New life with new partner

[user1485776181]

Been split from ExW for 4 years now...both children live with me..youngest goes to his Mums for about 3 days every 2 weeks..I have a new partner of about 3 years who wants me to move in with her and her daughter(daughter is at secondary school).She lives about 90 mins away and my Son doesn't want to move but doesn't want to live with his Mum either.He is 18 but is on the Autism spectrum.Im torn because I want a new life with my partner but I don't want to upset my kids...she has given me the ultimatum to move in or break up.....what does anyone think..

Many Thanks

I wouldn’t move in and give up your own house. How will finance’s work?
with regards to your son, why doesn’t he want to move? Depending on why affects if I’d do it or not. If it’s due to his job or educational needs I would consider staying, but if it’s just because he doesn’t want to move to another town then that’s not a good enough reason to stay imo.

She’s essentially saying choose her or your son. So I guess that’s it. If she can’t wait a few more years will your son likely become independent as an adult or will he need to live with his parents longer term?

FWIW I was with my ex for 9 years and we didn’t move in together the whole time because we didn’t want our children to have the upheaval of living with other adults or children. Kids come first, even 18 year olds.

Sorry that should be if she CAN wait a few years

Stability for your children is more important than moving in with your partner. I note that there's no suggestion that her and her daughter could move in with you.

It's pretty harsh of your partner to give you an ultimatum like that. It just seems a bit unnecessary to ask you to put your children second.

How old is the youngest one? Are they in exam years? Is a reasonable time for them to move schools?
Is your son likely to be able to leave home and live independently?
You obviously have to put your kids first, have you said you'll move in the future? Did you discuss when would be the best time?
Sorry lots of questions

I totally agree with this. Kids must come first imo. I have recently split up with my partner & my little girl & her needs come before me & getting a bf. Even if I did meet someone way in the future, my child would come first. If she didn’t want to move, we simply would not move.

Of course you put your DC first, and anyone giving me an ' ultimatum' about life style choice in what is meant to be a loving relationship would get a very short answer.

Forgot to add - I also wouldn’t take kindly to an ultimatum either.

Thank you for your replies,,I don't want to "abandon" my kids like their Mum did, she walked out and moved into a 1 bed flat so basically telling them they can't stay with her.We have already had the discussion about waiting a few years till he has completed Uni but never really got anywhere with that one hence the Ultimatum...My daughter is moving in with her boyfriend next year so she isn't an issue.
I'm really hopeful that my son will become independent in his own place sooner rather than later....my partners daughter is finishing year 9 and has been uprooted and moved to another school in her Mums previous relationship (when she was in junior school) and my partner says she doesn't want to do it again,which on one hand I understand but on the other hand I feel if she has moved for a previous relationship then why not with me....think I know the answer to that one deep down..

I agree...my children will always come first....even if it means I sacrifice happiness at the moment

If your GF can so easily dump you because she can't have her own way then you are not sacrificing anything at all. She clearly doesn"t value her relationship with you and you are having a lucky escape.

l would walk if it were me, because l refuse to be controlled and manipulated, and this is what she's doing, this is what you've got to look forward to the minute life doesn't go her way. Good luck with that.
Also the fact that she is expecting you to choose her over your son speaks volumes.
18 is a difficult enough age as it is, she can wait surely ? Especially if only 90 mins away, not like the other side of the world.
Stay as you are, would be my advice, read the step parent posts, that will be enough in itself to make you think twice, blending families at any age is an absolute minefield.

An ultimatum over your child. No chance.

How long until he does want to move or wants to move out? This could go on for years at this rate

I'm in the walk away camp. Giving ultimatums isn't healthy in a relationship and, particularly if she gets her own way, she'll probably do it again.
Talking it through, explaining how you both feel and your concerns, and probably ending up compromising is the way forward, not saying "it's my way or the high way".

If you do decide to stay, though, you need to talk to your kids about it. You're going to be imposing your decision on them, so it's important to at least acknowledge that (with them) and show that you understand.

My wife (as a child) was in a similar situation and how things affected her was never discussed. It left her feeling hard done by and like she was the one making sacrifices where nobody else was (including her SM's children) which caused a lot of resentment.

I can see your partner’s point here. These aren’t children we’re talking about. Your son is an adult and despite having autism he’s high functioning enough to apply to university. There’s no timeline for when he’ll be willing to move out - he might never move out. How long are you expecting her to wait? Honestly, as he’s 18 I’d be telling him he can either move with you or live independently.

she walked out and moved into a 1 bed flat so basically telling them they can't stay with her

Right. So affordability had nothing to do with it then 😅

More to the topic. I'd tell your GF to wait for two more years as it's disruptive to all the children involved. And tell her you don't take kindly to ultimatums.

I can see why she wouldn't disrupt her daughter going into year 10. It isn't really fair for you to question that or think she loved someone more than you because she did it before. I think her daughters needs going into options and GCSE years are more important than your 18yr olds.

I also think - your son is 18 and applying for uni, this is now the time you get to have your own life and make future plans with your gf. I also don't think your dc should dictate your relationship at that age.

But, ultimatums are really immature and shit. Fuck that. Although, we don't know the full story and whether you two had different plans and expectations when you first got together.