Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Husband not letting go/not giving it a go

15 replies

Doyadoyadoyadoya · 21/05/2021 21:28

My husband moved out of our family home 3 months ago- it was a mutual agreement after a rough couple of years together following birth of DC2. It was supposed to be a trial to reignite our marriage and was only supposed to last a month.

He is still with his parents but comes back daily to help with DCs breakfast times and bedtimes. They stay with him overnight once a week also. We have been out for a couple of meals together, had brilliant sex a couple of times during this period of time, have made plans to rekindle our marriage, but nothing has come out of it. DH seems content to come and go and behaves similarly to when he lived here when he visits us- sits on the sofa on his phone, in his own world.

I need his help with DCs as they are terrible sleepers and I'm exhausted but this half in, half out life isn't on. He agrees it isn't on and I think is waiting for me to break and beg him to come back, but I need to see positive changes first and I'm just not seeing enough.

I've tried on 2 occasions now to call it a day but he pulls out all the stops for a week and it feels like we're close to fixing things, but he then pulls away again. If I'm being honest, I find him sloppy and I struggle to feel attracted to him when he's demotivated, lethargic and disinterested in me and our family life. This is the case 60% of the time.

I feel like we're in no-mans land at the moment, but I'm in need of his practical support with DCs as I have no other support here so I can't pull the plug either.

I feel stuck. I would really appreciate a man's perspective around this as I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 21/05/2021 21:32

Well I hate to say it why would he want to change this set up. You continue to have sex, he has contact with his kids without overall responsibility. His parents likely do all the childcare when he has the DC and he is having a nice comfy existence. I am not sure why your trying to reignite your marriage to someone who spend shis existence sitting on the couch playing with his phone rather than participating in family life. Stop having sex for a start

SkedaddIe · 30/05/2021 07:10

Agree with everything @mynameisbrian said

Dancingsmile · 30/05/2021 10:11

As above said.
He is having good nights sleep, no mental work load, no workload at all. He looks great to the kids doing the fun stuff. Being looked after at his parents. Sex when he wants it.
Fair play he's living life at the moment and you're enabling it.

Aprilwasverywet · 30/05/2021 10:13

Stop having sex with him. He needs to have the dc overnight at his dps home.
You need to tell him to move his stuff there also. What a piss taker!

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 10:13

You've walked right into this one, haven't you?

He has his own life being looked after by his mum, checks in with his kids for fun times occasionally, and has great sex with you when he feels like it.

Why on earth would he want to change that?!

EL8888 · 30/05/2021 10:16

He’s got a nice little set up right now and it shows his level of laziness / selfishness. Time to sort out finances and sort out when he has contact with the children. I would make him actually take them out of the house and put some effort in, rather than him coming up see them at yours

Hellocatshome · 30/05/2021 10:20

He will be loving the current set up, he literally has no incentive to want to move make in.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/05/2021 10:28

If you separate, he'll have to pay child support and have the children eow, including overnights. Why would he do that when he has everything he wants now without any of the hard work?

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 30/05/2021 10:32

Get it over and done with and tell him it's over, he will never change. I've been in the same situation for 7 months, everyday looking for a glimmer of hope and every day having my heartbroken again. I've just decided to call it a day and wish I'd done it months ago and saved myself the heartache.

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 10:56

Is he paying you? I assume you're taking on all the costs of having the kids full time while he gets mummy to cook his dinner every night? I agree with others who say he's having a lovely time right now but why does he think this is such a good set up? Isn't he missing home life? We all know it's a ball ache but a decent man would be missing home life, not settling for this single man lifestyle while you do al the work

Lamentations · 30/05/2021 15:47

He's living the ideal life why would he give that up? I know a bloke who lives separately from his DP and two very young children and I often think 'bloody hell mate you've got it made!'

Lamentations · 30/05/2021 15:50

Also he's shown you twice now how long he is capable of maintaining some effort for. Don't be a fool.

WinterSunglasses · 30/05/2021 15:53

Book a holiday - even if it's just somewhere in a cheap UK hotel or at a friend's house - and say he'll need to take over childcare for a week.

WinterSunglasses · 30/05/2021 16:01

Sorry, and also say that when you get back you should have a talk about child support, and arrangements for him having them more often so you can make plans yourself. You need to start sketching out a future with more of the work of parenting in it for him, and more going out and having fun with other people for you.

Hummingbirdblue · 30/05/2021 16:03

You need to call it a day and make sure he has the DC 50/50.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread