Separating but still very much together...Advice needed

[ToBeConfirmed]

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 boys, 11 and 14. We’ve had a generally great marriage, but our sex life has been a bit sporadic. Just after the birth of our second child she had an affair that lasted about 18 months. With the help of some excellent counselling, we repaired the relationship and the sex was good, for a while. I managed to regain my trust in her.
About 4 years ago the sex had fizzled out completely. We are very close, we get along like a house on fire, we have the same sense of humour and we love being together.
About 5 months ago I found out she was having another affair and she admitted to it. We had a lot of long, deep honest chats about it all and ultimately, she said she wanted to separate.
I do not want to separate. I believe we can repair the relationship, again, but she remains adamant that’s it’s over.
We discussed selling the house but decided against it, both for the sake of the kids and also that we can't afford it.
We still get along great. We have regular close cuddles (no sex obviously and no kissing). We still love spending time together and we still have a really good laugh.
Her affair continues and she’s told me they’ve had sex. She’s told me he makes her feel good, special etc.
She’s told me that’s she more than happy for me to see other women, but I’m not sure I ready for that.
I feel absolutely awful when she’s away seeing him. A ‘wound’ opens up each time she goes, it hurts so much. Then when she gets back, things go back to ‘normal’ and the ‘wound’ begins to heal. Until she next sees him.
What can I do to break out of this? Just give it time, time for me to come to terms with their relationship? Or…..?

I'm sorry to hear this... I'm also not sure if I'm allowed to comment on dadnet as I'm a woman lol. As a woman... I could never teat my OH like this because I have too much respect for him. I dont think she appreciates you anymore by the sounds of it, maybe shes content having her fun knowing you will be waiting?. What you do deserve is to feel happy again. She will carry on cheating. You will carry on hurting. But time out of this situation you will heal and maybe find someone to love you back in the way you want. Who knows. Time away from you might make her realise what she has... my honest opinion is you are a comfortable option and shes enjoying the attention. You deserve better

This is my first post on mumsnet (dadsnet). I've been debating which thread to post in first but couldn't read your post without responding. I honestly think that no matter how hard it is, you need to leave and try and come to terms with it. One affair is bad, but maybe repairable. Two is too much IMO.

You obvious get on, which makes it hard, but the dad truth seems to be that she had moved on from the relationship. I honestly think that if it continues you'll either come to hate her or will just end up splitting anyway but dragging it out unnecessarily.

^sad' truth I meant.

My first post on dadsnet too!

I feel desperately sorry for you, it is clear from your post that you love her but the horrible truth is, she doesn't love you nor does she respect you.

This is her second affair, she visits him knowing how much this hurts you and even discusses her sex life with you.

Please find some strength and leave, this is toxic and I can assure you it won't end well.

You can be great parents separately and you deserve to find somebody who loves and respects you.

I feel as if you are incredibly low on your own self worth and this is her doing. The qualities you have, another woman would adore these.

Wishing you all the best x

My best mate's partner did this a year ago. Her affair lasted all of about a month before she was posting dramatic 'people are shit' statuses on Facebook. My friend on the other hand has just started a new relationship a few months back and seems very happy - she seems lovely too.

Thank you all for your responses, they mean alot, and all of you are right.
I should leave, but I'm bloody minded and I don't want to sell the house I've worked all my life for.
I'm getting used to things, slowly. To leave would be a rash decision. Aside from her I have a good life. It should be her who leaves and as each week passes and I become less and less of a push over, the life she wants (seeing him whenever she wants, eaving me to run the house on my own) becomes harder and harder.
I'm standing tall and trying to be as strong as I can.
Also, I think leaving sends the wrong messages to the kids. They found about her affair themselves and we've been as honest as we need to be with them. If I leave, what does that say about me, to them?

You are thinking of your children in all this, she is not. I dont see how you think leaving sends the wrong message? Can you explain?. I think leaving will hurt them. But in the long run send a stronger message, as long as you and your wife manage to co parent. Seeing you two having a more respectful relationship, because she is not respecting you right now. Eventually you will end up resenting her and arguing more, they will be unhappy at home. It's something you need to do.
I do find it so disrespectful her telling you how good she feels and about their sex life.
You are right she is the one who said leave considering shes the one unhappy. But that wont happen. You need to be strong and sell up the house. It will make her realise that she has a choice to make. I'm sorry you're going through this.

If I leave, the kids will stay with her, and it's her (at least until we sell the house) and she is not thinking of the them. She's hardly around these days, so I need to care for them.
They see us having a very normal relationship, even though she's not here that much, when she is we all get along perfectly normally. We never argue!
Selling the house is a huge undertaking and not one I will rush into. If she wants a new life with her new bloke, she can go and get it! Why should I be the one to suffer in a bedsit that I can barely afford, ontop of the mortage etc.

That makes sense. She sounds selfish so wouldnt put it past her to want you to leave and have him staying there. You sound like a great dad. Good luck

You need an exit strategy. I'm no expert on this, but I would start getting recommendations for a good divorce lawyer. Once you've picked a lawyer, you need to talk through what your options are. It might not be pretty.In the worst case you might need to sell the house, but once you know what's possible you can start to make some choices.