Having children during term time

[apt000]

I am looking for some support. I want to ensure the path I am going down is correct and I want to ensure that I am as educated as possible with the process. I want my children to get the best level of care, education, socialisation and opportunities whilst being able to see both parents which I see is extremely important. This is not about getting custody but instead is about ensuring the children have all the best opportunities in life to ensure they have the best chances as adults.
Ultimately, I feel that it would benefit both children if I have them during term time so that I can ensure they get to school. She could have them over the weekends and we could negotiate the time when they are not at school.
Well, where do I start? So, me and my ex-partner separated in 2017 after having 2 children. I do not know where I stand with a lot of this and ultimately, I only want what is best for my children.
Here is a little background information as to what has brought me to where I am today:
Since splitting up with my ex-partner back in 2017 we have disagreed multiple times sometimes over trivial things and other times over bigger things, however, we always came to an agreement on child chare and who had the children when. In this post, I am going to refer to my ex as “J” for ease. I am going to refer to my son a L and my daughter as S.
J is currently living in a housing association 2-bedroom ground floor flat. The property is occupied by the following people:

J’s Boyfriend
J’s Brother (who sleeps in the living room on the sofa and is 18/19)
L (who is 7)
S (who is 4)
L & S share a bedroom.
J is 25. She does not work. I do not believe that her boyfriend works, and I know for certain that her brother does not work either.

In my household we have: Myself: 26 B: 25 B is also pregnant and is due in January. I am self-employed and run my own Ltd company. My partner works for the NHS in a skilled role. We own the house we live in and have spare income. We have a 4-bedroom house so the children have their own room each when they stay with me.

For as far as I can remember I have always been cautious when approaching J with any issue, even when I was with her. I trod on eggshells as I know from experience that she can be very explosive and is often ruled by emotions. When her emotions take over her natural response is to remove the person causing her distress. In a lot of cases, this has meant that she has blocked me rather than resolve a situation and often lead her to use the children as pawns to which I cannot have them when planned.
However, for the most part approx. 80% of the time things have been ok. Since she has got with her new partner the events where she would contact me to let off some steam regarding anything and everything have reduced. Perhaps because she now has a new partner who has taken this place – who knows.

In general, it really frustrates me that she uses the children as pawns however, I have always tried to deal with it in a way which alleviates any hostility and in most cases these have been threats which turned to be empty threats, however, in some cases, it leads to me not having the children for a night or a few nights.
More recently she has told me that L does not want to come round and that she will not be forcing him. I know for a fact that he really enjoys the time here and I am not just saying that – I am absolutely certain. Recently we did a surprise party and we have got an upcoming holiday planned in the half term. When J told me that L does not want to come round I told her that this isn’t for her to enforce and that he is a child and he’s not old enough/mature enough to make this call himself. This is an example of when she feels like she plays God and decides when and if I see them.

At this point I decided that I will go down the more formal channels and attempt mediation with the view of going to court if we do not reach an acceptable agreement. I did say to my partner who I will refer to as B that this is something I was going to do after Christmas as I did not want the fact of me starting mediation to stop me from taking them on holiday or having them over Christmas.

Moving forward about 8 weeks the children have returned to school & Nursery and we are not at the start of the school term in September.
The children have returned to school and nursery, school started on half days for the first week, this week the children were in J’s care. They attended school and nursery during this week. The next week of school L & S were in my care for apart from Wednesday pick up and Thursday drop off (this is the night where J has the children) This week they were back full time and they had a full week of attendance.

The following week the children we are back in J’s care and school was scheduled as normal for a full week, however, From Saturday – Wednesday J has taken the children away to Skegness. Worse enough taking them away in school term time she did not send them back on Thursday or Friday for the reason of her having a cold.

At this point, I am going to share with you a conversion that we had through text so that you can relate word for word as to what has been said and how this escalated further.

[08:47, 25/09/2020] Me: What time does L finish?
[08:48, 25/09/2020] J: I’ve kept them off today I’m not well myself so thought I’d just keep them off I didn’t want to be going up to the school when I’m full of cold
[08:48, 25/09/2020] Me: Is S off too?
[08:48, 25/09/2020] J: Yeah
[08:49, 25/09/2020] Me: Did he go yesterday?
[08:57, 25/09/2020] J: No
[09:03, 25/09/2020] Me: I would of thought you would have asked kieran to take him instead of keeping him off because you've got a cold. It's not really a good excuse.
[09:04, 25/09/2020] J: Don’t talk to me like a child either there also my kids
[09:08, 25/09/2020] Me: Its actually a disappointment that you keep them off school when you feel unwell. If you felt that unwell you should of told me that you can't look after them because the only reason I wouldn't take them myself is 1) if I physically couldn't get out of bed or 2) I was constantly vomiting and couldn't control it.

The fact you took it upon yourself to keep them off even though they are perfectly OK to go and you've got 2 other adults in the house who can help you is absolutely appalling.

I'll be at yours at 3 to pick them up
[09:11, 25/09/2020] J: A honestly go fuck yourself kierans at work and I wouldn’t ask jack to tak them!! And I’m still in bed now I’m so ill but why the fuck am I explaining myself to you you absolute idiot don’t even think about coming near my flat A
[09:12, 25/09/2020] Me: So you're going to drop the kids off to me at 3pm if you don't want me near your flat?
[09:12, 25/09/2020] J: No don’t be stupid
[09:12, 25/09/2020] Me: So I'm going to have to come to get them from you aren't I?
[09:13, 25/09/2020] J: No A now stop messaging me
[09:13, 25/09/2020] Me: Just send the kids out to me when I get there.
[09:13, 25/09/2020] J: No
[09:14, 25/09/2020] Me: So explain your reason?
[09:14, 25/09/2020] J: Stop messaging me
[09:14, 25/09/2020] Me: I want to have the kids and your telling me I can't?
[09:15, 25/09/2020] J: Like I said stop messaging me
[09:15, 25/09/2020] Me: Yet your not even in a fit state to take them to school how can you possibly be in a fit state to look after them if you can't get out of bed
[09:15, 25/09/2020] J: The kids don’t even want to go to yours
[09:18, 25/09/2020] Me: That isn't for you to enforce.
[09:18, 25/09/2020] J: Stop messaging me
[09:18, 25/09/2020] Me: You know what I wouldn't normally do this but people need to see the kind of person you are starting with school

As this point J blocked me from messaging her. I contacted the school for advice, and they asked if there was anyone who could get through to her. I then contacted her dad who went to her house however, this did not change anything. She unblocked me and messaged me some more.

[11:23, 25/09/2020] J: Sending my dad round 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[11:23, 25/09/2020] J: Grow up A
[11:32, 25/09/2020] Me: All I would like to do is get the kids like normal.
[11:32, 25/09/2020] J: Why would you get my dad involved can see you’ve never changed
[11:32, 25/09/2020] Me: Because I couldn't contact you.
[11:33, 25/09/2020] J: Always getting other people involved tho you always have done
[11:33, 25/09/2020] J: So now you’ve made me and my dad fall out the only parent I have left I can’t even talk to anymore
[11:33, 25/09/2020] J: Well done
[11:35, 25/09/2020] Me: I haven't caused that. You blocked me because you didn't like that I wasn't happy with the reason you kept the kids off. All I want to do is have the kids when agreed. If you didn't stop me or say that wasn't happening then I wouldn't of called your dad.
[11:36, 25/09/2020] Me: You've already told me not to come round.
[11:36, 25/09/2020] J: I’ve got a cold they’ve also got a cold ring the school now and ask them if L was aloud in
[11:43, 25/09/2020] Me: Well it's a little late now. And that still doesn't say why you feel you want to stop me from having the kids.
[11:44, 25/09/2020] Me: You clearly don't want to talk to me which I don't mind so why not just finish this conversation at this. Can I come to yours to get the kids at 3pm?
[11:44, 25/09/2020] J: Talking to me like a dickhead like a child like I don’t look after the kids better than you I want an apology for the way you spoke to me
[11:45, 25/09/2020] Me: I don't feel that I did anything out of line.
[11:52, 25/09/2020] J: Forget it then
[11:52, 25/09/2020] Me: All I want to know is am I OK to get the kids at 3pm? I have no other purpose in talking with you
[11:53, 25/09/2020] J: All I want is an apology
[11:53, 25/09/2020] J: I don’t talk to you like that but it’s ok for you to
[11:53, 25/09/2020] Me: would you apologies if you didnt feel it was nessersery?
[12:21, 25/09/2020] J: I said forget it then
[12:22, 25/09/2020] Me: You haven't said I can get the kids yet at 3pm?
[13:00, 25/09/2020] Me: ?
[13:01, 25/09/2020] J: We’re self isolating until I can get tests
[13:01, 25/09/2020] Me: Why? Have you got symptoms? I thought I was a cold?
[13:04, 25/09/2020] J: That is a symptom
[13:04, 25/09/2020] J: You wanna risk B and your unborn baby wow
[13:10, 25/09/2020] Me: You said a cold not a high tempature. That's not a symptom.
[13:11, 25/09/2020] Me: And you could of said that from the very start this morning.
[13:26, 25/09/2020] J: I told you we was ill
[13:32, 25/09/2020] J: I can ring the school myself you know
[15:21, 25/09/2020] J: ??
[15:37, 25/09/2020] Me: I actually rung them for the attendance records for the last 3 years
[15:39, 25/09/2020] J: Why
[15:39, 25/09/2020] J: Your a weirdo
[15:39, 25/09/2020] J: You rang them to say he’s self isolating
[15:39, 25/09/2020] Me: You'll be invited to mediation I've contacted solicitors already
[15:40, 25/09/2020] J: Are you having a laugh 😂😂 that’s for people that are being stopped from seeing there kids
[15:41, 25/09/2020] J: Your gonna look like a right idiot

I read the above messages as a series of clear lies which are made up as she goes along. In the above messages, I have replaced my name with A where it is mentioned in her messages.

Nursery also called me around half 9 asking where S is to which I made them aware of the current situation which has just unfolded and I then made a call to L’s school to which I asked them for advice and spoke to a member of the family liaison team. I raised my concerns and made them aware of the latest coronavirus symptoms that I had been told about. I did make them aware that I also do not believe it but it still needed to be taken seriously. The school and nursery both told me that the children needed to isolate until a test was negative, however, they would contact her to let her know.
I also requested attendance records from school for the last 2 years which L’s attendance is 90.x% in both reception and year 1. He has just gone into Y2.
During year 1 the time which I had L and S was over weekends due to my work times. I was responsible for dropping them off majorities of Monday’s and had them from Saturday at 12pm. I do not have records of the days which I had the children, however, from September 2019 I have complete records which days I have the children as I started working for myself and book my meetings around the time I have them. From Sept 19 – March 20 (when the school closed) L had an attendance of 90.6%. J was responsible for school drop off on 74 of these days and I was responsible for school drop off on 43 of these days. On the days I was responsible there were no days off with 100% attendance. During J’s days, there were 11 absences with only 3 noted down on the attendance records at school as ILL the others were unauthorised/unexplained. This works out that in J’s care L has an attendance of 85.14%.

On Friday I contacted a family law firm and booked in for mediation. Today she has received a letter, I know this because she has messaged me informing me that there’s no way, she’s doing mediation over a video link and that she has binned the letter. On Friday I also contacted her dad who went round to try to talk some sense into her letting me have the children at 3 pm however, he could not get through to her. On Friday I also called the 101 to see where I stand in just going around (this was before I knew about the symptoms, she is now saying she had) They told me to stay away.

Today I have called the school to speak to the headteacher to raise my concerns about L. The headteacher informed me that they called J this morning to ensure that she doesn’t bring L to school due to the reported symptoms. The headteacher informed me that J’s response to the school was that she is now home-schooling L.

There are no current court orders in place and we are both on the birth certificates for both children. They both have my last name.

I know that I have missed a load out, but I have been typing this for ages and I feel like I’m rambling on a little bit too. Please advise me and ask me any specific questions.

No one is going to read all of that. I've reported it so it can be edited as it contains real names.

If you want your children more and you have a more appropriate home then go to court fill in the form and represent your self costs around £220.

Normal arrangements would be 1 day in the week and every other weekend unless you go for 50:50. You don't want the children only Mon-Fri because you end up doing all the hard work whilst the other parent has the fun times, also children have hobbies, sports, parties and playdates at weekends.

I thought I did a good job of removing all names. I had a look though and can't see where I missed blanking names.

I understand what you're saying about weekends is the fun time however, I'm conscious about the education they get and also don't want her not to have them.

Currently I do have the chicken 6 of 14 days on a 2 week rolling schedule.

You missed her partners name in one of the text exchanges.

In many split families the mother has the kids full time and the dads have them every other weekend so I can't see the issue of you asking for the same. I have no adult experience of courts but my gut tells me to focus on the children's education and attendance and less on you having your own home and 4 bedrooms.

You sound like you have your children's best interests at heart.

@pincertoe thank you for your response. Oh yes I see. I only searched for certain names.

I just tried to provide as much information as possible. It's very difficult to know where to turn and I've been trying to get all the best info. I've been speaking with the head teacher today and will be speaking again on Thursday. I've always been very involved so it's not a drastic change for the children either.

K and J** are both mentioned in the text messages. I've starred them out as they should be edited soon.

Anyway in terms of attendance lots of kids are being kept off if there. Ir parents have any covid like symptoms and if that is the case they shouldn't be going to yours either until a test has been done. Now alot of people are being overly cautious and not distinguishing between colds and Covid coughs but isolation is isolation.

Your ages, working schedule, housing set up or financial security really have nothing to do with anything nor the fact the children share a room as they are under 10, perhaps they should but its unlikely they will without good reason. In terms of attendance schools like it to be as good as possible but don't start to put the pressure on until it hits about 86%. I'm not saying her set up isn't the most ideal however it is the status quo and the courts like to keep things stable for children. No harm in trying for a more concrete equal residential agreement though.