Things I have learned since becoming a parent...

[Daddster]

it's OK for your DK to eat crayon,
if you read 12 parenting books, you will get 13 conflicting opinions,
the people who make "wipe-clean only" teddy bears are certifiably insane,
you should not leave the house with a toddler without: potty, change of clothes (pants, trousers and shirt at least), sunhat, sun cream, raincoat, beaker, snacks, pushchair, raincover, mobile phone, favourite toy (safely secured to pushchair, of course), cosytoes, book, cash, patience, sense of humour (unless you're doing something special in which case the list continues)...
people who ask you to fold up your push-chair on buses are uttlerly unaware of the above,
it doesn't matter if your house looks like a bomb-site in the evening - no-one's coming to visit you anyway,
there are about 50 different forms of crying which you will be able to identify (e.g. hurt, bored, trying-to-get attention etc.) by the time your DK is 2 years old,
a parenting book is like a menu - you choose what you like and ignore the bits you don't,
shameless manipulation is the essence of being a good parent,
the best way to heal an injury is to point out something of interest or suggest there is an imminent possibility of chocolate,
you will rapidly cease to give a shit whether anyone else thinks your style of parenting is screwing up your child's future,
you realise there was no point buying parenting books new as you don't keep them for more than a couple of weeks,
you become so tired that a full night's sleep feels like a week's holiday,
if your DKs have a SAHM, a full-time working dad is a luxurious, but very much optional, extra as far as your DKs are concerned,
whatever routine you think your DW has established for the DKs, it will have changed by the next time you look after them for the day,
parenting books are written by people in order to make money, not to tell you a good way to bring up your children,
you probably need to resign yourself to being mediocre at pretty much everything else in order to be a remotely good parent.

lol my dd means more to me than anyone and always comes first

lying in bed past 7.00am is for people who don't have kids

there are a surprising number of restaurants that have plastic glasses, cutlery and surfaces that wipe down

there are more than channels on the Virgin Media kids part of the TV guide than there are in the sport section

the CBeebies and Milkshake schedules*

never to use a word like 'chocolate' or 'milk' in your kid's presence unless you have it on your person and intend to give it to them in the next nano-second

that strange smell on the bus is you, your kid or the manky bear that follows them everywhere

despite your best efforts you will inevitably end up using phrases like "well if you fall over it's your own lookout"

you will end up using the same words as your kid in public which in any other context would make you look sectionable, e.g. "look honey, there's a meow"

that family life depends on a level of bargaining and trade-offs between all parties that would make Machiavelli weep in despair

• why for the love of God do they screw around with these schedules at the weekends! I'd like the bloody programme controller for Channel 5 round my house on a Saturday morning and have them try telling DS that Peppa Pig isn't on as usual because it's a weekend and see how much fun THEY have...

"whatever routine you think your DW has established for the DKs, it will have changed by the next time you look after them for the day"
I think DH would smile at this one
I am surprised, however, Daddster that you appear to have opened some parenting books. DH just says in moments of desperation "Well what do your books say?". I know I'm the one that buys them, but as if that would provide an answer?!

I forgot a couple:

the best way of keeping kids happy is to keep their mum happy,

you will cease to be nauseated by the smell of poo,

you will discover uses for wet-wipes you never even dreamed of...