Not getting enough baby time

[bylesb]

Hi,

My partner has just had our newborn baby which i’m so happy about. However since coming home from hospital the mother of my child will try to avoid me holding our baby, carry out feedings and avoid showing me how to change the nappy. During the nights our bundle of joy will be restless in which my partner will comfort the baby but she can’t do this 24/7 and will need rest. I offer to help but she just refuses and says it won’t make a difference.

I want to help out as much as possible and learn the ropes as she’s had experience of looking after a newborn but i’m not given the chance. I don’t want to start forcing the situation and causing stress for the baby.

I’m now starting to feel so uncomfortable around my baby and feel less of a father as each day passes.

Am i just overthinking or over reacting?

Thanks

How new is the baby? The first couple of weeks can definitely be like this. Is she breastfeeding? Does she allow you any time ie maybe holding/wiping the baby’s face to clean off milk etc? Is she worried that if you are holding the baby she’ll be expected to do something else rather than just sit and watch? . Is this each of yours first child or does she have other kids ?

You're not overthinking or overreacting. But neither is your dw, it's very normal to feel anxious. Nothing comes close to how precious your newborn is!

This is your perfect opportunity to step up!!not only as a dad but as a partner you can help her be better by being less anxious.

Instead of offering to help or take over use language like 'show me how you hold baby' or 'I want to pick her up how you do it, am I doing it right? It might help her to know that you're following her lead.

And speak to your health visitor they should be able to help you both feel more confident around baby.

And finally congratulations!!! Make sure you enjoy every moment because it goes so fast.

Oh this is so sad!! Those early days are so precious- your partner really is hurting you massively by not allowing you to care for your baby. Is she especially anxious? FWIW you don’t need to ask permission to hold or change your baby or ask for guidance on how to do it unless you actually need guidance. You are allowed to just lift him and hold him/change him/take him for a walk etc.

How is your DW doing, op? How was the birth? Please treat her with kindness and look after her, she has been through a physical (and possibly emotional) trauma. She may be finding it a shock that the baby is outside of her body.

That said, don't be afraid to express how you are feeling about having a new baby (without finger pointing). Do not, whatever you do, get people to back you up in criticising her. Your marriage may never recover from something like that.

Your best bet is to be her main cheerleader and support.

Hey!

Apologies for the delayed response.

This is our very child together. Our baby is just over a week old. Just to answer some of your questions, she only lets me hold the baby for probably 2/3 minutes max when she’s either gone to the toilet or to carry out another task she can’t really take her with her to do if that makes sense.

My girlfriend will complain that I don’t do anything for her but my argument is that she doesn’t allow me to do anything for her so how can i do anything if i’m not allowed ? I really don’t know if i’m missing something here or going crazy in my own head.

I dont want to point the finger and make her seem like she’s doing a rubbish job because she isnt but I don’t feel at all close to my baby right now.

Thanks

I'd say give her time. The first couple of weeks are very challenging and the hormone changes are brutal. Maybe try to emphasise the need for her to rest and for you to bond with your baby.

Think of being a Dad as something you commit to for 25+ years. You have all that time ahead of you. The baby stage is fleeting.

With my babies I breastfed but 'mixed fed' with a bottle of formula in the evening. It took the pressure off breastfeeding (which is exhausting and relentless). Giving the bottle was my DH's job: I went off to bed to sleep and he took over. Is mix feeding something you might convince her to try once breastfeeding has been established?

If the mum doesn’t want to mix feed for her own benefit then I really don’t think the OP should suggest it for his. There are loads of other ways he can bond with the baby and support his partner beyond feeding.

OP her hormones are all over the place right now. Yes it’s your baby too but she and the baby both feel like they are still part of the one body. The best thing you can do for the baby is look after your partner. In the early days my DH does/did all of the housework - cooking, cleaning, laundry, bringing me snacks and drinks - so that I could rest establish feeding. If she is breastfeeding especially then this is really important.

If you do all that then i think also have a gentle conversation with her and say that you would like to do more with the baby and perhaps you could start doing more of the nappy changes, or hold the baby while it’s asleep to give her a break? Ask her to show you her way of doing things. And be patient - you will have plenty of time to bond as the baby gets older.

The new baby and mother are a unit. You don't really become "equal parents" until a bit later. It won't be long hopefully before the baby becomes smiley and playful and you can do more. Right now the best thing you can do is support mum so she can just focus on feeding. Do the cooking, housework and laundry as she won't have much time.

You sound like a great Dad already. These early weeks are so hard on everyone, and can be very emotional.

I do think that it's a good idea to communicate how you're feeling, and use a lot of 'I' sentences rather than 'you'. Eg "I feel like I need more time bonding with the baby so I can learn how to be a Dad" rather than "you never let me hold the baby longer than two minutes."

If she says she wants you to do more, you can ask her what specifically would be most helpful. She does need to be considerate of your feelings, as you're the Dad and you're her partner, but you're both adjusting and some tension and arguments are normal at this stage. Her body has been through an awful lot and the hormones do some really difficult things to your emotions too.

Hope things improve and you can enjoy your newborn.

At this early stage, what you can be doing is looking after your wife. You have your whole life ahead of bonding with baby, just now your wife is physically recovering and the baby needs its mum for familiar smell, comfort, feeding etc

Make sure she has snacks to hand, offer a drink, offer to run her a bath etc etc. She will relax soon but it's her that needs looking after right now.

Agree with @ScottishStottie - the way to look after your baby is to look after your partner. This doesn’t mean you holding the baby, this means doing the housework, cooking, creating the ‘nest’ for your new family. That’s parenting too, just another expression of it. This is a temporary stage when baby is so new.

@bylesb I see this thread is a couple of months old now. How are things going?

Are you keeping on top of the cooking, food shopping, cleaning, tidying etc? It’s only been a week- your job is to allow her to recover from the birth and support her.

You're not overthinking but this is totally normal and natural and you need to let her do what makes her comfortable right now while offering lots of other support - making her food and drinks, anything she needs so she can focus on the baby.
Offer to do nappy changes as that will give you some one on one time.
Is she breastfeeding? If so you need to remember at this early stage the baby and her a dyad , basically still one entity. Things will change quickly, just hang in there.

And agree with what @CiderJolly said - she needs you to step up and keep on top of everything except the babycare right now

Wow. I’ve got four kids and breastfed them all, but I still “allowed” my partner to hold and bond with them!

Your baby is so tiny still! Don't worry OP, there is lots of time in the future for you to bond with the baby. At the moment, focus on your girlfriend. Cook her nice meals. If she says you're not doing enough, ask what you could do that would help her the most - whether that is settling the baby or unloading the dishwasher.

How have things turned out for you now @bylesb?