Resenting partner

[Hazza13]

Sorry for the long post, but I don’t know where else to turn. My partner gave birth to our daughter in December by c-section. I took 4 weeks off work to help her recuperate completely and do everything around the house and for our daughter, so my partner only had to worry about breast feeding. I cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed and did every single household chore on top of bathing my partner, dressing her, making her comfortable and dealing with the baby. I returned to work and continued doing everything on top of my 40 hour working week. My partner started to complain that I was never at home and when I was, I wasn’t doing anything with our daughter. I explained that I had to go to work to pay bills etc and I also had so much to do on top of working, that I didn’t have enough hours in the day to do what she expected. I was totally and utterly exhausted. At around 8 weeks my partner complained that I was snoring when I slept, which wasn’t helping her rest at night after the nightly feeds. I then bought an inflatable bed and have been sleeping on it for around 4 hours a night for the last 2 months. I still have to work full time and do everything around the house, but now on hardly any sleep due to being uncomfortable all night. I recently returned from a business trip in Asia and my first night back, decided I was going to sleep in our bed. This lasted 1 hour before my partner kicked me out due to snoring, so not only was I extremely jet lagged, I was back to the air bed. My partner and I haven’t been intimate once since our daughter has been born and I don’t see that changing any time soon, when we don’t share a bed. I tried at valentines with flowers, chocolates etc and spoilt her on Mother’s Day, but I always get rebuffed or moaned at for spending money. I love my daughter and wouldn’t change anything, but I am resenting my partner and feel like leaving, as I’m not living a life of a new dad, it’s an existence. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

I’m not living a life of a new dad, it’s an existence.

What did you think the life of a new dad was going to be like? I wonder if your expectations were entirely realistic.

Well maybe she wants you to leave so is pushing you out of the door. I do know someone who did that because they wanted a baby but not the man. Do you not have a spare room with a bed? If so go out and buy one. She may of course have PND in which case perhaps a word with her health visitor.

How often are you away on business?

I have much older children (15 & 13) with my ex wife and never had the same problems, everything was much more normal when they were babies and toddlers. Always slept in my own bed and all the household jobs were shared. We do have extra rooms but these are used by the older children as well as my partners older son (16), so there are no spare rooms and can’t afford to move to a 5 bed house on a single income. I travel for business on average every 2-3 months, but it’s not an enjoyable, relaxing time as when I’m not working, my partner is moaning and complaining that I’m away and she has to do everything around the house. I feel like if there is no change soon, I will have to leave. I’ve spoken to her on numerous occasions and all she says is that I disturb her and our daughter too much with my snoring, even though our daughter has been waking 3-4 times a night whilst I’ve been downstairs or away as it is. I feel like it’s an excuse to be as separate as possible to me because she doesn’t want to be with me, but also wants me around for all the chores and money coming into the house etc.

So your 2 children from your first marriage live with you plus her son. So four children three teenagers plus baby that's not easy for your wife

Yes the older children live with us, but they are 99% independent due to their ages and have been taught how to do things for themselves. The only person my partner needs to focus on is our daughter

Bloody hell, in her situation I'd be furious too.

With 1 baby DH and I weren't intimate for 3-4 months after the birth - we were exhausted.
She isn't looking after 1 baby, there are 3 teens too. How long were you in Asia for? Who does the cooking while you're away? Cleaning? Food shop? Getting the older ones to school? Reminding them to do homework? and then look after a 4 month old baby who will be up through the night most nights too.

My partner gave birth to our daughter in December by c-section. I took 4 weeks off work to help her recuperate completely

Four weeks is not enough time to recuperate completely from a Caesarean section for most women. Watch a video on YouTube of one being performed. Try and imagine how that actually feels to recover from. Plus, unlike any other major surgery you don’t get to relax and sleep. You get a tiny, angry human who is constantly hungry, cluster feeding to build your breastfeeding supply and stopping you from achieving more than 2-3 hours sleep in a block for weeks or months on end. You are really glossing over your wife’s experience here. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to have sex. I don’t think my husband and I had sex for about 5 months after my C section, and even then it took a few attempts over the next few weeks. It was really painful for me and we were both too knackered.

As for the kicking you out of bed when you were jet lagged after your business trip - how long had she been dealing with your newborn alone while you were away sleeping in a quiet hotel and enjoying relaxing meals and adult company? I’m not saying work isn’t hard, but try and see it from her perspective. She probably had even less sleep than normal while you were away, and then here you are turning up and snoring, making it even more impossible.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Forget about your ex wife. Every woman, every baby, every birth, every recovery period is different. You need to go at your wife’s pace and be supportive. Not just taking on extra chores (which you absolutely should be doing when she is being woken all night) but being emotionally supportive, sensitive to her needs before your own. This is a short time in your lives and she needs you.

Sounds like you and your wife are both having a hard time.. try not to compare to the first relationship although it isn’t easy.. age, circumstances, mental health can all play a role in making it more difficult this time around..

You obviously need to work and that role I’m assuming has always involved travel that she would of known about before the pregnancy so it’s not fair for her to hold that against you, but to make it easier for everyone have you thought about hiring a cleaner, having the older children do more chores.. just to take the pressure of you and your wife?

I was away in Asia for 2 weeks. She ate microwave meals whilst I was away and her mum came and did all the household chores. The older kids organised themselves as they know she has to focus on the baby. And trust me, I wasn’t away enjoying sleeping in nice hotels and meals. I was working 15-16 hour days, moving from one country to another every 3 days. It was far from relaxing. I know how long a c-section takes to recuperate from, I think it’s more the fact my position to her has changed for a partner to a servant. Obviously a new born baby is a lot of work and very tiring, but it’s meant to be a partnership and I don’t feel part of the partnership, just on the outside serving her every whim. And maybe in the future she might be grateful, but presently she is definitely not.

And trust me, I wasn’t away enjoying sleeping in nice hotels and meals

And yet you were sleeping in hotels, all night, and having nice meals.

You expect her to be Grateful to you?!

She’s probably finding it difficult to cope with the newborn and focusing on them rather than you. And really this will take time for her to want to focus on you again. Just because your previous wife did and could doesn’t mean your current wife can.

You’re feeling resentful for the amount of house work etc you do, if you have 3 teenage kids then I suggest you get them to do the basics and you cover the cooking and shopping for food. Let the other standards drop so you feel less resentful.

Working long hours. You’re not saying about when you are able to spend time with her or the newborn? Do you bath the baby or hold baby whilst she has a bath or some time out?

Appreciation. She might be unappreciative as that might be a way you’ve previously been of her efforts? Or maybe she needs to see extra effort rather than house work. Take her and baby to do something nice, like a simple cafe excursion and focus on them. Get to appreciating how hard this is for her, especially when she’s last done this several years ago.

Focusing on your own emotions and how upset you are is natural but not great as you presumedly agreed to have a baby with her. Get past this bit and enjoy the baby. Remember the lack of sleep is a killer for her too, and maybe take the baby for the odd night and get her to sleep somewhere else.

It is meant to be a partnership and I can see why you’re feeling resentful. I had an emergency section 3 weeks ago and haven’t felt amazing. I also have two step children, much younger than your DC so needing much more looking after and my husband was very ill the week after my DD was born.

Yes it’s major surgery, I have a hip to hip scar and a massive internal one, yes I’ve been tired, yes it’s an adjustment having a baby and this is my first so I’m flying blind, and I’m breastfeeding. But I’m not out of action and have been trying to balance rest and recovery with feeding myself, the baby, my DSC, and not letting the house fall apart.

DH is wonderful, does loads, and my DSC are helpful and lovely. But I haven’t had the option of doing nothing and life hasn’t stopped because the baby sleeps, I’ve felt a bit stronger every day and my husband had to go back to work after a couple of weeks as we have to pay the bills and child support. 4 weeks is more than most partners/husbands I know have had off. We didn’t know I’d have an EMCS or would still be recovering at this point but we have to keep a roof over our heads and the kids need feeding and clothing! My mum would have helped but she’s also been very ill and I’ve had to help her with things.

Oh, and my husband also snores some nights! He could sleep elsewhere but it’s OUR bed, not MY bed, and I’d rather have him by my side knowing he’s resting well before he has to drive miles and do a days work.

It does sound like she’s pushing you away and you need to have a state of the union chat before things stay this way and you end up absolutely miserable. Sorry you’re having a tough time.

Well my husband and I are grateful to each other QforCucumber, for each doing our bit. That’s what being in a mutually supportive partnership/marriage means.

This morning before work he blitzed the kitchen as we were both too shattered last night and I get tired from standing too long.

Since then I’ve been cleaning up two lots of poo, three lots of sick, an outfit change due to a nappy breech, about 5 feeds and I’ll sort my DSC clean clothes. On the way home he’ll pick up some food and when he gets in he’ll have time with the baby while I have a hair wash then one of us will make dinner. We’re both tired, we’re not making a competitive of it, we both want time with the baby and breaks in between so we’re trying to find a balance so everyone feels appreciated and looked after. No one’s being a martyr and no one’s taking the piss.

Oh wow. I had sympathy after your first post, but your second has a different tone and is a bit more revealing.

You don’t know how long it takes to recover from a c section. You said in your first post that four weeks allowed her to fully recuperate. It didn’t. I don’t generally go in for buzzwords but this has got to be a good bit of mansplaining. You cannot possibly know what it is like to recover from a c section. You need to attempt some empathy with your wife.

Having had the sort of job that frequently required long hours and foreign trips prior to having my kids, I know that it’s hard. Very hard at times. I also know that it’s not a patch on the relentless grinding exhaustion of early motherhood where you haven't slept for more than 90 mins - 2 hours in a row for 3 months. You may have worked 16 hour days, but you did get to sleep all night, undisturbed in a comfy bed. Your wife hasn't had that luxury now for months.

A partnership doesn't mean everybody doing equal tasks all the time. We all have our own roles. And sometimes one of us will need more support than the other and vice versa. Perhaps your wife resents the fact that she bears the sole burden of feeding and night care for your shared child. Sounds like she is just getting on with it though.

I doubt you'll listen to any opinions that aren't placing you as the hero of the piece, but if you honestly want to improve your home life then you need to empathise with your wife, talk to her and reassess your expectations.

annelovesgilbert I too am grateful to my husband for everything he does for me and he to me. However, expecting a show of gratitude after he's just been away for 2 weeks for work and leaving her with a 3 month old and 3 teens (one of whom is 13 remember - so not adult like more than likely) is a tad unreasonable I'd say.

I’m not living a life of a new dad, it’s an existence what is the life of a new dad?

I’m sorry to read how much stress your relationship is under. It is a huge change of focus having a newborn and just an entirely exhausting bubble you both exist in. I remember it well. My husband slept in a separate bed during the breast feeding stage against the midwifes advice. It was the best move we made. He needed to get a full nights sleep, I saw no point in us both having disturbed nights with night feeds. He gets up at 5am and works hard. My advice is to invest in a single mattress a really comfortable one and commit to sleeping separately during the exhausting time. You will get your wife back. Be patient, I know it’s hard. My husband and I began Friday date nights when our second daughter was 10 months. I swear date night saved our marriage.

Yes the older children live with us, but they are 99% independent due to their ages and have been taught how to do things for themselves. The only person my partner needs to focus on is our daughter

I’d be very surprised if this were the case. They buy all their own food? They cook their own meals independently? They wash up and put away everything they use for their meals? They wash all their own clothes? They never need taking anywhere? They don’t interact with your wife? She doesn’t care about them at all?

And maybe in the future she might be grateful, but presently she is definitely not.

At the moment, she is probably just surviving. Your attitude towards her in your posts is horrible.

I have much older children (15 & 13) with my ex wife and never had the same problems

I know how long a c-section takes to recuperate from

I sincerely hope you haven’t said shit like this to your wife.

Ffs how I wish I'd had a husband who did all that when my son was born. I had to work full time from when he was 6 weeks old. Do all of the baby care and do everything in the house including cooking and finances. I divorced the lazy bugger after a few years. It was less work than having him around. I feel your pain.

There's a lot of meanness on this thread . Of course you're exhausted, that sounds horrible. It does sound like she's not fully pulling her weight (although there might be other issues in play? how's her mental health?), and I think she should be picking up at least some of the slack if it's been 5 months. Could you cut down on chores? Maybe ditch the ironing entirely and have a cleaner in? Cook simpler meals etc, until your wife can pull her weight again. I don't think it's fair of these posters to lay into you for travelling on business. It's your job and money has to come from somewhere.

I agree Almond 5 months is plenty long enough to have recovered from a c section and be up and about doing normal tasks. Something is not right here.

I cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed and did every single household chore I have much older children (15 & 13) my partners older son (16)

Well you have three lazy buggers there. You should not be doing it all, set up a rota. They make the mess they can help clean it up. Your wife is struggling with a new baby, you are working full time and you have three lazy cuckoos in the nest.

You and your wife both have my sympathy. I've been where your wife is now. My DH has been where you are now.

I had an emergency c-section with my eldest. Physically it took me four months to get back to normal with low iron etc. Mentally is another story. I had depression because of how I felt about the surgery. I hated my husband because his life carried on as normal while I was quite literally cut in half because of our baby. Our relationship was pretty shit TBH. I wasn't even breast feeding!!

Personally I'd encourage her to get some help and support for possible PND. Or encourage her to talk to you about how she's feeling about it all. Try not to judge and listen.