Resenting my own father following birth of my son.

[Newconfuseddad]

Long time lurker here, and the forums have been a great source of advice for our newborn. I suppose from this post I'd just like to see if anyone has gone through something similar and seek some advice.

My son (first child) was born at the end of August. He's happy healthy and doing really well, his mum and I are absolutely over the moon with him and I absolutely love being a parent.

I was so aprehensive about being a father, my own relationship with my dad has had more than it's fair share of ups and downs. We don't have a typical father son relationship as a result. Long story short him and my mother split when I was tiny following domestic violence. He treated us both like dirt for a number of years. He'd spend access days to me drinking, and that's if he turned up at all. He missed a lot of the " big moments" in my life I grew up with a lot of resentment towards him. Fast forward to my mid twenties - thirties and things got better, I never respected him in a typical "father" way but as an adult I felt he learnt to communicate with me better and understand me a bit more, it felt like he was trying.

The minute my son was born any feelings I had towards my own father evaporated. I struggled to understand how anyone could do what he did to their child. Although this will only make me a better parent, I just can't get past it. He's been around a few times and I can't even look at him for the most part.

I feel awful because that sort of negative energy should never be around my son, and I never want him to see that side of his grandfather. I just don't know how to get past it.

I think this is totally normal. I know when I had my kids I had a whole new set of emotions regarding my parents. I couldn’t understand how they could hurt me given how strongly I feel about my kids, I could never let anyone hurt them.

It’s a very hard thing to come to terms with the fact that you have a bad parent, and I think it all does come home to you when you have your own baby. Maybe speaking to someone professionally about your past/your dad might help?

But also, enjoy your new baby. You sound like a great dad and in a way you can take this as your boy is lucky to have the dad you never had.

Your feelings are totally normal. Becoming a parent changes everything, and can bring things into very sharp focus. I highly recommend you see a therapist to work through how you're feeling. You don't want this anger and negativity to impact your family.

You sound lovely ! And yes it's totally understandable, how you are feeling. I had a similar realisation when I had my children - my mother was a horrible parent, no physical abuse but constantly put me down, belittled me and humiliated me . I grew up with zero self esteem, courtesy of her.

When I became a mother, I realised just how easy it is to be a good one . For a while this made me hate my mother even more, but after a conversation with my sister one day I had a sort of epiphany. I decided that I'd move ahead, using my mother's example of "what not to do as a parent". It was almost like she was an inspiration - whatever she did to me, I did the opposite and I knew everything would work out well.

That change of heart even had a good effect on my relationship with my mother. I was able to look at her with pity instead of hate....after all, I was the lucky one, having a great life with my children instead of living with nastiness in my heart like she did.

Best wishes to you - I"m sure you'll enjoy parenthood , and your little boy is lucky to have such a caring Dad.

The fact that you are aware of your feelings here is a really good thing as sometimes they are under the surface and pop up at unexpected times. Allow yourself to grieve for that father you never had. This is a very normal reaction to your own situation. Perhaps he had no proper parenting either. But now you can break the cycle and be that strong, faithful dad to your little one.
For your own sake and your baby's sake once you have gone through the pain forgive your dad. Not because he deserves it but because unforgivelness will only harm you more than him. Remember you are a different guy who sounds like you got a lot from your mum. Draw on this going forward. Congrats on your new baby.

Really very common esp for those of us that were abused by parents

I'm a survivor of csa and when I had dd a whole mess of crap erupted!

I had one hv visit where it all came pouring out and then stressed myself out convincing myself that they'd take dd off me cos I was still in contact (by phone only) with the abusive parent (At that point)

Hv was great and also said "totally normal" and that she was used to getting such disclosures BECAUSE it was so very common (meaning abuse too sadly)

She was very supportive, kind and helpful

Talk to the hv assigned to your family or start the process of arranging counselling via gp surgery or if you can afford you could go private.

There are also charities that support adult survivors of childhood abuse and there's the "stately homes" threads on here where others who've experienced abuse support each other

Good luck to you

Your not responsible for your dads actions all you can do is focus on your son and do the best for him.

I think your feelings are normal. Since I had my ds, I have seen my parents' selfishness and neglect of myself and siblings as exactly what it was.

But dwelling on it doesn't help. I take pleasure is providing a decent upbringing for my ds and don't think about my parents any more.

Thank you all for your kind response. Really appreciate your views on this and it helps to know that unfortunately I'm not alone.

I think I do need to seek professional advice. I just want what's best for my little guy, which will of course be his dad on his A game. Posting this has been quite cathartic though, just getting in writing helps.