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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

What do people think

19 replies

DadsArmy123 · 25/05/2021 19:02

Hi,

Id appreciate some thoughts on my situation

Married father of 1 toddler. I've been a very hands on father and love my child very much. I've helped with as much as I can and do each day. I'm also trying to do our house up on my days off work and at weekends I take everyone out for activities whilst still trying to work on the house.
Tbh I'm pretty exhausted and feel burnt out.

My child can be very loud and emotional at times and I find it very hard to cope with the loudness and my wife is not affected by this so doesn't seem to care.

I told my wife many times that I don't want any more children as as much as I love my child I just find it too laborious and exhausting and don't enjoy it much (being inside for long periods) and now have so many things that fall on me both physically and finanically (house costs are all covered by me for repairs and doing up but we split the monthly bills roughly down the middle).

My wife had an iud after our child was born to prevent another pregnancy.

We haven't been physical much in the last year mainly due to sleeping in different rooms whilst the house is being worked on etc.

The other week my wife told me she was pregnant.I asked how as she has an iud.
She told me she took it out last year and did it out of love as she wanted our child to have a sibling.

To me this is incredibly unfair on me as I am having to pick up more of the things on top of everything else due to pregnancy related conditons where my wife can't do much.
I also have a hard deadline on the things I need to sort on rhe house (think whole house renovation for each room minus heating etc)

My wife will also quite happily contract people to do some jobs on the house but I am picking up the bill for which has messed my budget I was working to and topping up each month up causing more stress.

At the moment I don't know if I want to be in the relationship anymore and she will have days of not talking and ignoring me as I have shouted and said things when I get tired and burnt out.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated

OP posts:

Oreo01 · 25/05/2021 20:53

Well at best she's tricked you. That's completely wrong.

Consider the snip and see if you can work it.through.

Aqua55 · 27/05/2021 12:24

LTB

Naimee87 · 27/05/2021 12:40

It really doesn't seem like there is much respect coming from her side as she has deceived and ignored you if you did voice your opinion on having more children numerous times. Were these house renovations a joint decision? What sort of other responsibilities does she have, does she work or do you in addition to doing the renovations? Does she have any inkling you are as upset as you are and thinking of leaving? Given the house situation what exactly are your 'leaving' options or hers?

Triffid1 · 27/05/2021 12:58

I can't comment on most of this as the info is incomplete - eg you split bills but you're paying for renovations but who earns more? Is the house in joint names etc are all relevant.

But.... at the end of the day, her getting pregnant on the sly is 100% not okay. especially in a situation where you had no reason to believe you needed to take control of birth control. I am not sure how you recover from that.

SkedaddIe · 30/05/2021 07:00

Not sure if I'd recover from such an obvious and massive betrayal. But if you want to make it work it's best that you get some counselling.

And get the snip!

AyyMacarena · 30/05/2021 07:18

This sounds really tough, almost that you're a passenger on your own life and she is making the decisions.

Something as big as a pregnancy is something that should only happen when both parties are on board.

Have you spoken to her about any of this since your thread?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 30/05/2021 07:34

If the sexes were reversed it would be rape.

What do you want to do op?

Oenanthe · 30/05/2021 07:37

Wow.

I'd be starting divorce proceedings.

SkedaddIe · 30/05/2021 07:45

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

If the sexes were reversed it would be rape.

What do you want to do op?

Literally

metro.co.uk/2020/10/05/man-who-poked-holes-in-condoms-without-telling-partner-jailed-for-rape-13373324

blublub · 30/05/2021 07:49

Why don’t you take responsibility for contraception if you are that bothered by not having another child? You could get the snip or use a condom. Walking out on your family at this point would be really shitty imo. I think you both need to think as a couple rather than two individuals. It’s not your money it’s both of your money. It sounds like your wife is doing all the parenting so what do you expect her to do for money??

SkedaddIe · 30/05/2021 07:53

@blublub

He didn't get an opportunity to take responsibility.

His wife deceived him.

Can you read?

mayblossominapril · 30/05/2021 07:54

With regard to the house did all parties enter the renovation project fully aware of how long it would take? Your wife may prefer to pay tradesmen and complete the job faster and actually get on with living.
You may enjoy the renovation process and not mind living in wreck. Cleaning takes much longer for example. It’s fine doing renovations if you both know what the process is and how long it will take. I say that as a very experienced house renovator who doesn’t want to do another one because I’ve got small children. Renovations are stressful and exhausting and often the straw that breaks the camels back.
Contraception is everyone’s individual responsibility, whilst it is wrong what she did you should have used contraceptives yourself.
It doesn’t sound like a good situation and you will have to decide whether stay or go. Moving house may be an option to somewhere that doesn’t need any work

4amWitchingHour · 30/05/2021 08:15

There's a lot to unpack here. Biggest issue - it's awful that she hid that she'd come off contraception. As PP's have said, it's basically rape, as you did not consent with full knowledge.

Other things:

You not wanting more children seems to be based on your experiences of having a toddler. That's only a few years in your life - IMO that's not a good reason not to have another child, but then I don't tend to think short term. Look at the bigger picture. The bigger problem is that you and your wife have been unable to discuss this though.

The renovations - again, why are you not discussing the project and budget with your wife so she knows what she can and can't arrange? Seems like you're getting pissed off without talking to her first. You are able to afford the extra stuff she arranges though, so why is the budget an issue?

Actually going through each issue, it just seems that you two need to learn how to communicate. Not shouting and "saying things" (have you been a twat?), not ignoring each other, not hiding things, not martyring yourself with all the renovations while trying to carry on with "taking everyone out for activities" (isn't that just spending time with your family?). Actually talk and exchange your views and compromise.

Lay all the issues out on the table, with a counsellor if need be. However that's all with the caveat of if you can get over the deceptive pregnancy.

SkedaddIe · 30/05/2021 08:17

"Contraception is everyone’s individual responsibility, whilst it is wrong what she did you should have used contraceptives yourself."

Honestly that is ridiculous @mayblossominapril there should be some basic trust in a marriage otherwise what is the point. If I poked holes in my condom no sane person would tell my dw she should've been on the pill

blublub · 30/05/2021 09:17

I guess the difference is men can walk away from a pregnancy women can’t. It’s in their body. And it is about personal responsibility. I don’t want to get pregnant therefore I take steps to avoid this. But I’m more careful because it’s my body that will carry a child, not his. Yes it was a breach of trust on her part I agree. Not comparable to rape though as he clearly wanted sex!!! Just without the natural consequences.
But it sounds like they’re both just doing their own thing in a couple. Not being a couple.

custardbear · 30/05/2021 09:38

Dreadful behaviour. You're basically a sperm doner and walking wallet and she's not respecting you as a person or human being

mayblossominapril · 30/05/2021 18:05

THere are many many women who post on MN that they are pregnant because of a contraceptive failure and their partner wants them to abort. Every time they are told well if he didn’t want a baby he should have also used contraception. In this case He was tricked but the outcome is still the same.

If only one form of contraception is used there’s a chance of pregnancy. He didn’t want another child it should have been belt and braces

jimmyjammy001 · 01/06/2021 15:40

If she can do that to you then the future looks very bleak in what else she is willing to do for the sake of love, That is completely out of order and I personally would be packing my bags and leaving straight away.

Mintjulia · 09/06/2021 04:04

Lots of things here. Getting pregnant without agreement was completely inexcusable and you have every right to be upset.
But tiredness and noise are standard for being a parent. Lockdown hasn't helped but things should get better quite quickly. It's summer, you can be outside much more.

It sounds like you need to agree more things together. Has your dw bought into the budget and timescale for house renovations? Can you not get some help in to get them finished sooner? Could you agree that you have taken on too much work and alter the budget to get the work finished and ease your workload?
Also it sounds like you resent providing a home for your family. That you resent the fact that your dw isn't working full time and covering half of the mortgage as well as half the bills? If you do, then you need to talk about it. Get it out in the open and agree a five year plan. Maybe you look after the dcs so your wife could work evenings from year 2 and contribute that way. But talk about it.

As for taking people out, that's just family life. Wouldn't you want to be with them, doing that anyway?

Talk about having the snip as well. If you don't want more children get the issue resolved.

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