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20 replies

John5 · 17/02/2021 02:50

My girlfriend is a German citizen and 7 months pregnant. I’m in the British military and I live in the uk. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride over the pregnancy. She doesn’t like me being in the military and says”if you don’t leave to move to Germany then You will not see you son”.

This put a lot of pressure on me because I have 2 mortgages. I have managed to calm her a bit by getting a successful career intermission application authorised from work for 1 year. This still concerns me because I don’t get paid for the 1 sabbatical. I will be in Germany supporting my son and paying for 2 mortgages back in the uk whilst living off savings.
She says that I should sell one of my houses and that I’m being selfish I’m not doing so.
I don’t know how to feel, maybe I am be selfish?

To add to my worries she has started talking and visiting her ex back in Germany, she now says that she doesn’t want me at the birth and that her ex is going instead.

She keeps on talking about a plans she has made and how much I should pay in child support.

There are many other issues, but that’s a brief outline of our situation.

She says that I would have to pay child support, around €370,which I’m more then happy to do if we don’t figure things out.
But now she said that she is also entitled to a further €800 for her self to cover the money that she would be paid if she could work.
She said that our child is also entitled to half my house.
It probably sounds like she is just after Money, but she has never been like this during our relationship. We always go half’s on things.

I would like to know what rights I have over my son?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 17/02/2021 02:57

Where will your son be born and live?

The maintenance issue depends on if UK and Germany have reciprocal rights and it'll likely be based on what you earn in which country and their laws.

I'm based in N America and DS's dad pays child maintenance based on the UK figures as that's where he lives and REMO covers the two countries. But if you decide not to pay and don't live in Germany it's hard to really enforce it. I'm not sure about access and custody - you may need to take that through a German court too, it can be very difficult.

Rtmhwales · 17/02/2021 02:59

But her maternity leave is for her to cover with whatever Germany offers or social allowances. Mine was definitely not funded by British XH.

Tinkity · 17/02/2021 03:09

To add to my worries she has started talking and visiting her ex back in Germany, she now says that she doesn’t want me at the birth and that her ex is going instead.

Wanting her ex at the birth is very strange, are you sure you’re the father? I’d request a paternity test if I was you.

John5 · 17/02/2021 03:28

Our son will be born and live in Germany. I’m trying to convince her to move to the uk as I can support us comfortable here.
But I understand that moving country sounds worrying to her. I’m hoping that this year I have in Germany with her will calm her a bit.

OP posts:
John5 · 17/02/2021 03:30

Yes she is getting paid from her work on top of support from the state now. The German welfare system seems better than what we have here in the uk.

OP posts:
kittehmoma · 17/02/2021 03:33

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John5 · 17/02/2021 03:35

I believe that I am the father and I don’t think that she has any romantic connection with her ex.
I think it’s hard for her being alone and she is going to her ex for the active attention that I can not give over the phone.

Im confused,I don’t know what is acceptable or wrong behaviour, i just want to support her and not add to the stress that she is going through during pregnancy.

OP posts:
StocksAndScares · 17/02/2021 03:35

If I was you, I'd get a DNA test ASAP.

StocksAndScares · 17/02/2021 03:36

Out of interest, has the relationship always been long distance? I.e. you in the uk and her in Germany?

John5 · 17/02/2021 03:39

Kittehmoma, that’s okay to voice your opinion.
I believe my son has rights to see his dad.

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John5 · 17/02/2021 03:41

She was studying in the uk for 3 months when we first met. She went back to Germany in January 2019 and it has been long distance ever since.

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yvanka · 17/02/2021 03:50

What was your long term plan with her? Was she going to move to the UK eventually or you to Germany?

John5 · 17/02/2021 03:57

During our first year of our relationship we planned on her moving to England after she gets her degree, she speaks fluent English and has already studied/worked here, so the transition would be relatively easy. Over time her mind changed and since the pregnancy she doesn’t want to be here at all.

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John5 · 17/02/2021 04:03

I have no option but to go to Germany to be with her and my boy. But I can not help to worry about my finances with my mortgage back in the uk. I support my dad, he is in my house but I would have to get him out so I can rent my house out to pay for it’s mortgage.

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yvanka · 17/02/2021 04:11

What she said about you paying her €800 a month and your son owning half your house is bollocks. Sorry but she sounds like a grabby nightmare, she's already using your son to control you and he's not even born yet. It will only get worse if you move to Germany.

I would cancel your sabbatical and just visit the baby when you can, if she refuses to let you then don't pay the child support. As you're in different countries she can't do anything.

John5 · 17/02/2021 04:27

I’m tempted to seek legal advice on what she said about my house and the €800.

I would give similar advice to my friend if he was in this situation, but my advice would not fit with my emotion want, which it ultimately to be there for my son.
I’m trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:
yvanka · 17/02/2021 04:38

If you do go to Germany there's a high chance that she'll just keep moving the goalpoasts. It will always be "do x y and z or you can't see your son". Conceding to her demands is a waste of your money, time and sanity.

FrippEnos · 17/02/2021 18:19

Another here for a DNA test.

She seems quite controlling to me and really don't see any positives in this for you.

Re the houses, you are not married, and as long as they are in your name she has no claim. (nor does the child).

SkedaddIe · 20/02/2021 11:20

Get a paternity test. Make sure that you put aside money for the child pending the result.

And I think you should take a sabbatical, spending time with your newborn is invaluable and will be worth the struggle.

blue30 · 21/02/2021 10:58

I agree with what someone said above if you give in to her demands now she will forever be moving the goalposts keeping you dangling and chasing. It will be a shitty life and she’ll never give you what you want.

Sadly I don’t see any good options ahead but chasing her will be the worst. Try and stand firm, be fair, she’ll make you into the bad guy so make sure your heads right for that, remember it’s her making happiness impossible. Wanting her ex at the birth? Ffs.

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