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Separation looming

4 replies

hellwithadrunk · 13/05/2019 13:25

1st post so go easy...

The facts...
Been Married 9yrs
Own home together
8yo Son
Wife earns 4 x my salary (huge pension, equity from previous house etc)
Wife is extreme alcoholic with depression

So I cant take anymore, and nor can she....we grew apart 3yrs into our marriage, but have stuck it out for convenience.

After recent heated discussions, calm ones are an issue as she is drunk most of the time, we both want to split up and divorce.

Before seeing a lawyer, I want to know what I am entitled to challenge her for....let me make this clear...I do not want to screw her over! I have sacrificed lots so she is able to perform her high paid job, I do 99% of everything with the boy...swimmimg lessons, school run, cubs, fun stuff at weekends....she just sleeps all day. Its very sad.

She has savings, share schemes, pensions...I have none, I have put all of my salary into the joint account always.

We have a lovely home, go on nice regular holidays and nice possessions (afforded by her salary in the majority)...so this is how she psychologically abuses me...she calls me worthless...I'm scared of going alone. I need some set up money. I need somewhere to live....it's likely we will sell the house.

She wants me to walk away with nothing, as she believes I have contributed nothing. Not true....

Sorry for sounding off....I hate all this and need advice.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 13/05/2019 13:30

Oh wow..she thinks youv contributed nothing. Thats sad she sees it that way.
Dont worry too much as the court will see your contribution.

Assetts are generally 50/50. So house equity and investments.
You can expect a share of her pension

As shes alcoholic are you going to continue primary care for your son?? As then you will also get child maintenance. Depending on how you agree (or court orders if it gets messy) the time split with your child will depend on payment

Surfskatefamily · 13/05/2019 13:32

Take copies of all current bank statements, shares and investment details etc to the current date that you are aware of in case she tries to hide them.

GonzoFlyingProducts · 25/05/2019 22:50

With the greatest respect to my fellow posters...
Any more than you would take as gospel the advice you might get in a pub on a Friday night, don't take too seriously the advice you get here (except from me of course).

SEE A LAWYER PRONTO !

A 50/50 split is the starting point and the courts are very well used to the notion of stay at home Dads married to powerful rich women - it's nothing new and the legal principles apply to everyone equally. You probably have a fairly bright future actually. You should get half or more or less everything and if you can actually prove she is an alcoholic (not easy) you will have automatic residence (used to be called custody) of your son and she will pay you maintenance. You may even be able to fall back on the old "keep me in a manner to which I have become accustomed" but you'll only know whether that's even still a thing once you have seen a lawyer.

Get your hands on as much paper proof of income, investments, shares, pensions as you can because an amical divorce is something you rarely even see on TV. It always gets nasty...

PS - you don't need a billion dollar lawyer - any high street firm will do family work and a divorce is pretty bread and butter stuff no matter how much money is involved (that's just numbers). Your first visit to a solicitor should be free (called a beauty parade in the trade) and you will feel much better having talked it over with someone who is qualified and up to speed with all the latest developments and precedents. Good luck mate.

ModernDivorceLawyer · 29/05/2019 14:04

I see it's been a couple of weeks @hellwithadrunk so hopefully you've got the advice you need, but in case not...

AS ALWAYS, THIS IS ONLY GENERAL INFORMATION ABOUT ENGLISH FAMILY LAW AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED ADVICE ON WHAT YOU SHOULD DO - YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK ADVICE FROM A SPECIALIST FAMILY SOLICITOR WHO CAN GIVE YOU SPECIFIC ADVICE TAILORED TO YOUR INDIVIDUAL CIRCUMSTANCES

When people get divorced (in England/Wales) the court has the power to redistribute your assets, and/or to order ongoing maintenance payments in any way it considers "fair".

Fairness is obviously in the eye of the beholder, but the court usually concerns itself with two key principles:

The first is that any wealth accumulated during the marriage should be shared equally unless there is a good reason not to ("sharing") - typical reasons people argue it should not be shared are that the wealth predates the relationship, was earned after separation or was received as gift or inheritance).

The second is that each person has various financial needs ("needs") that it is right should be covered by the couple's existing assets or future earnings. The most basic needs are to have somewhere appropriate to live and enough income coming in every week/month to survive, but the court can interpret needs far more generously if the money is there to cover it (the highest ever assessment of needs I have seen was £224m!)

Except in very unusual circumstances the court will say that it is more important to meet someones needs than to ringfence an asset because it is non-marital.

The parent that the children spend less time with will normally be expected to pay some child maintenance - unless they are very high earners this will simply follow the formula set out by the Child Maintenance Service. Quite separate from that the higher earner (regardless of who the children live with) might be expected to make regular "spousal" maintenance payments to the other until such time as the receiver is able (or expected) to be financially independent.

If that all sounds rather vague it is, because the law deliberately gives judges a huge amount of discretion in each individual case. That makes it easier to achieve fairness in any given case but difficult for anyone to accurately predict what the likely outcome might be (and is one of several reasons why I disagree with @GonzoFlyingProducts when he/she says that any old high street lawyer can help you - I cannot stress enough the importance of going to a family law specialist).

I have mentioned the court. You don't need to go to court and most people don't. It is just important to have an idea of what the court might order if asked because that is your "best alternative to a negotiated agreement".

There are several processes for actually working out the financial settlement: just the two of you sitting down together at the kitchen table and thrashing it out; using a specialist mediator to guide your discussions; using solicitors to help you negotiate (either through correspondence or structured meetings) or handing over the decision-making to a court or arbitrator. Whichever process you use, it is expected that you will each give each other full and frank information about your finances and failing to do so could allow the settlement to be reopened. Once you have reached agreement I would urge you to ensure that it is drawn up formally and submitted to the court for approval - your solicitor can help with that.

I cannot give you advice here based on the limited information you have provided except to say that it sounds like there is far too much money here for you to worry that you might have to walk away with nothing.

You will find it really helpful to look at the AdviceNow guide at www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced (don't pay £19 for the hardcopy, just click the link to download the PDF for free).

It sounds like there are other issues you will need to discuss with a solicitor, including:

  • the divorce process itself
  • arrangements for the children
  • safeguarding the children

I also disagree with @GonzoFlyingProducts that amicable divorces are unusual. Plenty of people get through things in a (relatively) respectful way and many firms (including my own) are committed to helping people work through these difficult issues in as non-confrontational way as possible. If that is your goal, the worst thing you can do is pick the wrong lawyer - so make sure you pick someone who is a specialist in family work, is used to dealing with your level of assets and who sends a clear message that they try to deal with things constructively. The Find a Member search at www.resolution.org.uk/findamember/ would be a good place to start if you can't get any personal recommendations.

Wishing you all the best.

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