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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

18 replies

Bobty123 · 22/06/2021 23:11

So I have been seperated from my kids mum for near 5 years now, after about a year I started seeing someone new and about 2 years later she moved in with me. We had agreed to have it that way to slowly integrate with children and they could get to know each other etc.

Fast forward another 2 years and we have now separated and the main issue and point for her side was that I have my kids too much and we didn’t have enough ‘alone time’

I have twin 9yo boys. I pick the children up from school every Tuesday and drop them back off home at 7pm and then I get from Friday from school and drop off them Sunday 7pm. This is agreement me and the children’s mum have it’s that way for 5 weeks and then they have a weekend with their mum.

So 5 weekends with me and then 1 with their mum. My partner want happy with this and said it was too much time with them and not enough time for us.

Baring in mind we both worked the same shift patterns and we’re both out of work at 2pm so to me we had plenty of time for us. It was about making the most of that time.

Question is, was i being selfish? Should I have found a better balance for my kids and my relationship? I’ve always felt that it didn’t matter how much I had my kids it was about us making the most of the time that we did have free. She was fully aware of the arrangements beforehand so knew it would only be 1 weekend every 6 that we had free

After the split I’ve questioned myself and thought about whether I could’ve done more to save us, but then also thought she knew the situation and knew the arrangements and was basically saying I have my kids too much and not enough time for her which I would never ever dream of saying if I got with someone who also had kids.

Opinions ?

OP posts:
Roblox01 · 25/06/2021 22:07

No. You did the right thing.

If it was a Mother it wouldn't be a consideration would it, as you mention.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 25/06/2021 22:10

No. And you and your kids have had a lucky escape, she would have worked on driving a wedge between you and them as they got older. I can pretty much guarantee it.

Roblox01 · 25/06/2021 22:12

The number of women on the MN boards talking about not dating men with kids. Right but you have yours most the time...

Orchidflower1 · 26/06/2021 15:35

Tbh I think the question is does it work for you, your ex and most importantly the children. If the answer to all of those is yes then please don’t worry. She obviously wasn’t the right person anyway.

CiaoForNiao · 26/06/2021 15:38

You put your DC first. That's exactly the right thing imo.

SamMil · 26/06/2021 15:46

You did the right thing - your kids come first Smile

RandomMess · 26/06/2021 15:57

Sounds like you have pretty much a 50:50 arrangement which is great for you and the DC. Unfortunately it wasn't what your ex wanted which is her choice.

Presumably you didn't Disney Dad and ignore her or fail to integrate her into the unit when the DC are with you?

NorthernDramaLlama · 26/06/2021 16:08

I'm swimming against the tide here, but I wouldn't have begun a relationship with you. 5 weekends in a row and then 1 without the children seems a but intense to me. I know you say both finish work early but it's different somehow and more relaxing to do couples things at the weekend.
As a single mum I'd hate my child to be away for 5 weekends on the trot. If that's your agreement and you're all happy with it, crack on :-) Just appreciate that there some women out there who wouldn't want to go along with it.

Smartiepants79 · 26/06/2021 16:18

Of course you’re not being selfish.
The situation was clear from the beginning and she still chose it.
Your priority has to be the children. It sounds like in the end the reality of living with other people’s children wasn’t what she expected it would be.
It’s totally fine to say that you wouldn’t date a person in these circumstances, it’s fine to not want to share your time with another person’s children BUT that means you keep looking til you find someone who ca. Give you what you want:
You don’t get together with them anyway and then hope his kids are going to magically disappear!
The split sounds like the best thing for all concerned.

Notaroadrunner · 26/06/2021 16:23

You're not being selfish and she wasn't being unreasonable wanting more time together without kids. You simply were not compatible as a couple so the only option was to split. You will hopefully find a partner who is happy to spend time with your kids most weekends.

AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying · 26/06/2021 16:28

You put your kids first. If they were her kids she would want you to put them first too. You will find a partner who sees this as a good thing about you OP.

However, am just wondering why 5 weekends then one with mum?

Why not every other weekend for example? Or 2 then 1?

I'd miss my kids if I didn't see them for 5 weekends.

alwayslearning789 · 26/06/2021 16:43

"After the split I’ve questioned myself and thought about whether I could’ve done more to save us, but then also thought she knew the situation and knew the arrangements..."

Did you compromise in other matters OP?

'...she knew the situation...' in my experience can be used as an excuse for everything.

I would ask, if you felt you Did make time for her in other ways?? Deep down, do you feel you gave up of yourself as much as she did for you?

Kids are Paramount, of course, but a relationship is multi faceted and even 'first' families realise that in their interactions.

Ivymundane · 26/06/2021 16:49

You did nothing wrong. However I’m surprised she decided to get with you at all being as it’s only going to be one child free weekend in 6!!! So she isn’t wrong either in her point of view and leaving you for it.

Really Your both right as you both want different things, nothing wrong with that.

pinkyredrose · 26/06/2021 16:51

You're not in the wrong but in all honesty I'd find it hard having practically every weekend child focused.

BasicDad · 09/07/2021 02:31

I'm Dad more than 50%, but split of free weekend time is important for anyone wanting a personal life.

I think you're going to struggle long term with your arrangement, and I would question if that's the only arrangement that is in the interest of your kids.

Farwest · 09/07/2021 03:35

You have dc who are with you most weekends. That is your life, and theirs. If your dp wants child-free weekends then she needs to be in a child-free relationship. That ain't you.

Your dc and your family life come first. Don't throw over your dc for anyone.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/07/2021 22:17

You're not in the wrong but in all honesty I'd find it hard having practically every weekend child focused.

I'm Dad more than 50%, but split of free weekend time is important for anyone wanting a personal life.

But this is the normal everyday life for families with children. Once you have kids, they become a crucially integral part of your life. It's nice to get some child-free time when/if you can (something that's a faint dream for many single mums), but you have to treat having children around you as the expected norm. Otherwise, you just don't have children or start a relationship with somebody who has kids in the first place.

Roblox01 · 13/07/2021 15:00

@BasicDad

I'm Dad more than 50%, but split of free weekend time is important for anyone wanting a personal life.

I think you're going to struggle long term with your arrangement, and I would question if that's the only arrangement that is in the interest of your kids.

Yeah but some Dad's can't have kids in the week or are met with a lot of resistance.
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