Struggling with Daughter becoming a teen

[DDT12]

Hi everyone, first post and apologies if this has been covered before etc but any help/similarities would be most appreciated.

I’m a married man with 3 children, my eldest is my only daughter and she is about to turn 13. I know we call love our kids and I’m no more special than anyone but the bond I’ve had with this girl has just been out of this world, she has given me so much and helped with a very upsetting bereavement I had when I was younger which I think made me a more anxious, nervous and sensitive person (even though I come across different to others).
Now she is approaching 13 she has remained such a good girl and to be fair a little ‘young’ for her age which I obviously welcome but the truth is I’m genuinely in a mess the older she gets! I can’t bare the thoughts of her learning more adult aspects or not needing me as much etc. I know these things have to happen and I should enjoy her life with her no matter what her age but I’m literally in bits about it and wondered if anyone had any tips, advice or experiences of a similar nature and also am I really the only one who thinks like this as a father?

Thank you for any help in advance

Dan

I haven't got to that stage yet, and you may be looking for advice more from Dads, but you should remind yourself what a great girl you've raised and trust in her judgement and the values that you've installed in her.
And in the nicest possible way, remember that although you want to protect her, you have to let her grow up.

You might find it helpful to read the articles below. Your relationship will change with her but you can still have a close relationship with her, I still do with my father and I am very grateful for it.

yourteenmag.com/family-life/communication/importance-dads-teen-daughters

yourteenmag.com/family-life/communication/fathers-and-teenage-daughters

Thank you for these replies and links, already helpful :-)

Focus on empowering her and ensuring she knows her own worth. Don't infantilise her or teach her she needs a man to protect her. It is tough to support that independence but also very necessary. We still live in a misogynistic culture.

I think you need to appreciate that she is an individual with her own individual thoughts, interests, and character which will all be expressed during adolescence, and that these new facets of her personality won't necessarily chime with yours, and that's ok.

Why, specifically, are you finding it difficult to think of her growing up? Can you dig down in to why it worries you so much? Are you fearful for her safety? Or are you fearful for yourself when she is gone?

Surely, as parents, we have our children in our hands fleetingly, and the ultimate aim of parenting is to equip them to ultimately fly free and live their own independent lives? Can you switch your thinking to how proud you will be when she becomes more resilient and therefore less dependent on you?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I find your op a bit worrying in that you have chosen to highlight what your daughter has done for you and how much she helped you through a bereavement (and she's only thirteen) and you are worried about her not needing you as much. Perhaps it would be a good idea to switch your focus from how you are feeling, to how she is feeling, and then take your cue from that?

I think you need to work on yourself so that you are not "in bits" about the thought of her becoming independent (as she should do and as is natural) or you are in danger of causing her considerable emotional damage.

And please don't call her a "good" girl. Her behaviour may not always be perfect but she is already "good enough"! Make the praise more specific and reward effort.

To the point but a very fair assessment. I would totally agree that I have made the situation (not our relationship) about myself. I even know if I’m not careful I may hold her back etc. By ‘good’ girl, I’m referring to her behaviour, respect, attitude, school work etc in general. I will work on myself more and totally agree with a lot of what you’re saying.
My reason why I don’t want her to grow up are again a lot of my own insecurities, I know how hard life can be and I don’t want her to have to experience this just yet.. it’s just flown by.. I still see her as an 8 year old or something! Not that I’m controlling but I would say overprotective. I fear the way the world is these days and just want her ok, that’s the only way I can put it really. I also know what I was like at that age and although I was a pretty good kid, I wouldn’t want her experiencing some of the things I encountered, albeit I was a boy in the 80/early 90’s... thank you again and any more impur would be fully appreciated. I’m just not too great at being told directly.. I guess I know my issues but want some direction and maybe even sympathy with other fathers alike to help me.. thank you very much again

I hope I wasn't too direct there op! . You sound very open and honest and aware of your own weak spots (which we all have). Would some counselling or parenting classes help?

[Btw, I should stress that my teen dd is being pretty vile to me at the moment, so I probably am not qualified to offer advice ]

I get the over-protectiveness - it is quite a scary world out there - the trouble is that the more we stand in the way of letting them make their own mistakes (within reason) the less able they will be to deal with as adversity when we are no longer there to advise.

In fact, I would go so far to say that I think the hardest thing about parenting a teen is standing back and letting them make mistakes. It's terrifying! (And if you are worried now, think how scared I am going to be this summer after my dd's birthday when I hand over car keys and an L plate.)

Hi OP, this was written by a man so might help:

Raising Girls here

Its a transition phase. Your job now is to help her become more independent and become a confident young woman, that's how you protect and keep her safe now. I went to uni as mature student and found myself having to teach fellow students in halls basic skills. Their parents thought they had been doing their best with them as teenagers, drive them everywhere, didn't do chores or pt jobs so they could focus on studies, but it meant they suddenly had to learn all these skills at once.

Thank you and I hope you’re doing ok with the situation you’re experiencing. I guess I just have to sort my own mind out and not stand in her way and just be there for her when she needs me etc. I think I’m intelligent enough to know what is right and wrong it’s just putting it into practice I guess and I think I’m looking for a comfort blanket from other Dad’s experiencing similar. Thank you again, means a lot, this seems a great forum

Thank you 😊

Interesting, thank you

Sorry I missed that you had posted this under Dadsnet op!
It isn't a very active part of Mumsnet tbh. Maybe a more male-centric forum would be better if you only want replies from other Dad's?

Oh no? I thought this was the Dad forum 🙈 I’m so sorry everyone; thank you anyway for all words and wisdom! Trust me!

Oh now I see I am but you meant a better forum, apologies again! Not my day!!

No need to apologise op. You posted in the right place. It just doesn't get a lot of traffic from blokes (or other mumsnetters).

Maybe do some reading on growth vs fixed mindsets.
Praise efforts rather than results, don't make your favour contingent upon achievement but on effort

Thanks everyone