Am I a bad dad?

[Vuaruhara]

So I need some advise, I'm a new dad, starting 26th January 2021, so I understand that my fiancé has been through a lot and still is during and after her pregnancy, because of covid I haven't been able to attend 90% of her midwife appointments so she's been feeling lonely and I understand that, when it comes to the baby she will breastfeed and sometimes change him and I will also change him and we don't want him to be bottle fed, my fiancé says that she has other hobby etc she loves but any time and attention and money she gets will go to him, I on the other hand love him just as much but I still want to be able to do the hobbies I enjoy and occasionally spend money on myself instead, while I'm awake I will do most things, make lunch, go to the shop, go get a drink for her, even stuff like grabbing a Muslin cloth that's inches from reach for her so she can rest and heal, however during early morning I really struggle to get myself up, ill wake up, fall asleep seconds later unable to help my fiancé by grabbing stuff for her or changing the baby as she struggles too, I ask her if I fall back asleep to wake me up over and over until I get up to help but am told she shouldn't have to keep waking me up and that I should do things without her having to ask despite all the things I do for her during the day when i am awake, I think this is because she feels lazy having to ask me... Does any of this sound like I am a bad dad or fiancé? And does anyone have any advise for me? Thank you

You sound a good dad in the main, but a bad dad in the morning. You need a sleep rota, and no she shouldn’t have to wake you or ask you, google the mental load.

Organise a rota where you are on duty during the day/evening/morning and you only wake her to feed baby. She gets a lie in, so do you 50% shared.

As for hobbies, you both need to be adults as well as parents so nothing wrong with that, if she doesn’t want to that’s fine but keep checking in and seeing if she feels like she needs a break/something for her. And if you can afford it buy stuff for her that her “mum guilt” won’t let her spend on herself. Little treats are sometimes big things.

You're not helping her if she has to keep trying to wake you up - you're just an extra person she has to take care of and parent. While your baby is so tiny, you need to put hobbies on hold if she needs help.

All of the above, sleep rota works well. Also, don't worry about hobbies and stuff right now - sleep and looking after your baby will be pretty much all for the next couple of months! This is the hardest and craziest of times as a couple and you just need to keep talking, respect each other and get through it! Congratulations on your new arrival.

Yeah I think a sleep rota is a good idea - you really shouldn’t both have to get up to the baby every time. That is a 1 person job. But every time can’t be her. You both need sleep. We worked out early on that I am a raging arse in the first 2 hours I am asleep - and also rarely remember it the next day, and my partner is the same between 4-6am, so they used to take the first half of the night and I would take the second. We didn’t figure this out straight away though. So go easy on yourselves. Especially about things said in the middle of the night.

I ask her if I fall back asleep to wake me up over and over until I get up to help

Dude, seriously? She's got one baby, she doesn't need another. Wake up when your family needs you. You have a baby that's less than three weeks old and you want to make sure you get to spend money on yourself and do hobbies. You're in country right now. Sack up.

Who is on leave? Paternity/maternity? Anyone working? Going back to work soon?

It sounds like you need to grow up a bit, you shouldn't need woke up again and again. Your partner has just given birth and is focusing all her efforts on the baby. She does need support, it's tough having your first baby.

It's too early to be worrying about hobbies etc yet. Neither of you have time for that now. Having a newborn is exhausting and the days on maternity leave are long, she'll need you home when you're not working for a little while yet.

When things have settled, it is absolutely important that you both get time away from work and parenting. Your wife will feel the need in time. It's important that this time is roughly equal, and that you book in with each other - no just assuming you can go out on Friday and just swanning off like you did pre children.

Similarly with money, yes of course you should both get some discretionary spends, but obviously household bills, baby stuff, childcare etc come first. I've seen too many posts on here where childcare, toys, clothes for the children come solely out of the mother's income which obviously isn't correct.

Yes, Google the mental load and get the fuck up when you're needed.

One adult should not have to repeatedly tell another adult to get up.

Sounds like you're a great dad. During the day take the babycare duties as your own. Have breast milk in the fridge and feed your child while DM gets proper sleep and respite. It's joined up parenting.
And congratulations 💐💐

You're saying she's lazy because she won't repeatedly wake you up?!

Get a grip!

@Russell19

You're saying she's lazy because she won't repeatedly wake you up?!

Get a grip!

You misunderstood! I don't think she's lazy in the slightest in fact I want her to be able to rest as much as possible, she is the one who thinks she is lazy because she has to ask me to do things, but because she's very I dependant it makes her upset to ask me to do things for her

Not a bad Dad. But you have to solve this waking up thing.

She wants to roll over and go back to sleep too. Guess what - SHE CAN'T because someone has to be awake looking after the baby, and you're showing her that you are not willing to do that.

If you have a disorder or something that means you can't wake up, then you need to find a monumental, huge way to even the workload and the 'thought' load (that means you own the task, you don't wait to be told). Take on some other household tasks so completely that she doesn't need to think about them whatsoever.

If you don't have a sleep disorder then do literally whatever it takes to do your part getting up early or in the night. Keep a thermos of ice water by the bed to splash on your face if necessary.

As for waiting to be told what to do, that's almost as bad as not doing it. It means the responsibility is back on her. She still has to think about what needs doing. Google 'mental load' to understand that a bit better.

You do not sound like a bad Dad or partner. After all, you are on here asking for advice and wanting to do better.

@Margotshypotheticaldog

One adult should not have to repeatedly tell another adult to get up.

You're right but every person has their own different problems, I work early morning until late after noon, sometimes I work all day early mornings to late evenings borh weekends almost every week, so I just happen to struggle with sleep rather than other things

You're right I shouldn't need to be woken up over and over, hence why I also asked for advise, I work early morning until late after noon, sometimes I work all day early mornings to late evenings borh weekends almost every week, so I just happen to struggle with sleep rather than other things and I do try to support her as much as I can, I grab stuff that's next to her so she doesn't have to lean over, I get her water, I cook everyday, I do every single bit of housework, I feed our animals and clean them out it every day, because I know I can't support her say with breastfeeding as my partner doesn't want to express or bottle feed, so I try to help in other ways that I can so she can rest

You’re just going to have to get proactive. Work out something with waking. Do you wake in the night with the baby at all? I could count on one hand the amount my husband woke when mine were babies 🤨 as I was bf too, he didn’t need to wake, but would’ve been nice if he woke in the morning to assist and get me a mug of tea/drink. Then at the weekend helped more when he wasn’t working.
The hobbies thing can wait, it’s early doors wrt thinking about hobbies just yet. Get the basics sorted first.

You should both get equal amounts of personal spending money and personal leisure time. Once your baby is a little older, for every block of time you want to spend on your hobby, you need to schedule a block of time for your fiancé to get to relax while you take the role of parent on point.

Right now with the baby not even 2 weeks old, that amount of leisure time is zero. A new mother can’t even truly relax while she goes to the bathroom or takes a shower because she never knows when the baby might start crying again.

@MindyStClaire

It's too early to be worrying about hobbies etc yet. Neither of you have time for that now. Having a newborn is exhausting and the days on maternity leave are long, she'll need you home when you're not working for a little while yet.

When things have settled, it is absolutely important that you both get time away from work and parenting. Your wife will feel the need in time. It's important that this time is roughly equal, and that you book in with each other - no just assuming you can go out on Friday and just swanning off like you did pre children.

Similarly with money, yes of course you should both get some discretionary spends, but obviously household bills, baby stuff, childcare etc come first. I've seen too many posts on here where childcare, toys, clothes for the children come solely out of the mother's income which obviously isn't correct.

Yes, Google the mental load and get the fuck up when you're needed.

Oh no I cometely agree, I will still be buying baby stuff no doubt, but both me and my partner with the money we earn set a little aside for ourselves a week ontop of the spend for the baby and bills etc so we do have money we can save if we want to do things like a hobby, my partner herself would just prefer to spend it all on the baby whereas yes I still would like to spend some on the baby but I would also like to treat myself sometimes too, when I say hobby I mean like a couple to few hours a week at an absolute max during the babies sleep, obviously the hobby comes after my sleeping issue has been sorted out, I don't plan on it until after

During the early days, my husband felt like he couldn't help with the baby, so he focused on housework and cleaning so I didn't have to. The thing is, what I really needed, was for him to take the baby for an hour when he got in from work. I just needed a break from holding and comforting him

I work early morning until late after noon, sometimes I work all day early mornings to late evenings borh weekends almost every week, so I just happen to struggle with sleep rather than other things

Do you not think that looking after a baby all day every day, learning to breastfeed and recovering from pregnancy and birth might be quite tiring too?

It does sound like you do a lot, you're doing all the cooking, cleaning and housework plus animals.

It also sounds like the sleep and waking up thing is really important to her.

You have to try and understand how truly infuriating it can be when you're forced awake and into responsibility by a baby and your partner gets the option to just drift off back into that blissful state of sleep that you are utterly desperate for. It can drive a person to the brink of insanity and breed terrible resentment.

Maybe try and talk some more about how she thinks you can make up for your lack of ability to wake up. She may be able to find a compromise that feels fair to both.