Leaving ex-partner

[Jonnywishbone]

Last year I agreed to split up with my ex-partner (after 6 years of bitterness). I agreed to stay on the mortgage because she couldnt afford it on paper and we had a plan for her to have two lodgers to help pay the mortgage. I agreed to buy another house (which needed planning permission and renovation work) and then move out.
During lockdown I wasnt able to go out and focussed on work and we very occasionally had sex (I mean like once every two months), we dont hug, we dont kiss, so I thought it was clear that it was "functional" (to use a crappy phrase) rather than romantic. Due to having the lodgers here I have stayed in the same bedroom (though there is a spare one I use as an office at the moment).

Whilst I havent argued with her, she has got it into her head that the new house will be an investment rather than a home. I could have been cold and bitter for months but simply dont have the energy and dont want to live in an environment like that.

So now, I am a few weeks away from having the new home in a livable condition, lockdown is finishing, she has the lodgers to pay the mortgage. However how I do get her head back into the place it was last year and how do I get my 7 year old son to accept that his Dad will not be living there? I dont really want to have bitter rows but I also dont want to shock her and for her to have my son in tears because his Dad isnt there.

Do I leave gradually? Staying at the other place for gradually longer periods of time, using the excuse of staying there to do work on it?
Is that the best approach?

Maybe stop using her for sex every couple of months

@TaraR2020

Maybe stop using her for sex every couple of months

I don't approach her for it. She approaches me. I suppose it would have been easier to turn her down or ignore it.

It doesn't matter who initiates it, you're still using her for sex - talk about mixed messages.

You sound contemptuous of her.

However how I do get her head back into the place it was last year

1. stop having sex with her
2. talk to her, nicely and reasonably. Own you've given her mixed messages, be accountable for your actions, but tell her that it's over and you are moving on.
3. if/when she gets upset, don't shout or swear

I'm not contemptuous of her, she is a great mom, she has lots of great qualities.

1 isn't difficult to do as it isn't exactly a constant issue but I do get your point. 2 and 3 sound right.

Thanks.

I agree the sex isn’t wise, people are also failing to point out that she is using him for sex.

You need to agree to a sensible timeline together and show a united front with your son so he understands you are moving out, knows which days he stays at your house etc.

@simonjt I did consider that, but only briefly because from the op's posts it sounds as if she thinks they have rekindled their relationship.

Op, apologies if I have misinterpreted your attitude towards her, I didn't get the mot overwhelming sense of respect for her feelings from your post but I appreciate I may have misunderstood.

Wish all three of you the best of luck in moving forward.