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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? : Does anyone other father think its morally wrong to change his daughters nappy or bath her? but not his sons??

26 replies

AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:51

my fiance has 2 children with his ex (hes a bit older than me) weve been together two years and now have a wonderful daughter. he never changed his otehr daughters nappys but changed his sons and he says he feels its morally wrong for him to change and bath our daughter as shes a girl only problem is it means its always me doing it and i get up all thru the night he never has and im worn out, any advise??

OP posts:

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DaDingDaDongDaMerrilyOnHigh · 05/12/2007 15:44

I've only got the one boy Alix, but I can't imagine I would have any problem changing a girl, especially if she was my daughter.

I don't think it necessarily means he personally thinks of her in a sexualised way, more that the moral panic over paedophiles has left a lot of men anxious of how they are perceived when it comes to children. It's a shame.

Personally I think kids should get used to seeing their parents naked for as long as they're comfortable with it, so that there's no embarrasment about bodies. He sounds very uptight - have you discussed the reasons behind his thinking?

EricL · 05/12/2007 16:15

That's ridiculous.

Almost laughable.

I have two daughters and i bath them and everything. It will just give them some kind of complex about their bodies when they are older.

Also will damage the closeness he should have with them.

Tell him to stop being so silly and get on with it.

If you can't be comfortable with your own family in your own home then there really is no hope left for us.

DaDingDaDongDaMerrilyOnHigh · 05/12/2007 16:26

Unless he's actually just a bit of a lazy arse and is using this as a get out clause of course...

DeathBySnooSnoo · 05/12/2007 16:52

i am a woman but i just wanted to say that my dh changes our 2 daughters' nappies with no problems.i dont think its ever occured to him that it would be 'wrong'.

my xp used to say it seemed wrong for him to change my dd1's nappy.i have my own theories about why that was.

so,if you two went on to have a son,would that mean that only your fiance could change and bath him and you wouldnt be allowed?

DaddsterInAPearTree · 06/12/2007 16:59

One day I'll disagree with EricL - until then...I also reckon it's important that he does it - it's part of the bonding thing (and it's only till she's 2 or 3 for heaven's sake). Otherwise the distance between father and daughter starts early. If he does have a complex and cannot overcome it, maybe a psychologist could help him out?

Blu · 06/12/2007 17:05

I am confused.
Who thinks it is morally wrong for fathers to look after their dds?

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 06/12/2007 17:06

he sounds like a nutter, tbh

Blu · 06/12/2007 17:09

sorry - was confused by my unlogged-in status and OP being at the top....Ignore my last post.

AlixLeah - your fiance is either being very lazy or he has rather peculiar - or perhaps sad and vulnerable - issues. Honestly, if he genuinely thinks it morally wrong to have contact with his dd then he has been ridiculously brainwashed by paranoia in our society, has anxieties of some kind which i couldn't speculate on, or else he doesn't trust himself.

I would try talking to him calmly about what he thinks these moral wrongs would be...and what he is worried about.

pagwatch · 06/12/2007 17:09

DH has changed and bathed all Dc's - 2 boys and 1 girl. This sounds like an excuse to get out of it to me as it just does not make any sense. Is there some background problem making him think like this. It is just a bit strange to view your daughter in those terms.

Sorry - just realised its the mens room. Should i be answering?

EricScrooge · 06/12/2007 17:35

Yeah - i would say he has some very strange issues that need adressed and not pampered too.

He will think it's ok to act like that otherwise.

EricScrooge · 06/12/2007 17:37

I enjoy the closeness and openess i have with my daughters.

My 3 year old DD pointed at my equipment the other day and called it a 'front tail'.

Very funny.

nannynick · 08/12/2007 10:22

If I took the attitude that I would only change a boy, and not a girl... I would be out of a job (I'm a nanny, not a dad).

What is the issue with men changing girls? Has your fiance told you anything other than 'morally wrong', Alix? I'd go with the 'hes a lazy arse comment', he's finding an excuse for some reason.

RubySlippers · 08/12/2007 10:25

that is appalling and ridiculous ...

nothing morally wrong about changing his daughter's nappies

what is wrong is leaving everything to his long suffering fiancee who is obviously knackered

so him this thread, and tell him to get a grip

RubySlippers · 08/12/2007 10:25

show him even ...

JacanneAbox · 08/12/2007 10:50

That's pretty ridiculous I think. DH changes nappies, smears bum cream on bits and used to bath with them both (bit of a squeeze now) and still walks around naked in front of them. He doesn't feel entirely comfortable peeing in front of them but that's because DD1 (5) gives a running commentary on what his "long bottom" is doing and it puts him off his stride a bit.

JacanneAbox · 08/12/2007 10:52

Or perhaps sad rather than ridiculous.

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 08/12/2007 11:16

Sorry I am a mother, and this is the mens room, but the title grabbed my attention.

Many years ago, before kids, my dh and I was out having drinks with another couple, the woman was a social worker. She was advocating that men should not bathe or change their daughters unless in the presence of their mother. And fathers should not co-sleep with their daughters unless the mum was also there.
I dont know what special circumstances her job brought her into contact with, but I found this extremely odd and sad. It totally baffled me.

I think you need to talk to your fiance about his views. You need to establish whether he is just lazy and using this as an excuse, or if he has some worries that needs adressing. Why did he come to this conclusion? Did his ex (I assume he has an ex as you mention he had no problems with changing sons and you and him only have a dd together) refuse him to care for his girl? Is it something related to his culture?

But I think you must not address it from the perspective of you needing help with babycare, but out of concern for him, your dd and the closeness issue. Not that you needing help with babycare is not important, but I dont think that angle is going to help him open up about his concerns.

My dh, is very reluctant to change his sons nappy, simply because he doesnt like it. So it is my job, my dh is honest about not wanting to do it. He does other things, so it is not like I am the only one doing "baby stuff". It could be as simple as your fiance not really liking to clean up poo, and not willing to admit it.
Sorry, I do go on, dont I?

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 08/12/2007 22:25

Well there's a nutty social worker. I wonder if they're still teaching them that crap.

Would have massive implications for single fathers, wouldn't it?

sweetkitty · 08/12/2007 22:33

I mentioned this thread to DP and asked his views, he said he hates changing the DDs nappy especially when they have a bad poo one and you have to erm clean inside, he hates putting cream on them as well. He says he doesn't mind wiping DD1's bum for her (she's toilet trained now) but just hates touching the whole front bottom area, says he wouldn't feel the same about a boy however.

He does do nappies and doesn't shirk out of it but says he has never felt comfortable doing it.

DeePancrisPaneven · 08/12/2007 23:20

Another daddy here - suspect he is swinging the lead a bit here...it's a bit 'mucky' but FFS just needs a couple of snesitive wipes.

Not convinced by the front-bottom wiping fears..he just sees you doing it and learns the technique, and he's away.

IsawBUMPERkissingsantaclaus · 10/12/2007 09:33

I think it is just very sad that he feels this way.

PMSL at front tail and long bottom!

Dropdeadfred · 10/12/2007 20:40

did he therefore think his ex was morally changing her son's nappies?

dgeorgea · 13/12/2007 17:08

Yikes, hope I don't upset anyone.

I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but wonder if there is a huge difference between my age and those who have posted here. I'm in my mid 40's.

I have always been involved with my daughter and enjoyed any time we have had together, whether it was reading, feeding or changing the smelliest nappys I can ever remember.

My father though was of a completely different generation. He was not expected to get involved with the day to day care of his children and was a mysterious figure we feared but whose job was to work and bring home the money.

Before he died we used to talk about things and one of the saddest conversations, to me anyway,was when we discussed our different parenting styles. It was a shock to hear him confess he envied me for the involvement I enjoyed with my daughter as it was one he felt he had been denied by what was expected of him as a father. Yes there were fathers who got involved but socially and culturally it was not the 'norm'. Most of my friends my own age have openly admitted they did not share the amount of chores I did and regretted it.

I even remember a time when I felt sorry for a lot of fathers as society was changing as were expectations of fathers. But the fathers felt unsure of their role.

I am then more then delighted that younger fathers are now feeling empowered and have the freedom to get involved with their daughters. But please remember it is culturally far more acceptable these days then it ever was. Cultural conditioning can be a hard obstacle to get past and even today I meet fathers who have similar views.

Of course it could just be an excuse.

StarofBethleCam · 13/12/2007 17:10

Yes I have some advice: tell him he's bonkers and to stop being so lazy

Wisteria · 13/12/2007 17:11

I would be worried about why he feels it is wrong. She is a child so there should be no sexual connotation involved; if there is, then he has an underlying issue which needs to be resolved.

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