Seperation advice

[Jimd2020]

My wife and I are currently in the stage of discussing seperation. It has transpired that she has been unhappy for a while in the relationship despite having a very nice family life.

We have tried counselling as I'm really in the camp of wanting the relationship to work. We've been together 15 years and married for 11 of those. We have 2 children who since birth has been our key focus.

We need to talk more about the situation but I am concerned regarding the financial side of things.

I'm happy to take on the loan debt we have. We don't really have anything else. We have a mortgage with around 50k equity.

I don't like the idea of renting especially when the cost is more than a mortgage of a similar sized property. The issue being without some sort of buy out from the wife. She couldn't afford this though due to her wages. But could afford the mortgage and bills when including my CM payments and universal credit with her wages.

We wouldn't want to sell the house.

Am I screwed?

Hi Jim. Sorry to hear aboit your sitiation.
I split from my ex just under two years ago and Im now divorced.
I hope it's all amicable (it didn't work out like that for me).
My advice would be get advice from a solicitor before you commit to anything. This will sound harsh but you need to tread carefully and go for a clean break if you can get it.
Any questions let me know

Could you talk to your current mortgage lender to see what options there are? (Might save you paying for a solicitor at this stage)

@safeordangerous

Hi Jim. Sorry to hear aboit your sitiation. I split from my ex just under two years ago and Im now divorced. I hope it's all amicable (it didn't work out like that for me). My advice would be get advice from a solicitor before you commit to anything. This will sound harsh but you need to tread carefully and go for a clean break if you can get it. Any questions let me know

I think we could agree on everything bar the house. I'm sure she'd pull the old "it's for the kids" card but in reality she would getting the benefit. I'm the one who's going to have to move out, I wouldn't take anything from the house, I'll still be paying the loan which was from joint debt consolidation. Most important it's me who's not with the children.

I don't even know how to approach the subject of solicitors with her.

I thought the counsellor might have brought it up but it wasn't mentioned.

@toucancancan

Could you talk to your current mortgage lender to see what options there are? (Might save you paying for a solicitor at this stage)

I need to have a full discussion with the wife first. See how she's expecting it to all pan out. I have a sneaky suspicion that she would almost expect me to just leave with nothing.

This is only based on my experience but go and see a solicitor on your own. Dont tell her. They will usually give you an hour free consultation.
If I'd not been through it I'd be thinking the same as you.
I had a similar situation with the house. Bottom line is you'll need to sell or let her live there for a few years (if you do then you need to get an agreement and trust me take advice first).
How old are the kids.

6 & 9

So there will be a big emotional upheaval given age of the kids. Aim to keep it amicable but at the back of your mind start to think what is in your best interests also.
As she is asking for this you need to be mindful that she may already have sought advice whether professional or just through gh friends and family.
I hope it's all amicable for you without to much disruption but just be on your guard and dont let emotion cloud your judgement.

The plan is to keep it as amicable as possible. I think we could sort everything out ourselves. It's just the house which I think would be the sticking point.
like mentioned earlier. in my head im getting a raw deal already in regards to finances but luckily i can afford to pay so am happy to do so (to keeo it as trouble free as possible)

The only advice I think she's had is from friends. and im sure it will be just to kick me out etc.. but from my research she cannot do that.

im being my normal nice self at home,

its hard to keep it together but i am for the kids, and its even harder that i still want it to work.

my main goal is to cause as lesat disruption for the children as possible. and due to my nature the wife knows this which i why i think thats shes assuming i walk away with notihng. (i cant be sure of this as we havent had that conversation but after being with her for so ling i know how she works)

i wanted to avoid solicitors etc as everything i read doesnt sound good, but i honestly cant see any other way.

Everything you state is sensible and reasonable. The starting point is 50/50. If you're the bread winner and she doesnt work or has low income this will have a bearing but as I've mentioned a solicitor will look after your best interests whilst you process the emotional side which obviously will mainly be the kids.
You are right that you have as much right to be in the house as she does. As long as things are amicable there's no issue here but as time progresses that may become more difficult.
Leaving the family home, paying the debts, having to rent in the short term at least at a premium (you may not be in a position to buy somehwere new for a while) all need to be considered. In my case there was a new man on the scene quickly, he moved into the family home (which I bought) and to this day Ive not seen a penny from him.
Hopefully nothing like that will happen and my case is probably far from the norm but just going off the detail you've mentioned be prepared, hence the need to get a professional opinion.
Maybe look on some of the other forums on mumsnet such as lone parent to see the other side of this.

i wasnt expecting 50/50 and id be happy to accept 60/40 in her favour to be honest.
i dont want any furniture from the house. literally just my clothes.
im happy to pay the debts and give more than the child maintenance calculaor says. i just hate the idea of renting. the 1 bed flats are more in rent than our 3 bed home.

Yeah 60/40 you might get. To be honest a clean break is more important. A clean break means that other than maybe having to wait for a house sale for a few years and perhaps a set period of time for spousal maintenance she can't keep coming back to you. My ex tried to argue we couldn't have a clean break which potentially would have meant she could petition court for her hardship until the kids had grown up (potentially beyond). Thankfully I got that.

Working out everything in regards to outgoings. I'd be left with sub £300 for food and to save or whatnot. Spousal maintenance I thought was only for high earners? Surely the fact I'm taking on the big debt we have I'd be exempt from this?

This is why seeing a solicitor is important! Look to get a clean break, but a solicitor will help you draw up what you both need to house the children. Aren't you intending to have them at all?

Spousal maintenance comes into play if there's an income disparity. Seems unlikely from what you are saying. Are you sure about taking on this debt if its going to leave you light.

I certainly do. As much as we can agree on. They are literally my reason for living. I still plan on seeing them alot and having them over mine

@safeordangerous

Spousal maintenance comes into play if there's an income disparity. Seems unlikely from what you are saying. Are you sure about taking on this debt if its going to leave you light.

Me taking on the debt is to stop my wife being short. She will be the primary carer of the children and I'd rather them not go without even if I'm living a bit more frugal.

Jim this is all commendable. I dont know the specifics of your situation but unless there's more to this I dont think your soon to be ex wife is going to show you the same courtesy you are showing. She seems a bit selfish given the age of the kids.
Speaking for the brotherhood here at the very least speak to a solicitor before you agree to anything. Assuming you move out can you live with family, find a new place and do you have savings to get back on your feet.
These are all the things you need to think about as moving out of home and a potential divorce are very costly. Along with anything you may need for the kids.
I wish you well mate.

@safeordangerous

Jim this is all commendable. I dont know the specifics of your situation but unless there's more to this I dont think your soon to be ex wife is going to show you the same courtesy you are showing. She seems a bit selfish given the age of the kids. Speaking for the brotherhood here at the very least speak to a solicitor before you agree to anything. Assuming you move out can you live with family, find a new place and do you have savings to get back on your feet. These are all the things you need to think about as moving out of home and a potential divorce are very costly. Along with anything you may need for the kids. I wish you well mate.

I can't say I'm the innocent victim in this. I made a comment via message to a female work colleague which my wife didn't agree with. This was the catalyst to it. She then said that she had been unhappy in the relationship for a while anyway.

In regards to moving out. Would it be a bad thing to move out before everything is sorted in regards to the house?

The atmosphere isnt great as she doesn't speak to me so the children are picking up on things which obviously isn't a good thing. I was thinking of moving out, sorting everything but the mortgage out as we could agree on everything else. But I know that's not going to be a quick process.

Ok well I think a lot of people inrelationships do a lot worse but obviously i dont know the full story.
If you move out you will probably not live there again. Where will you see the kids if not at family home

@safeordangerous

Ok well I think a lot of people inrelationships do a lot worse but obviously i dont know the full story. If you move out you will probably not live there again. Where will you see the kids if not at family home

It's all completely amicable. We've spoken about things tonight. We've agreed on basically everything verbally. The only caveat to this is the mortgage. She said her parents would remortgage and pay me my equity but I think once the renewal comes around she would still need to get a guarantor at that point so that's something that needs to be discussed through the right channels.

I don't plan on living here again. I was hoping for us to not split but it's got to work both ways which isn't going to happen.

I would have the kids at my place. There would be no restrictions on how much I can see them. (I would have every other weekend as set days with a day in the week on the alternative weeks but if they wanted to come see/stay with me on other times then that would be fine)
I would still be able to come do the bedtime routine a few times a week and would still take them to school the days I do already.

Financially she wasn't expecting any child maintenance although I've told her that I would want to and I've calculated how much.

But I'd obviously still buy things as and when required.

Birthdays/Christmas/events would still very much be a joint venture which we spend together. Albeit not sleeping in the same house.

That sounds positive. If her folks can be mortgage guarantor that will make it easier for you to buy own house. If you're guarantor obviously any mortgage provider will look at that in the r affordability calculator.

So In the last 2 days I've spoken with a family member who is a conveyancing solicitor but has done other general solicitor stuff.

A family law solicitor & someone from amicable.io

Every one of them has said that my reasons for wanting to move out (as to not cause any more of an atmosphere which the children are picking up on) was a valid one and there is no reason why I can't move before the mortgage side of things is sorted.

They've all suggested that a seperation agreement would be the best course of action as we can/have verbally agreed on everything anyway. In the agreement it would be stated that she would need to sort the mortgage by a specific date.

The family law solicitor also recommended that getting the wife to sign a document stating that I'm not disserting her etc. Would be advisable too.

As much as it would pain me to do so it's ultimately going to be what happens so delaying things is likely to do more harm than good.

@safeordangerous

That sounds positive. If her folks can be mortgage guarantor that will make it easier for you to buy own house. If you're guarantor obviously any mortgage provider will look at that in the r affordability calculator.

She would need a guarantor to be able to remortgage to buy me out.

or to enter a new fixed deal I think as the financial circumstances would have changed.

But yes if this can happen rather than putting a charge on the property then that would be more beneficial to me.

Obviously she would need to discuss this with her parents but I'm pretty sure they would be willing to do that.