As a separated / divorced Dad do you have to choose between a new relationship or the kids

[Roblox01]

Just interested to hear views really from other Dad's. May also step Mom's.

I realise there are circumstances where relationships end amicably and both sides move forward with their life whether that is with a new partner or not.

However, often that isn't the case (amicable separation with children involved). In that situation do you feel like there's a choice to be made. I.e. you're going to have to consciously choose between a new relationship or the kids. Knowing if you going head first into the new relationship you're going to have to weather a storm and deal with the fallout.

I suppose I'm asking as that's how I feel after two and a half years separated. Have my own place but can't bring someone into my kids lives without a lot of drama. I read some of the mumsnet boards and I get the feeling that the drama revolves around the kids that are there every other weekend, which seems a bit odd given its a relatively short period of time.

I'm not looking at this as a Mom v Dad thing but just interested in honest opinions and experiences.

I am divorced, my DP of 8 years is divorced.

We have a great relationship and 4 children between us.

However, we decided early on not to blend and live together. My observations over the years are that is where trouble brews, trying to blend families even for seemingly short periods of time, does seem to create drama.

My dd chose to move in with myself and dp (she was meant to be at the family home that exh and I kept so not to disrupt them.) the crucial thing is acceptance of any new partner of the kids. In our case we both have older kids and no plans for joint children (too old) and this was on the table from day 2. I'm trying to get dd to move out in September she's an adult !

@hamstersarse

I am divorced, my DP of 8 years is divorced.

We have a great relationship and 4 children between us.

However, we decided early on not to blend and live together. My observations over the years are that is where trouble brews, trying to blend families even for seemingly short periods of time, does seem to create drama.

Yeah this is kind of how I could see it working. Like the only way it would work. A bit of blending but also a sanctuary both sides should space be needed (whatever the reasons). Until the kids have grown up anyway.

Whilst I think this is entirely sensible I don't get the feeling it's the normal expectation.

Bear in mind I'm coming at this from the perspective of a (former) child not a parent.

Knowing if you going head first into the new relationship you're going to have to weather a storm and deal with the fallout.

Not just you. If there is stormy weather and fallout up ahead, the kids are going to be stuck on the same path. With no choice in the matter. And fewer resources. With a lot of expectation to be "resilient" and "adaptable" when they are least equipped to be either.

You don't have to choose. You can have both just keep them very separate - particularly for a year or so.

If I as a resident parent can keep a relationship away from my DC I can't understand why a (usually) dad can't hold his relationship separate to his children.

I have never been in this situation. However, what I have learned from the world of Mumsnet is that slow and steady wins the race.

In the same way you can't just move city, go traveling, or even plan a spontaneous night out once you have children, being a parent means you can't be pressing the gas pedal on your new relationships either.

Often (but admittedly not always) you will read a thread about a problem step child or ex partner but a few posts in it emerges they were introduced after 1 month, moved in together after 1 year, married after 2 etc.

But then you also read on here about affairs that have gone on for years, proving it is possible to keep your family separate from your partner.

Obviously not suggesting starting a relationship with someone who is married. No way condoning affairs. It just shows how it is possible to maintain a relationship without getting the whole family involved.

@DumpyDonkey

You don't have to choose. You can have both just keep them very separate - particularly for a year or so.

If I as a resident parent can keep a relationship away from my DC I can't understand why a (usually) dad can't hold his relationship separate to his children.

I'd be happy and prefer to hold separate.

@NebbiaZanzare

Bear in mind I'm coming at this from the perspective of a (former) child not a parent.

Knowing if you going head first into the new relationship you're going to have to weather a storm and deal with the fallout.

Not just you. If there is stormy weather and fallout up ahead, the kids are going to be stuck on the same path. With no choice in the matter. And fewer resources. With a lot of expectation to be "resilient" and "adaptable" when they are least equipped to be either.

Yes. I've vowed to maintain my own place whilst kids grow up for this reason. So if things weren't working for whatever the reason there's an out

My children live with me and Mrs HR half the time, everyone gets on, plenty of fun.
She plays an active part in their upbringing.
Ex also lives with her partner, no issues.

Everyone is ok just really calm, when issues arise we talk about them amicably or just ignore it.
There's no need to nitpick at the ex, it serves no purpose.
No one is perfect.

However you need to find the right person.

Been split from ExW for 4 years now...both children live with me..youngest goes to his Mums for about 3 days every 2 weeks..I have a new partner of about 3 years who wants me to move in with her and her daughter(daughter is at secondary school).She lives about 90 mins away and my Son doesn't want to move but doesn't want to live with his Mum either.He is 18 but is on the Autism spectrum.Im torn because I want a new life with my partner but I don't want to upset my kids...she has given me the ultimatum to move in or break up.....what does anyone think..

Many Thanks