New dad and bad dreams

[mrssunshinexxx]

Posting on behalf of my husband we have a 2 week old baby and he is sleeping in the spare room for one reason or another which is fine but he is having horrible dreams every night usually multiple times and I find him sat bolt upright just now when I went for a wee that the baby is in the covers and he's rolled on her / squashed her etc he is dripping wet with sweat and very disturbed by it
He won't/can't come back in our bed until this stops I can't be being woken up with that in the small blocks of sleep I do get

He has done a lot of diy today and had a bath before bed so I thought he might sleep well

Has anyone else experienced this if so how can we stop it?

Poor bloke. Assuming this is your first child I think all parents have a sense of worry or paranoia. I don't think it's spoken about enough with fathers my husband was so worried about holding are daughter too tight or dropping her. Are you currently Co sleeping with baby? My partner still now and our daughter is 3 won't share a bed with her of fear of rolling on her. The part that worries me is the intense dreams I think if that continues he may need to speak to someone.

I used to have those exact dreams when both DC were newborns, I'm pretty sure they are fairly common, they did stop when we got beyond the newborn phase though.

I can't speak to the experience from a Dad's perspective but I had this when both of mine were newborns. Woke up most nights with the most terrifying panicked sick feeling, frantically trying to find the baby (who never even coslept with us, so it was totally irrational!) under the cover, absolutely convinced I'd suffocated him. It was horrible, but it did pass after a month or so I think. I think it's probably more normal than anyone realizes, but it does feel awful.

Thank you all for your replies I guess we just have to wait then perhaps when she's abit more robust his subconscious just won't be as anxious ? So strange that he's in the spare bed and it happens though

Yes she's our first baby

@octoberfarm well he's still having them she's 3 weeks tomorrow and getting chunkier by the day so hoping he will stop soon can't wait for him to come back into our room :(

Ugh I'm so sorry, that's really tough. Honestly it did totally haunt me and (I think at least) I'm usually a pretty laid back, calm person. Hopefully it'll pass soon - I asked my DH and he reckoned it was 6-8 weeks for me so hopefully your DH will be the same. Is he coping okay with fatherhood generally?

@octoberfarm oh no was hoping it would be 4 weeks 😫 yeah he's great with her and very smitten so don't think it's linked that way x

I used to have this when DS was born. We didn’t co-sleep as I need to snuggle into a duvet to sleep so knew it wouldn’t work safely for us. I used to wake up sweating and in panic thinking I had suffocated him. I was even looking for him in the bed on a couple of occasions
It was horrible so I really feel for your DH. It will stop when your baby gets a bit bigger

Sorry it happened to you too @AllTheUserNamesAreTaken I do really feel for him in my exhausted state it's happened twice when in bed with me as I've been so sleepy I fully think he's suffocated her to it's horrible
Also he's in spare room and desperately want him to sleep through so he feels good and is super helpful Through the day but waking 3/4 times a night with nightmare is stopping that! Grr s

maybe he wouldn't have the nightmares if he slept in his own bed, with you , and presumably the baby in cot at the side.
the feeling of the family all being together may reassure him at a deep level.
i think it's worth a try.
his subconscious may feel that he has been banished to the small room, like a cell, because he has harmed the baby. i know its not true, but the deep unconscious has its own logic, and tries to make sense of things, in ways we cannot control.
bring him back into the bosom of the family.
good luck.

My mum said my dad had this when I was born. It's just his new dad anxiety coming through. Don't forget your husband is going through a massive adjustment phase too! Try to get him to talk out his feelings.

@alexdgr8 I beg him to stay in our room he comes in at start if each night sometimes he will fall asleep and then wake up around midnight/1am and go to spare bed sometimes once she's asleep and we've watch a little tv he says I'm gunna go in the spare room now and it Mayes me sad I think he likes the peace and the hope of a full night sleep

When the baby was first born I couldn't sleep for more than an hour even when she was doing 3/4 hour stretches I would just stare at her and my subconscious just kept waking me up and. I think it's because he was in the other room so I begged him to try coming in and the first night he came back I have 90minures of the deepest sleep before she woke up it was actual bliss luckily now I can fall straight to sleep when she is but to start with I was really anxious to make sure she was breathing all the time etc

@Aquamarine1029 he says he's completely in love with her and loves being a dad I don't think he's un happy ? Plus he has it pretty easy minus the bad dreams since night 2 he has been in spare room and had the opportunity of full nights sleep he goes in the garden for hours went out on his mountain bike for 5 hours at the weekend

My mum died 11 weeks ago so we are both grieving but I don't think the bad dreams are linked with that for him

Is he actually dreaming that this has happened, or is he waking up and then instantly panicking that it has? If the latter, I think it's quite normal, moreso for new mothers but I imagine for some new fathers too. If the former, then it may still be nothing and go away in time or it may indicate something else... have you considered encouraging him to see his GP? If only to prescribe some short term sleeping medication to help him get through this phase

@rottiemum88 he's been back at work this week so in air B and B as works away he said it happened only once the first night and he never answeeed that question when I asked how he slept yesterday and haven't spoken to him yet today so will be interesting to see if it's still happened whilst he's so far away

I think he dreams she's in the bed and he's rolled on her but I haven't co slept once and don't plan to her snuz pod isn't even attached to the bed it's like half a foot away so I can get in and out to go to the toilet

My DH did this for about 2 years and DS never slept in our bed. He used to thrash about in bed, dripping in sweat and then wake up terrified he had kicked the kicked out of bed.

And wake up me too!

@Livpool oh god that's rough 2 years?!?

Sorry to hear about your Mum, @rottiemum88

@mrssunshinexxx yes on and off and certainly not regularly. We laugh about it now...

Oh and DS is 4 and rarely out of our bed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well for the first time since she was 1 night old it's 6am and he's still in the bed he only had one bad dream !

Thank you @octoberfarm it's horrific 😔