Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Original poster

If women are so difficult to live with, WHY do men turn to other women rather than TALK to their wives/partners?

61 replies

TimeForMe · 29/06/2007 16:27

A few of us 'ladies' would welcome a male perspective on this.

Why do men have affairs rather than talk to their partners and sort things out at home.
What makes the Other Woman more appealing than the relationship at home?

Are you brave enough to tell us

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 29/06/2007 23:48

Plasticky orange women with comedy breasts, no.

Proper women with nice breasts, yes.

Actually, even "I'll do it because I can" may be too analytical. There may not even be any thought behind it which is that conscious - nothing which even says "I'm doing something wrong here."

There's the old cliche that men have the ability to separate sex from love, which sounds too easy and like a get-out clause. But it is true that some people can put parts of their lives into different boxes - the bit that's shagging the lover/mistress is a separate life from the bit which is a devoted parent and home-maker. Sounds impossible, but I genuinely think that's the way it is. Like enjoying beer doesn't stop you enjoying wine, or liking films doesn't stop you reading.

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:50

I agree with that last point UQD, some people do have a weird knack for compartmentalising their lives. I think there are women like that too, though, it's not a male characteristic. In fact some people prefer their sex lives that way - less messy.

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 23:52

DW said she used to be able to switch it on or off, like that when she was younger. Couldn't do it now, though.

And yes to real women with real breasts.

UnquietDad · 29/06/2007 23:53

I'd imagine you have to be pretty controlled - and/or emotionless - to be able to compartmentalise like that in a marriage.

UnquietDad · 29/06/2007 23:55

quickly to add: Not implying your DW is emotionless, HD!... I can see how it's easier when free agent. Just mean it must be so much harder to do when they are married and seeing someone on the side as well.

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:56

I certainly couldn't do it, it seems so cold and heartless. I couldn't sit and smile and laugh with dh and support him when he is sad and share all the joy of the children etc, knowing - at whatever level - that I was lying and cheating. And anyway I would fuck up within about a week, I'm useless.

It would be interesting to know how many outwardly respectable people are actually doing this though. I think in some ways the pace/structure of modern life in the West encourages the compartmentalising thing - shuttling between work/home/the gym/the kids, we do wear a lot of different hats and have to get good at making abrupt switches.

Mercy · 29/06/2007 23:57

GS, what are you on about? Plastic orange women?

To answer the OP. First of all are you asking about fathers? Or men who don't have children?

There is a difference.

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:57

sorry, that was nothing to do with the actual thread title

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:58

Oh, hello Mercy. Is my post difficult to understand? Sorry.

UnquietDad · 29/06/2007 23:58

Plastic orange woman

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 23:58

DW had a man hating phase when she was younger. Easy to remove any emotion then.

TheHerdNerd · 30/06/2007 00:00

Ew! Yes, quite

DaddyJ · 30/06/2007 00:02

But don't we all compartmentalise to a certain extent?
We just draw the lines differently.

Is 'sex-only' with other people cheating?
Is snogging other people cheating?
Is going to a lap dancing cheating?
Is (solo use of) pornography cheating?

My answers (yes, yes, no, no) would indicate
that I, too, compartmentalise.

Greensleeves · 30/06/2007 00:02

\link{http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/64/024_AA823~Jordan-Posters.jpg\beat this for a plasticky orange woman)

Greensleeves · 30/06/2007 00:02

I meant beat THIS for a plasticky orange woman

UnquietDad · 30/06/2007 00:03

Greensleeves - eugh, she's airbrushed!

DaddyJ - yes, I suppose the problem comes when your other half's interpretation of the lines of demaraction is not the same as yours...?

Mercy · 30/06/2007 00:04

GS - yes your post was hard to understand which is why I asked . Sorry for being not able to keep up with everytilng.

UnquietDad · 30/06/2007 00:05

I am now hearing "Plastic Orange Women holding hands" to the tune of "Shiny Happy People". I mention this because.... I don't want to suffer alone.

Greensleeves · 30/06/2007 00:06

Well, I hope it's been cleared up for you now then Mercy

Good night.

DaddyJ · 30/06/2007 00:09

Very true!

So cheating is not about the state of the relationship
but a mismatch in moral standards.

UnquietDad · 30/06/2007 00:10

Can it be one or the other, or both, perhaps?

handlemecarefully · 30/06/2007 00:10

Blimey!

UnquietDad · 30/06/2007 00:11

hmc - you are blimeying because?....

there is an intelligent discussion in the Men's Room?

handlemecarefully · 30/06/2007 00:13

No, i was blimeying at Mercy

handlemecarefully · 30/06/2007 00:14

I agree you are having an intelligent discussion - and it is ....surprising