Disabled Carer, Sexless Relationship.

[AK1975]

Hello.

I am tearing my hair out trying to find places where I can get some advice.
I care for my partner, who has a multitude of disabilities.
Due to pain, effects of medication, and loss of libido, there hasn't been intimacy for years.
I realise it can't be helped and it is not her fault.
However, this has been forced on me and I am not dead from the waist down yet.
I have a high drive, which, apart from pathetic masturbation, has to be suppressed.

What are coping techniques in this enforced situation?
There must be thousands like me in a similar situation, who just have to suck it up, (no pun intended), and get on with it.

[Branleuse]

is your partners disability something she has always had? Have you always been her carer?
What do you want to do? Are you looking for permission to have an affair with someone or to leave?
It sounds like its really getting to you.
How long have you been in a relationship

[Hoppinggreen]

What are you hoping from here?
Permission to have an affair?

[elelel]

Coping techniques

[MissSmiley]

Divorce
Open marriage
Stay celibate
How old are you?

[dexterslockedintheshedagain]

Have you posted about this before under a different name?

[SailingNotSurfing]

Are you looking for some no strings sex? I think you're on the wrong site for that, although you never know.

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings and your needs? She may well give you her blessing to pursue another relationship as long a you continue to care for her.

[atee]

I wonder why this post received so many assumptions that you want permission to cheat?

Odd the ladies who post this sort of thing don't get that...

Anyway... Dude, exercise, get a dog, walk the dog, get a hobby, do that hobby... repeat.

That is more or less it.

Anything else will have to be a negotiation with your wife.

Best of luck

[Branleuse]

@atee

I wonder why this post received so many assumptions that you want permission to cheat?

Odd the ladies who post this sort of thing don't get that...

Anyway... Dude, exercise, get a dog, walk the dog, get a hobby, do that hobby... repeat.

That is more or less it.

Anything else will have to be a negotiation with your wife.

Best of luck

women who ask similar questions actually do get similar answers. Theres almost always a range of opinions on these sort of things, depending on how much value the person responding places on sex usually.
I notice you said partner instead of wife.
You are not obliged to be someones lifetime carer

[atee]

"women who ask similar questions actually do get similar answers."

Not that I have noticed so far... I will keep looking for those posts though.

All wives are partners...

[Runmybathforme]

I have such sympathy for you, some of the replies on here have been rather arsey. My husband had a total loss of libido due to hormone suppressing drugs . I loved him so much, and didn't want to be unfaithful, but it was awful. I yearned , not just for sex, but for the intimacy sex brings. Sorry I have nothing constructive to say, only that I'm sorry you're going through this.
Have you discussed this with your wife ?

[TomPinch]

I expect there's expert help available but I'm afraid you'd have to sell a spare kidney to pay for it. Is that an option?

[Isitsixoclockalready]

Some of the responses have been pretty off on here - not helpful at all. It must be a really hard situation to be in. My wife and I have talked about that before. I was very honest and said that I couldn't cope with the idea of no sex for the rest of my life and i certainly wouldn't expect her to remain celibate. I'd feel awful if she felt that she had to be. I can't unfortunately speak for another person though. Everyone has to make their own decision.

Please can people use the mantra that seems to be popular on a lot of other threads and 'be kind' though rather than judgey.

[GraffitiNob]

I'm a female in a sexless partnership.

It's me who is the disabled one, but my partner (who very much doesn't care for me) has encountered some challenges since we began cohabiting, which mean there's been no intimacy now for over two and a half years.

Unfortunately my conditions have been able to shut down more of my body and muscles and ligaments which haven't been used are now really painful and I strongly suspect that sex would now be very painful and awkward for me, even if he did feel like it.

I've gone through a range of emotions and self gratification just stopped being a thing, I now rarely remember I actually possess genitals.

We have recently identified what has happened and why, and he is waiting for a referral to the ADHD clinic to go through. After he opened up, I realised I knew what the problem was, because I lost my entire libido in similar circumstances years back when moving in with a former partner.

In your situation, it's hard to suggest how to move forward. But you need to talk to her. Whilst she shouldn't have to put out for someone else, neither should you have to live like a nun either. Or monk. You know.

Good luck. I hope you're both able to resolve things, whatever route it takes.

[wingscrow]

What a difficult situation to be in.

Ignore the self-righteous comments on this thread...very easy to judge when you are not the person in this situation.

Caring for someone is such a stressful thing to do and it is to your credit that you are providing your partner with all the support she needs.

It is a lot to expect from a partner: be a carer for life and have no intimacy ever again. How many of us would cope with this long term?

I suggest you have a chat with her and see how she feels about this. It could be that:

• you get her blessing to have sexual partners outside the marriage
  
• you decide that you both want to continue as you are
  
• you realise you cannot spend the rest of your life like this and you need to be honest with yourself about it.
  

You should not feel guilty if you have reached a point where you can no longer cope with the situation.

[wingscrow]

Sorry I should not have used 'marriage' in the post, it should read 'relationship' as it sounds like you might not actually be married.