Stay at home dads

[Zoda8]

Just caught up with an old ‘school dad’ friend who was talking about feeling quite isolated as a stay at home dad because he didn’t feel part of the mums’ support network and he was the only dad in his position. Got me thinking if his experience is becoming more common as workplace balances are gradually changing. Anyone (Mums or Dads) got any thoughts to share? Don’t worry if this is an old post when you see it - respond anyway. It is inevitable there will be less dad chat as there are still fewer stay at home dads.

I see quite a lot of Dads taking children to school round here but don't know if they're staying at home afterwards or off to work, sorry. There were 2 who I knew when my children were younger who were SAHDs due to a disability, but that's probably not quite the same thing.

I remember one of the school dads saying to me as my DD left the school - “Oh, I’m really going to miss you. You’re one of the only people who treats me like a normal person.” I thought that was so sad. I used to chat to him like I would to a male colleague; we weren’t close friends or anything. But it made me realise how hard he must have found it.

@HarrietSchulenberg

I see quite a lot of Dads taking children to school round here but don't know if they're staying at home afterwards or off to work, sorry. There were 2 who I knew when my children were younger who were SAHDs due to a disability, but that's probably not quite the same thing.

Thanks Harriet, I am just interested to know how the world is or isn't changing - no doubt being disabled and a stay at home dad would have it's own special challenges, but I imagine some common experiences with other stay at home dads too.

@WimpoleHat

I remember one of the school dads saying to me as my DD left the school - “Oh, I’m really going to miss you. You’re one of the only people who treats me like a normal person.” I thought that was so sad. I used to chat to him like I would to a male colleague; we weren’t close friends or anything. But it made me realise how hard he must have found it.

What a lovely story WimpoleHat! It shows how individual people can make a huge difference whatever the structural challenges thrown up by society. Well done you : )

I can't think of anyone in my social circle or work circle that is a full time stay at home Dad.

I think its still a bit taboo.

@Casper001

I can't think of anyone in my social circle or work circle that is a full time stay at home Dad.

I think its still a bit taboo.

Interesting info Casper. Do you mind me asking what region of the UK you are based in (if I am allowed to ask that)?

@Zoda8 Not well done at all on my part, really - I wish I’d spotted that he was a bit lonely and I’d have made more of an effort to suggest coffee or whatever. It really was just a case of speaking to him like I would’ve done any other bloke I knew but not that well - “Hi there, Andy - been out on your bike this weekend?” bland sort of stuff. I guess the problem was that most of the school mums didn’t quite know what to say, so avoided that sort of chat. Shame, really.

West midlands

I think reality intrudes - there will always be someone wondering if two people seem a bit close when they are opposite sex, which can’t be magicked away. I can’t see what more could be done - maybe that’s just how life is (sometimes due to nobody’s fault you find yourself on the outside of a group).

Hey.
I was a 'stay-at-home' dad for the first number of years of my daughter's life.
The reason for that was because I moved to Canada and my wife already had her job there. However, generally speaking, I do think the dynamics have changed in recent years, with more women choosing to go out to work. It's also not uncommon for both parents to be working and use daycare services for their children. Although I believe it's more beneficial for the child to have at least one parent with them throughout the day. But of course each family's situation is different.

Personally I enjoyed being a 'stay-at-home' dad. I considered it a privilege. I didn't feel isolated at all. And I would do it all over again if I could.

Thanks Nightowl Dad! I wonder if Canada is a little ahead of UK in this regard?

If you are in a city, single dad looking after children at school gate is fine for friends but if you are in a village, then no one wants to talk to you more than hello. Its the gossip. I thought i had a friend, being used to just friends as i dance a lot, and asked if she fancied a chat in the local tearoom, but she said people may gossip about it. So started 7 years stuck in a village without friends soni can have 50/50 shared care of the children. And still have no friends in village at pickup/dropoff etc.

Good afternoon! I am a 28yo married dad of 4 years. We have a 20mo daughter and I am a stay home dad. I wouldn't have it an other way. I look for to chatting with you all. How old is everyone's kids? Have a great day.

My DH is a SAHD and really enjoys it, but he doesn’t feel the need for ‘parent friends’ so whether or not he connects with others in that sense just doesn’t bother him. That helps massively otherwise he’d have very few people to connect with!

When he started (nearly 10 years ago with our eldest) he went to some stuff locally, but clearly wasn’t welcome as the only man in the room. So he just carried on, him and the kids, quite contentedly. He did get involved in things he was interested in locally, broader community stuff rather than specific children’s groups, and got quite a bit out of that.

There has been a shift though over the years. Not so much loads of SAHDs, but there are definitely more dads who work flexibly so at least one or two days a week they are taking primary care of the children, or school drop offs/pick ups, that sort of thing. Dads are still in the minority at local activities/groups, but it is much more likely for there to be a dad or two present (solo/not with their partner) compared with 10 years ago.

I did it for a few years Zoda8 (I live in Newcastle). I enjoyed it - I always found plenty to do and I never felt isolated. I took him to toddler groups and was able to chat to other parents and never felt awkward. I definitely wouldn't have swapped the experience for anything.

A really interesting range of experiences - thanks to all for sharing!

This resonates with me.

I became a SAHD (though with some part time work chucked in) not long before the pandemic when we moved to my DP's home city to be closer to family. I thought it would a doddle socially. Up in London there were a fair few SAHDs and I didn't think I'd be blazing any trails.

I was delighted when my DD came back from her new primary school on the second day with a note from the class PTA representative welcoming us to the school, telling of all the social activities there are and with an invitation to join a Whatsapp group 'for lost jumpers, help with pickups, coffee meetups etc'.

Looking forward to making some contacts in a new city, I sent an email back giving me and my DP's numbers, explaining that I was a SAHD and volunteering my services for PTA fundraising events.

A few weeks pass and I don't hear anything, which seemed a bit strange, and one night my DP says she'd been added to the WhatsApp group. Eventually the class representative comes up to me at the school gates and says she can't add me to the Whatsapp group because 'it's for mums' and since they meet for coffee sometimes 'you wouldn't be interested in that sort of thing'. She helpfully adds that I can always start my own class dads' Whatsapp group. I try to explain that since I'm new to the city I don't know any of the dads but at this point she's already moving away to talk to someone else.

After a term of my DP forwarding to me useful messages from the group whilst at work, she felt she was in with them enough to appeal over the head of the class representative to the other mums, who agreed to let me to join. But this encounter has sadly set the tone for my attempts to fend off social isolation as a SAHD and, if not actually make friends, form some sort of peer group.

Social events connected with the class are invariably labelled mums' nights or mums' meet ups. Invitations to parties and playdates for our DCs usually get sent to my DP. It's doesn't seem to make any difference how many times I'm seen at the school gates or in the park with the kids. There was just one occasion where a party invite for my DS was sent just to me and I was almost overcome, I was like 'oh thank you thank you, someone recognises what I do!'

I tired to break the mould when my DS started reception. I started a class PARENTS Whatsapp group, got mums and dads to join, and a few meetups were organised off the back of that. Chat got completely dominated by a group of 6-8 mums though and I watched in horror as the dads dropped out of the group one by one. Things eventually fell into a familiar pattern.

I'm still plugging away at it. I love spending the time with the kids and this is what's best for my family. I just wish it wasn't seen as such as oddball thing for a man to do and the potential psychological impact bothers me.

I know a few chaps who would be well suited to being a SAHD and from a social perspective I'd love to see more dads at the school gates as a counterpoint to more women in boardrooms. But at this point I'd only really recommend it to dads would enjoy their own company (and that of small children).

What an interesting (and rather sad) post Raevsky. I guess the variety of posts suggests there is no ‘one size fits all’ experience - even from class to class within the same school there may be differences based on individual personalities. I hate to say it, but it is just possible you are better off out of that particular group.