Ayy thoughts

[Antn]

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

[TokyoSushi]

I think that your first responsibility is to your son, I can only imagine if that's how your wife feels towards him, then he likely feels that too.

It sounds like it would be a difficult split, but unless your wife is willing to change her behaviour then that might be what has to happen.

[MobyDicksTinyCanoe]

You put your son first.
Your wife is an adult for goodness sake, you're prioritising her feelings over seeing your own child. How do you think this makes him feel? And how will you feel in 20 years when your wife's done such a good job of not allowing him to be a part of the family that he doesnt want anything to do with you.

There's no coming back from treating a child like this, I'd leave. And file for divorce then put the effort you've been making with her children into your own son.

[UhtredRagnarson]

Jesus she’s being utterly vile. You need to leave and never let your son be made to feel like this again!

[willowtree81]

If there's any way you could get couple counselling I'd highly recommend it.

I would say she sounds like she's really mean to your son though, I think that's really not ok, I hope she's nice to his face. I feel bad for him.

[Antn]

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

You put your son first.
Your wife is an adult for goodness sake, you're prioritising her feelings over seeing your own child. How do you think this makes him feel? And how will you feel in 20 years when your wife's done such a good job of not allowing him to be a part of the family that he doesnt want anything to do with you.

There's no coming back from treating a child like this, I'd leave. And file for divorce then put the effort you've been making with her children into your own son.

This is why i wanted to post to get some perspective, thankyou.
It's quite funny as i posted this in the mumsnet side and was told that it's my fault for pandering to my ex and my wife is right.

All it does is confirm my belief that I have 2 women in my life who i obviously cannot stand up too. I am a peacekeeper but it doesn't work.

thanks for the reply.

[Antn]

@willowtree81

If there's any way you could get couple counselling I'd highly recommend it.

I would say she sounds like she's really mean to your son though, I think that's really not ok, I hope she's nice to his face. I feel bad for him.

Se hasn't been mean to his face. God no. She just doesn't really engage with him. Which i've noticed more and more as he has got older. He is a frustration to her, and i know he has to pick up on that.

We are doing couples counselling, but nothing seems to change

[MobyDicksTinyCanoe]

Op, I'm sure your ex wife is a pain in the arse but she's probably also quite rightly picking up on and frustrated over the fact you aren't being much of a dad right now.

Take it from an old fogie who had adult kids...... You have roughly 4 years of your son wanting to be with his dad. Because very soon friends become more and more important. If your home isn't a welcoming place to be he'll start voting with his feet. And before you know it you're on the outside looking in and your son will have built his own life which you just don't feature in that much. I've honestly seen it happen time and time again.
Tread very, very carefully and prioritise the important.... And that isn't a bitter woman and two kids that aren't yours.

[stout01]

This isn't uncommon from what you read on MN. You need to prioritise your son mate. It's a shame but it's not your fault your wife isn't more reasonable.

[Snowball70]

your Child always comes first, you did the right thing for him 🌺

[Monty27]

Your ds might be worried about you and your ex is getting pissed off because she knows dam well your DP isn't good for him.
Poor DS.