Bullied by ex

[Dalyesquire]

Looking for advice on how to deal with this or anyone who has had similar experience .
Broke up with my boys mum 8 years ago when he was 1 due to her controlling behaviour. She was a nasty piece of work .
Over last 8 years i have bent over backwards to ensure i see my son regularly doing regular school pick ups , taking him to football and have him overnights 2 weekends a month . Probably see him more than his mum. During this time she has treated my position as his dad with complete disdain. She changes childcare arrangements last minute , reduces my overnights at short notice and accuses me of being an awful dad despite being more involved with my son than her. Withholds his football kit so i cant take him and loads more stuff where she uses wee man as a weapon . She is a complete narcissist who is only interested in herself and shaking me down for money over and above maintenance i pay . Its always her way or no way . Im treated more as a babysitter to get my son when she is working or has plans but when it comes to occasions like birthdays or xmas i get him when it suits her and always seem to lose out as she thinks she is the only one to call the shots and i have to fall in line . I take it as i know she will just stop me seeing him to prove a point if i fight back. This has been my fear for years . It has affected me for years and having my son held to ransom has ruined mw and is a big stress. I know im a great dad but for years i believed i wasnt doing enough as i was constantly being told i wasnt a good dad but now realise this was just said to hurt me.
I was supposed to have my boy for 4 overnights over october holidays but she t3xt just a few days before telling me im only getting him for 2 nights before she wanted him returned. I dug my heels in and refused to accept less time with my boy so she says i wasnt getting him at all. I feel im cutting my nose off to spite my face but im wanting to drag her over the coals now and stand my ground. She nerds me to have wee man when she is working but shes stubborn and can see her getting other childcare from her family meaning i wont see him for a while . I am now committedro doing whatever it takes to put her in her place once and for all. What i want to do is take her to xourt and get joint custody but it costsan absolute fortune to get what im apparently entitled to having parental rights . Why do fathers have to spend a fortune fighting to get what they should automatically be entitles to . And dont get me started on the csa . Absolute disgrace how they always favour the mothers like all dads are bad. I jave jad to jump through hoops to prove i have my boy more oveenights than she has told them. She doeesnt have to prove anything but i do . Looking for somw advice or opinion.

Hi mate. Theres a forum called separated dads that has good practical advice that you wont get on this site. You'll get some funny responses on here from Mom's (don't get drawn into it).
You need to take this more formally. Mediation followed by the threat of court. Its pricey, shit and the double standards / lack of parity when it comes to family law is truly shocking in this age of 'equality'. However the alternative is this continues until your child can make their own decisions which legally is 16 but in reality between about 12 and 14 when they are capable of makimg their own decisions and see things for what they are.

Are there any court orders in place?

Thanks mate

Nah none. Tried to get her to mediation 3 times. The first time she agreed years ago but refused to go back after the first session as she didnt like being encouraged to compromise . The other 2 times point blank refused and didnt reply to mediqtion service

@Dalyesquire

Nah none. Tried to get her to mediation 3 times. The first time she agreed years ago but refused to go back after the first session as she didnt like being encouraged to compromise . The other 2 times point blank refused and didnt reply to mediqtion service

And? You don't have to have both parties going to mediation before court, you just have to apply for it. If she doesn't turn up you get the form completed from the mediator to show you've done what was required and then take it to court to get things legally finalised.

Then assuming you're on the birth certificate there's nothing preventing you from keeping your child with you and make her take you to court/mediation. A guy at work did it and although working full time as well as having the child full time was tough it made his ex sit up and pay attention. He also contact the CSA and put a claim it so she had to start paying him, she went fucking mental. Cops got called and once they checked his child was okay and the house was suitable they left them to to. Its an extreme solution but may be worth a shot.

I appreciate your comments, am aware that if i decided to keep him and not give him back then there is nothing the police can do as its a civil matter and she would have to go to court . But the reality is that he still needs to go to school etc and that would only lead to a showdown after school between me and her tryibg to take the wee man home at the school gates which i really dont want .

@Dalyesquire

I appreciate your comments, am aware that if i decided to keep him and not give him back then there is nothing the police can do as its a civil matter and she would have to go to court . But the reality is that he still needs to go to school etc and that would only lead to a showdown after school between me and her tryibg to take the wee man home at the school gates which i really dont want .

Yeah, that is the risk which is why you need to speak to the school when it happens. They are quite helpful when you go to speak to them and explain mother is not to pick the child as its going through court (which it will be). Also, do it when the school holidays starts which will buy you a couple of weeks.

Without a court order the school wont get involved or take sides

@Dalyesquire

Without a court order the school wont get involved or take sides

Yes they will. They deal with this kind of issue all the time. You've nothing to loose by speaking to them.

@Dalyesquire

Without a court order the school wont get involved or take sides

Then get one.

I'm a mother whose left my daughters father because he is violent and abusive and never cared about his daughter. He's now pursuing court action and applied for permanent residency of our daughter. My point is.. You seem like a good dad who just wants to see your son and for him to have stability in his life. I say take her to court and fight her all the way as the same with my ex.. She's just using your son as a control tool and a weapon. Also other user, please don't judge responses OP will get.. I am sure users or mumsnet know full well that abusers can also be women as well as men. I wouldn't advise keeping your son as previous poster has advised.. It will go against you in Court. Unfortunately, it's just a waiting game.. You have rights as a father just as much as a mother. My ex raised his hand to me and our daughter so he can go to hell with his rights.. But you're a good father who just wants to see his son. I say fight her.. It will cost a lot.. But you'll get 50/50 no doubt and there's nothing she can do as it's Court ordered.

Its a game of brinkmanship. Like the other guy says.
Blokes worry the ex has the power to stop you seeing the kids / cost will be too much but bear in mind assuming you have parental responsibility she has far less power than she thinks. Ive been through it and my eldest lives with me full time at the moment
The cost of court is scary but that usually brings these types to the table as they face the same costs. My ex backed down and did mediation after initially refusing (because I applied to court). If you apply to court, its just over 200 quid you can put in a bit of detail about incidents etc that will put her on the back foot.
Realise this sounds harsh but its the only way.

Assuming there was no abuse or violence on your part.. You have just as much rights as her. You have PR.. The courts would most probably award you 50/50 or if its in your sons best interest.. To live with you full time. Your ex sounds very controlling and you will face a life time of this if you don't get a Court order. It is also not fair on your son who expects to see you and then doesn't because she's changing your nights last minute.

Take her to court for fixed contact, if she refuses mediation it won't look good in her etc.

Presumably you have a long detailed diary where she has with held contact, changed plans etc?

You can self rep. There is no reason why wouldn't get fixed contact even if it weren't 50:50 but EOW and overnight midweek plus 50% of holidays should be readily given. Don't know whether penal charges can be attached or she would have to block court ordered contact and then return for that to be added...

Good luck!