitor again regarding access arrangements. As PP has stated it will be minimal and gradual at the baby stage and will increase as they get older. I imagine it will be tough on all parts but worth it.

If he is genuine about having a relationship with the child he should focus on repairing his relationship with their mother. He cannot realistically expect to be part of a baby's life if he's not on reasonable terms with the child's mother, whatever he may privately think of her. And of course he should be paying the full amount of child maintenance required on the same day each month, it is the bare minimum. Any requests from her for money in addition to this should be responded to politely. Baby equipment can be quite expensive and if he wants to be part of his child's life he should be showing some commitment to the costs involved in raising a child. In many cases is a huge opportunity cost as well in terms of spare time and ability to work. If he were helpful and supportive in a consistent way there is no reason why the mother (or Court if it comes to that) would deny him access.

The very best thing he can do is pay maintenance through the official channels and seek court ordered access. This is what's best for the child. Regular income to ensure the child has enough of the things money buys and regular contact to ensure the child has 2 involved and loving parents on his team.

The rest of it is about them as ex's.

Thanks for your responses, he’s not asked me for help, I’d just like to be in a Better position to help him if he does turn to me for support. This maybe isn’t the best place for that.