Unreliable in-laws

[DadAndLovingIt]

Morning all,

I have a bit of a conundrum I could do with venting about and getting some advice on.

My wife and I had a covid wedding - we were planning a big event, covid stopped it, so we decided to have a small wedding (we wanted to be married before having kids) and a big event when the pandemic was over.

My in laws were supportive of this idea at the time, we discussed (with my own parents, too) who'd be organising what (and who'd be paying for what).
But over the last month and with a month to go until the wedding, the in laws have gradually pulled out of everything they'd said they'd do (and pay for), even things we'd checked with them very recently.
This includes things like arranging a band which, if they'd told us they weren't going to do three months ago wouldn't have been such an issue, but now is a big problem. Likewise budgeting - it'd have been easier if we'd known we'd have this extra expense months ago.

This is pretty consistent with their normal behaviour. They'll promise to do things (like look after our daughter) then at the last minute come up with a lame excuse, so we were expecting some of this to happen but nothing too big. And we sat down last night and realised they're no longer contributing at all.

We've tried talking to them about this in the past and been met with a mixture of lies, gaslighting and insults. If they weren't my in laws I'd have cut them off, frankly, but obviously my wife (who recognises their behaviour) wants to still have a relationship with them.

Fortunately we're in a position to still go ahead without their financial input, but would still like some ideas about how to handle this.

What I really want to get out of it now is to let everyone know how they've let us down and that they've not helped at all, particularly as they'll probably try to take credit for things they haven't done. But I'm not a gossip and don't want to lower myself.

The best I've come up with is, in my speech, thank everyone else for their contributions then thank them for something really trivial (like turning up).

Any help would be appreciated.

That speech would be outright rude and dramatic, don’t do it. You could thank people for very specific things (eg thank you to X for the beautiful cake and to Y for the venue) and therefore leave them out completely. But not a lot of people will notice, you risk looking like the dick who ‘forgot’ to mention the in laws by the people who did, and it will still cause drama/upset. Do you want to spend your wedding day that way?

My advice? 1) Be the bigger person. 2) Adjust your expectations - it’s not their responsibility to fund your life, you know now that they don’t want to help, stop asking them for things in the future.

Thanks Smolcat,

Points taken, but for the avoidance of doubt we didn't ask them for anything - they volunteered to do/pay for things and have left us in a worse position than if they hadn't in the first place. And in my book it's really not about the money, it's about when you say you're going to do something you do have a responsibility to do it.

There’s a term for that “over promise, underdeliver” obviously there’s three other variations, and the best i guess is underpromise, overdeliver.

well at least you know where you are with them, and can protect yourself from them in the future.

I agree with the speech thing, but don’t forget you have the rest of your wedding (and the rest of your life) to let people know or not know what they have done. I would advise check with your partner how she feels.

Don't do anything.

Organise your life in future without any reliance on them, so they don't get the chance to let you down again.

You can only be responsible for your own behaviour, you can't change other people's. Trying to teach other people a lesson simply doesn't work. You can only arrange things in a way that works for you.

Don't even bother asking your wife what she wants to do, let her bring it up. Just remind her that they aren't that dependable next time you're planning something.

Thanks for the suggestions all. You're probably right about not doing anything at the wedding.

As for asking my partner. She'd have me announce it over a megaphone as people are arriving! But I thought that was going a bit too far!

I would go low contact and just not make as much as an effort. Also lower your expectations of them.

as for your speech , I wouldn’t say anything but have been at a wedding before where the groom put loads of praise on his in-laws about how kind, accepting, helpful and caring they are and rhen said to his parents, thanks for having me. End of speech!

Smile and wave and rise above it. And learn from this. Don't rely or depend on them for anything ever again. Hope you manage to get a band sorted 🤞